I have been married for 14 months. Two years ago, December 15, 1996, my future wife and I talked about getting married and decided it was what we both wanted. I purchased an engagement ring and was ready to propose. The night before I picked her up she told me she didn't Love me and there were too many things about me she still had questions about. She didin't want to date or even talk to me again. About 3 months later she showed up at my house and told me that she was in love with me wanted to get married. We were married in September , 1997. We have had a pretty up and down first year. <br>After reading some of this sight in regaurds to emotional abuse, I feel I may have been guilty. I would often become frustrated, i,patient, and upset. On probably seven or eight occasions durring the first six months of marraige I told her she was spoiled, selfish, or irresponsible.<p>In August of 1998, I came home from work to find a note that she hade left out of town with her family. This was on a Friday and I did not talk to her until Sunday. IShe called and I apologized for anyway that I mistreated her. I drover the several hours to were they weere and brought her home. <p>The last few months have been much better. At least I thought they were. I went on a fishing trip for four days in mid November, 1998. When I returned she was kissing me and telling me how much she missed me, she said that she had seen how much I was trying and wanted a "fresh Start". I wondered, "what do you think I have been trying to do these last three months." I was a little grumpy with her the next few days.<p>The day before thanksgiving, I came home from work and she was sitting on the couch with a blank look on her face. I asked her what was wrong and if there was anyhting I could do. She would not talk. After a half hour of sittting on the couch she finally told me she didn't want to be married anymore and I should take her to her parents house. (She had stayed at her parents house whild i was on my fishing trip the week before) I sat down with her and her parents and they let me have it. Apparanlty there were a number of unresolved issues that had been bothering my wife. For the entire year of our marraige shee had been going to her parents and telling them the things bothering her. <p>I was (and am) devestated. I have seen a counselor 4 times by my self in the past two weeks. I went to see her after one of my sessions to tell her about some things that had come to my attention. I realized through counseling that I would not validate things that weere important to her. When I did not put value on things that were of importance to her, she internilized this as me not putting value on her. She said that she had been seeing a counsleor on her own and thoughy that the four of us could sit down together and talk. (me, her, and our counselors)<p>Two days later she called and said she had filed for divorce. She said she could not trust me to change. That before we were married, I told her I would be more patient and sensitive to her emotional needs. I still came up short. In august I tiold her I would do all I could to be sensitive. I still came up short. She said that her heart had not been in to the relationship since August. I asked her if things were better sincve August, and her reply was, "that is like saying you were an alcoholic and are now just a little bit of an alcoholic"<p>I told her that I have always wanted to be better but I lacked the ability to see all of the problems until I sat down with a counselor. I want to learn, grow, and better myself as a person.<p>She told me that her parents never wanted her to get married in the first place and they never thought it would work out. (they thought she is too young, age 21)<p>I am going to contiinue to see a counseleor alone every week until I can feel that I can make the needed changes on my own.<p>I do not hold much hope that she will reconsider the divorce. I can not help but feel she is running from a problem and filed for divorce in haste. Am I wrong to see things that way. I have tried to remove myself emotionally fronm the situation so I could gain a better perspective of how she is feeling. She does not seem to be too upset over the situation. Did she never love me?? Just three weeks ago she was crying on the phonme telling me much she loved and missed me, and now she is gone.<p>I can not think of a bad thing to say about her. She is an angel. I just wish she could forgive me and have patience as I try to change.<p>How can she shell up all of her emotions and not even talk to me?? Nothing drastic has happened in our mararige.<p>All she could say was that a lot of little things have bothered her for a long time and after keeping them inside she finally felt like she was going to blow up.<p>Didn't she have a responssiblity to let me know if things are bothering her.<p>Is she exhibiting emotional immaturity.<p>I have talked to anyone that would listen and they all say that nothing has happened that isn't normal ina reltaionship.<p>Did she never Love me?<p>Please help.....

