Can anyone please explain to me, how my wife, can say to me, the reason she can't and won't try to "reconcile this marriage", is because she knows "in her heart her feelings aren't there!" Is it possible for her to KNOW this?<p>I've read "Love Busters" "H/H Needs" and now reading "Give and Take"......the answers are all there..........!<p>She refuses counseling and she refuse to explore ANY solution to "our" problems. She wants to Divorce me...........yet due to our current situation, (its complicated) she doesn't want anyone to know.....and she wants to continue to live with me for possibly another 3 years!<p>I posted the topic "Effects from a Rape".....she refuses to "TRY!" Three months ago...she said "I was her everything!" Our problems are definitely "solveable!"<p>Anyone with any "insight?"

You must be very frustrated; because your post has so little specific information, it's hard to make any comment beyond some basic generallizations.<br>It's very odd that you say she doesn't want anyone to know about a "divorce" and she wants to continue living with you. This sounds on the surface like she has some significant dependency issues, along with basic avoidance of intimacy issues. She may feel swamped by trying to deal with the "demands" of a relationship, but obviously there's some element of support that it sound like she wants to cling to.<br>Harley's books are very good- has she read any of them too? If she refuses to read them and refuses counseling, your best alternative may be a form of "tough love"- don't be willing to support her and keep up appearances unless she's willing to work on resolving her issues. Whether she is with you or someone elese in the future, she will have to face these issues if they are not to cripple her for the rest of her life. In that sense, a combination of support and pressure from you may be successful in motivating her.<br>One other thing; friends of mine who are now in counselling confirm the addage of "s**t from my mouth, gold from theirs"; the same information from you, versus from a good counsellor may get a very different reception. If you have trouble locating a good counsellor locally, try the phone service the Harley's offer. Even if your wife won't participate, do it yourself FOR yourself- I believe it will be worth it. Good luck.

Thanks Jonmark for the words of wisdom...I have reached my limmit as far as my "woe is me approach"..........I think now I am strong enough to get tough......and restore some self dignity<p>Thanks again!~

Although I don't know too many details of your relationship, I can only highlight one thing from your post. If someone wanted out in a marriage and doesn't want to work it out nor want anyone to know, then it tells me that she's embarrassed to admit that the relationship isn't working. Did you guys 'jump the gun' or something? For quite some time, I couldn't tell my friends that I had problems with my marriage because not only did not truly understand or have that level of maturity, but because I felt ashamed to express serious problems so early in my marriage. I didn't want to hear people tell me the norms of life and expressions which indicate, "I told you so."<p>Is it because HER feelings aren't there? And I definitely agree with Jonmark, she's clinging on to you for some reason. How can you be able to live with her for the next three years, knowing that there isn't anything real between. Why have two strangers under one roof and behave superficially and cordially? It's not fair to you and there's only so much you can tolerate before you'll go nuts.<p>I hope things will work out for you and good luck in finding your path.<p>[This message has been edited by LSM (edited 12-16-98).]