Help? I need some good concrete examples of how "not" to patronize my wife and yet still feel like I am worthwhile in my own right. She has said that after 20 years of marriage she is fed up with me. My first hint there was ever anything wrong. Now when I try to be supportive and "listening to her emotions" she says I' m just dong it because I "have to" and that I am not genuine. This has been going on for 5 years now. She is waiting for our high school senior to graduate then we are history. I know I can't change her but I've been trying to get a life myself. She says I don't know how and that I am "too religious" for real life. I have always worked 2nd shift and she 1st shift over the past 5 years. (Our sex life has been zero since 1978 because she says it was always a bore to her so I should just forget it) She is a veritable work aholic. What more can I do? I'm going crazy!<br>

Thank you for replying to my post, I really do appreciate your support.<p>I don't have all the right answers myself, but maybe this can bring a little bit of insight to help you figure something out. From my own personal experience, women can be funny creatures and sometimes we don't want to be taken literally. For example, I had gotten angry with my husband and declared that I will never make another dinner for him again since he was rude and didn't offer any help to clean up. Since I can't possibly refrain from cooking (I love to cook and he loves my cooking), I had hoped that he would at the very least admit that his actions were wrong and that it wouldn't happen again. Morever, I had hoped for him to plead and beg for me to continue cooking dinners since it's a rarity since we work crazy hours. But he doesn't even ask and I find it infuriating he just expects me to do something since he knows that I won't deprive myself of the enjoyment. By being persistent and asking, it shows that you really mean business and you care enough to make the effort. Believe it or not, motivational factors can reinforce beliefs. <p>Another thing to consider is to simply ask your wife what she wants. She's been dissatsified for so long that no matter what efforts you may try to put forward will be deemed as superficial or insufficient. It won't be easy since we're talking 20 years of marriage and communication is a key tool to strengthen your marriage. Like me, she probably buried herself in her work because it's the place that she feels wanted and needed. You have allow communication to flow and try to reason and to rhyme with her again, just like the two of you did before marriage. The lack of effort in trying may signify that you don't care anymore and that after marriage, the chase during courtship is dead in the water. Because Romeo and Juliet couldn't be together through warring families, they valued every moment they had together. As it goes in work, routine gets boring and people leave their jobs for something better.<p>I hope this helps a little bit. I don't have any real concrete examples except not to blow up and yes her to death if you truly don't mean it. Ask her to clarify the things you don't understand and that threats have deepened your pain. You're neglected as well and desperate to save your marriage. It's tough and be strong.<p>Take care - Linda

Linda,<br> Thanks, I really appreciate your common sense reply. just hearing it from another sure makes me think """Maybe I can do it""" Again good luck to you and your husband on communicating what you both really need. bye<p>Steven50