Dear Blake<p>I am sorry to have read what you and your wife have gone through. It seems atleast you have analyzed part of the problem, your inability to recognize her difficulties. My husband and I face the same and many times I too have wanted to walk out. I am sure you too were at a loss to know how to deal with it. No I don't think she was showing immaturity. Everybody shows there anger in different ways. She tended to keep hers in. She probably couldn't understand how you could say you love her and then verbally abuse her. That is unfortunate. Did you all try going to a Christian Counselor. A pastor you could trust. Also I know you are probably emotionally worn out yourself but try praying and asking Jesus to bring healing to this situation. That is if you believe in Him and trust Him. Its hard though. I am not sure if she is ready to come back, but you can try the above. Remember it is so important to recognize friendship in marriage. Would you treat your friend the way you treated your wife? Yes I probably would say she did love you, but you have to continue building on that love and not taking her feelings for granted. What she had to say was important. Are you a whole lot older? Well what ever happens I hope you eventually find peace and reconcilitation.<br>Smitha

Blake,<p>I'm sure she loves you. She's very confused and hurt at this time. Continue seeing a counselor, on your own, and be consistently kind to your wife. Let her see the change, let her know that you truly love her.<p>My soon-to-be ex-husband was emotionally abusive towards me. Unfortunately, he didn't try to change. As a matter of fact, he blamed everything on me. He refused to get counseling. Last week, I finally got him to admit that he has trouble owning up to his mistakes, yet he can quickly, vehemently and constantly point out someone elses. He explained that he thinks of mistakes as personal failures and therefore "he's never wrong". I still love him, but I can't continue suffering through the emotional abuse (neglect, controlling behavior, criticism). In his case, I think he wasn't ready for marriage so he intentionally sabbotaged the relationship.<p>The two of you will be in my prayers. Begin going to church together (if she'll agree), pray often, continue individual counseling, tell her you love her (often), be consistent with your kindness, consider her feelings, truly listen to her concerns, make her your top priority. If she can see and hear the changes you're making, you'll be surprised at the results.<p>It will take at least 2-1/2 months for the divorce to become final. A lot of things can change between now and then.<p>God bless both of you

Blake:<p>She sounds very immature to me. The fact that she runs to her parents at every instance and communicates with them instead of you. Yes, 21 is young. I do not know how old you are. Also, the fact that her parents jumped into you when you showed up does not bode well, either. They need to butt out of their baby's life. You do need to try to communicate with EACH OTHER--that is a two-way street, not one-way. I hope you can do it without outside interference. The suggestion to continue to go to counselling is a good one. I think it is great that you have taken the initiative to go to one on your own. Not many men will do that. I have a lot of respect for you because of that. <br>She does sound spoiled, though, and it sounds as though she doesn't have a clue as to what she wants. I wish you luck, pal.

Your wife does not sound immature she sounds just like mine. it sounds like they both have a failure to commit. By going to consoling and taking the needed steps you are showing your commitment. What is she doing filing for divorce. Does that show commitment. i have faced this for 5 years it does not go away. They are constantly asking for space or time. Her actions before marriage reflects that. so does her going to her parents. She will go to you ever will agree with her. While I believe that you should show her you have changed do not be suprised if you get back together and in six months it happens again. From your letter your are totally to blame. i find this very hard to believe. it takes two to fight has well as to love. Until she and you see that both are wrong you by your treatment of her and she by the emtional abuse of never commiting then the patterns will reappear if you get back together. You can only give so long before your taker comes out. Instead of blame you both need to sit down and put the past behind and work for the present and future in a committed relationship you taking care of her needs and she taking care of yours. I am truly sorry but from my experience the woman will not see her fault and will go from relationship to relationship in search of the perfect love. She will die alone or unhappy because she will never see that the failures come from her as while as you.

Dear Blake:<p>I have been married for 11 1/2 years. I am now facing the same situation that you are, and for pretty much the same reasons! At first, my wife was nothing but spiteful towards me. She would not even talk to me. All she could say is that she wanted a divorce NOW, and that she would not participate in saving our marriage. I had started to change my life about 2 months prior to her shocking me three days after Thanks Giving this year. We have spent Christmas apart. I only got to see my 6, 4, and 3 month old children for an hour and a half on Christmas day! I am making progress every day in how I act and treat all people. She see's the changes I am making but feels that they are just a phase because I have promised so many times before to change. I am far from getting her to see the person I am now. I have realized that telling her about my changes are not working, only pushing her further away. I have seen a little change in the way she looks at me, not as much hatred and anger. Her voice is a lot softer when we talk...that is until she notices that she is being kind, then reverts to being spiteful. Taking it in stride even though it hurts is making ground for me. Don't give up if you trully want to spend you life with her! She is trying to tell you what you are doing wrong and what to change. Prove to her through actions that you are a different man. It will be hard for her to believe that this change is real, and not just to get her back. It will take time and a lot of effort on your part. If you really believe the marriage is worth it, do not give up on yourself and you will not give up on her. I do not think your wife is being immature or anything. She has previously explained to you what you are doing to make her unhappy, and like myself, you ignored her efforts to communicate with you. I wish you and your wife the best of luck. My prayers are with you.<p>[This message has been edited by Lee Brown (edited 12-27-98).]

Have you signed the divorce papers? If not, don't. You two committed to each other. You have no problems that are overly difficult to fix, if both of you give it your honest effort. Marriage is NOT something to jump in and out of. You seem to have a grasp of that; she does not. Well, she can't get out of it so easily. She can't expect you to read her mind; she has to take responsibility for her feelings, and make sure YOU know what is going on..let you know what she needs. And her parents need to be wise enough to make her deal with you, rather than feeding her insecurities/contributing to the problem by allowing her to vent on them rather than deal with you. I believe she is emotionally immature. But she can't just go crying to mommy and daddy. She must face up to her commitments. Both of you must. Yes, see a counselor. But do not divorce. Speaking as someone who has weathered a storm or two in my marriage, I can truthfully tell you that this is totally a workable situation. But she has to grow up. If you have signed the divorce papers, let her know that you are going to tell the judge when you go to court that you have changed your mind..that this is your wife and you intend on keeping her. You both made a commitment. Yes, it might be hard. So? You will both be better for it. From what you have said there is nothing severe going on in the relationship. So what is the reason for the divorce? Incompatability? No. Failure to communicate, failure to cleave to the spouse and keep the parents out of the marriage, failure to take commitment seriously. It appears that neither of you are meeting each other's emotional needs .. or at least you aren't meeting hers .. BUT she needs to deal with it like an adult. And that does not mean running to mommie or court. It might not have been wise to marry when you did, but you are married, now. Deal with it. Fix it. Grow from it. And realize that though it may not be easy, it is always worth it. Sorry for going on and on.. just felt particularly compelled to get my thoughts out on this one...

Thank You for your words of wisdom. I have been through a great deal of pain this past month. I have to face the facts that the marriage is over... I did all i could do. Will the hurt ever end? I have not even talked to my wife. When I call her house her parents will not allow me to talk to her.

http://marriage.miningco.com/msubsuc.htm<br>maybe this will help<p>10. DON'T TRIANGULATE. <p>It’s frightening to admit, but a couple in conflict instinctively behaves like<br>two nations preparing for war. In each case, the warring parties create<br>alliances in order to strengthen their respective hands. Where they<br>differ is that a couple in a conflictual relationship sometimes develop<br>those alliances unconsciously.<p>In a relationship, the partner that feels the most discomfort eventually<br>withdraws from the other and finds a third person who functions as a<br>supportive ally. In the lingo of marital psychology this is called<br>triangulation. For example, a wife who is feeling lonely and cut off from<br>her husband might increase her involvement with one or more of the<br>children as a way of decreasing her unhappiness. A child who is especially<br>sensitive to the suffering of one of the parents, might decide to become<br>that parent’s "caregiver". A kid in that role almost always feels torn<br>apart and on some level resentful about having to parent the parent. <p>Sometimes an acting out teenager will unconsciously stabilize the<br>relationship between the parents. It is as if the kid has a super radar<br>that picks up on his or her parents’ marital distress and responds by<br>drawing each of them away from their conflict toward his drug abuse or<br>her pregnancy or his suspension or her school failure. There is no end to<br>the creative ways children can act out in order to divert their parents<br>from dealing with the uncomfortable truth about their marriage. <p> The third person in this triangle is not always one<br> of the children. It can be a parent, a sibling, a<br> friend or a lover. The function of this person is to<br> reduce the strain between the couple. For<br> example, a man who believes that his wife has<br> lost interest in him could conceivably reduce the<br> tension he feels by having an affair. Until his wife<br> finds out, the level of conflict between them will<br> most likely subside. He also might shift his loyalty<br> to his mother who then becomes his confidant and<br> advisor often to the detriment of the marriage.<p> As long as there are triangles, it's impossible for<br> a couple to deal directly with whatever is the<br>source of their problem. It is an obstacle to intimacy and real marital<br>love. However, it’s hard both for the partner and the third person to<br>withdraw from their involvement with one another. In the situation of the<br>affair, the lover might not want to end the relationship and the man may<br>be unwilling to give up the easy intimacy of the new relationship for the<br>difficult challenge of making his marriage work. <p>If the third person is a child, he or she might begin to act out as a way of<br>re-engaging the parent. It often takes professional help from a qualified<br>marital or family therapist to help a couple to disengage from a triangle<br>so that it's not destructive for one or more of the people who are<br>involved. <p>The cure for triangulation is trust and intimacy. The question is how does<br>a couple whose relationship is marked by conflict, rejection and mistrust<br>turn it around? If there’s no trust how do you develop a trusting<br>relationship? I am going to propose the following steps to help you move<br>in that direction:<p>EXERCISE<p>1. One of you has to be honest about the marriage. In other<br>words, be straight with yourself about what’s missing. Write down<br>what you would like to change in your relationship. For example, if<br>you hardly spend any time with one another, you might write, "I<br>would like to spend one evening a week alone with you".<br>2. Write a letter to your partner and tell him or her what’s<br>bothering you about the relationship. Avoid blaming and write about<br>how you would like to improve the marriage.<br>3. In a few days, approach your partner and try to talk about<br>what you’ve written. If the response is positive, then begin the<br>work on improving your relationship. You may need professional help<br>to succeed. If your partner is willing, look for a competent marital<br>therapist. Not all mental health professionals are experienced in<br>marital therapy so be sure that whomever you find is a qualified<br>marital therapist. <p>Please be in touch with us. We’d like to know what’s happening with<br>your relationships. E-Mail us at tenthings@wholefamily.com<p>Listen to our real audio drama "The Unemployed Son". <p>Visit our Library and Bookstore where you will find articles and books on<br>Marriage.<p> To evaluate your marriage, visit our Evaluation Center<p><br>

Blake, <p>I feel your pain. I've been married for 3 years together for over 6. And she has left me for the same reasons. She also told her parents before she even told me. She was 19 when we met and 22 when we married. She has kept repeating that she has grown and that she was only 19 when we met. Before we got married I used to ask her if she was ready. I told her what my only desire was. Trust. But now I;m in the same shoes as you. I hope the best for you and that one day you two can resolve your emotion fusion. And find your Self Differentiations ( your selves). You do have one thing goin' for you though, She is seeing a counselor. Use that to work together. I hope that my wife will see my trherapist with me and that see too will want to "work things out". Whether or not we were meant to be with eachother. All I ask is that I need to see it for myself? Will be happy in 30 years? I too need to know, It must be a mutual desision for me to accept. Good Luck Blake, We have a long road ahead.

Blake,<p>I don't know if you still visit this site, but I got reading your story and was compelled to write. <p>It sounds to me like your wife needs to put more trust in you. The way she runs to her parents is not a good sign. Obviously, she has not learned how to deal with conflict effectively with you. Conflict is something that should be worked out between two people. If others become involved, then negotiations become very difficult. The two of you should be a team - working together to resolve issues. This is not what she is doing.<p>Do you feel you're trying your best now? Do you feel you really love her and that you can be more sensitive to her?<p>Women are more sensitive than men. Most women, anyway. I for one take little things my bf does to mean more than they probably should. But we have a trust issue we are working on as well. Women are more sensitive, and need to feel really loved and connected with their partner at all times. Little things like listening to her, holding her hand, hugging her, telling her you love her, how beautiful she is, how special you thing she is, how lucky you feel, etc. will do magic to the relationship. If a woman feels special and loved, she will be able to let nasty comments slide once in awhile, and grumpy moods to be taken more lightly.<p>You need to work on making her feel really supported, connected and loved for her to feel okay about telling you her feelings. <p>I don't know if you'll be able to work things out - only time will tell. In the mean time, as she said, she doesn't believe that you have changed. <p>It's up to her to decide to give you another chance. How can you prove you've changed? Tell her you've been seeing a counsellor. Tell her how much you love her. Whatever you do, do NOT blame her for anything. Don't say, "you're being immature". Tell her you feel responsible, and that you feel that you have changed, and if only she would give you another chance to prove it. But don't pressure her - and don't suggest it unless you think she may want to hear it. She won't take your suggestion very well if she feels pressured.<p>Show her unconditional love, and tell her that if you were to get back together, you would really want to work on the ways in which you resolve conflict.<p>Apologize for hurting her, and tell her you UNDERSTAND why she was hurting. Tell her you will validate her feelings because you love her, and you can't believe you hurt her like that.<p>And perhaps you and she can look into purchasing those Mars / Venus books. They are very very helpful.<p>Good luck! My thoughts are with you.<br>

Thank you for your advice. She called at the first of Jan and wanted to try counseling. We went one time. She would not go again. We are divorced. She has moved on to a new relationship. How could she do it so easily? I am still in pain. I can not even imagine being with another person. Am I normal? How ccan she feel no pain? Move on so easily? Living together, being physically intimate one day and gone the next. Does she not miss the connection we had? Was it all a lie?

edited<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]