I found this site yesterday and was amazed at how similar my situation is to all the others. My husband of 7 years has made a decision that he is unhapy in the realtioship and heas dedided to move out. We have two kids together ages 5 1/2 & 7 and I don't think leaving is the answer. We created to beautiful children and we owe it to them to at least show them how important is is to work through things and not give up hope. Apperently , I am the only one who has hope for this. He says he loves me, but is not in love with me, he just feels empty and unhappy and sees the only solution as to leave.<br>I have offered to him many times to see a marriage counsellor but he refuses, stating that he does'nt think it will work. But I try and explain to him that fine, even if it doesn't help, you can't be any worse off then you are now. He still is adamant<-sp? about "Not wanting to!) He says he just won't because he doesn't want to anymore.<br>I need some advice on how to handle thissituation. If it were just me , then I would let him go, but there are children involved that I am trying to sheild from some potential Major Trauma!!!HHHHEEEELLLPPP!!!

Dear Mere:<p>Make sure you read ALL of the basic concepts presented by Dr. HArley. Also, you can look at the tons & tons of letters under "Other Topics"..they may be really helpful.<p>I'm sorry for your situation...believe me, i know exactly how you are feeling. This forum has bee tremendously helpful to me. Please hang in there and be patient. Keep posting so we know how you're doing!

Disillusioned - how's it going? did you have a meeting with the counselor yet? is your H home?<p>Janet

Dear Janet:<p>No, unfortunately, my H is still not home, and he appears to be ready to run as fast as he can to get ther h*ll out of this marriage. Sometimes he makes me feel like it's been pure torture for him to have "suffered" all of these years. Boohoo for him. (as you can see, i'm still angry and my hope is quickly diminishing and i'm trying very hard to say "F*** this marriage, i'm going to focus on MYSELF", but i truly love him and naturally want things to work out for us).<p>Anyhow, we DID have our first appointment with the counselor. I think he was really pleased that there was no "hocus-pocus" stuff and no mushy stuff. However, when the counselor asked "what brings you here today?" , his response was My Wife (which made me think he's totally not invested, except to make sure i'm coping ok). Then, when the C asked about our goal in coming to counseling, my H said he wanted closure. CLOSURE! i really wanted to slap him, but i refrained (slapping would be a BIG love buster, i'm sure)!! Anyhow, i have continued to ride the emotional rollercoaster, thinking everything from "it's great he's coming" to "this is a bunch of crap, we're just dragging out the inevitable."<p>I have been wondering how you are doing, Janet? My thoughts have been with you. You are certainly a strong, intelligent, and wonderful person. I hope you are doing ok. Make sure you do things to take care of yourself! Thanks for checking on me!

hey there disillusioned - sorry things haven't made more sense for you.<p>This week has been very hard for me, but I may have gotten some clarity and may be moving on... though, just like the relationship, that has its ups and downs.<p>disillusioned - if you are interested in some private e-mailing, email me at brewbubbles@yahoo.com. We can give each other support through the hard times - and yes - crying on my shoulder is 100% permitted.<p>janet

Dear Mere,<br>First I am sorry for your pain. Alot of us has been there and are still there. There is only two choices that you can make. Get a divorce or implement Plan A<br>Plan A states that you must do everything for you husband by meeting all of his emtional needs. and at the same time you must refrain from hurling love busters at him. I suggest you read all this website and "give and take" . Do not ask him for anything. Do not pressure him. Do not talk about anything he doesn't what to talk about. The Dr. says that counsuling is helpful but it does not need to be to save a marriage. if one person wants to save amarriage then it can be saved but here is the catch. The work and self sacrifice reguired is huge. You will get discourged, you will fail in plan A many times but perseverance will win out. Have faith in the Lord in directing you to this forum. i have found the insights and support from all of the people a great comfort in my attempt at plan A. Some good news it seems to be working. My wife said yesterday she is about 87% sure of us. Which two months ago it was at 0%. So read, be patient, work at your faults not his, be the wife he wants and he will come around to be the husband you want. Good luck!!!!

Disillusioned, Janet, others here - Your postings have helped feel better than I have in a month! It lets me know I am not the only one! On the other hand, it makes my heart ache to know so many otheres are experiencing such pain. I really feel for what you all are going through and appreciate you sharing your thoughts to help others. <p> Your situations sound alot like mine. My H is in school 2 hours away- before this crisis we made the decision together. I have supported us both while he has tried to find his career path over the last 5 yrs, married 7. We talked on the phone every other day, and he came home every two weeks except from October 20- till Thanksgiving. <p>Before Christmas I asked him to be more communicative about his feelings and WHAM - he said he didn't think he wanted to be married any more, wants to be free, hasn't been "in love" with me for a long time, etc. <p> He came home over break, and we went to counseling, he agrees to try to figure out what is going on with him,and not pursue a friendship outside our marriage. He cannot say what is bad about being married to me - says I am the most supportive,understanding, loving person he has ever known. We even connected emoitionally, sexually during the month he was home, however, he still does not have any answers.<p>He is not having an affair, but has a single guy friend whose lifestyle I think he envys, and says since he is attracted to other women he feels he should not be married. I think he is curious about what he is missing, but I don't understand why our marriage is so easy for him to give up other than the fact that the distance has caused him to distance himself emotionally? <p>His mother died last year and he was in severe depression, is now medicated and going<br>to counseling at school (yet had not addressed this issue at all until after he laid it on me). He was just as recently as October talking about our future together and how great it will be when he finishes school, he was also telling me he loved me (his initiation). I am uncertain how to proceed - I don't want to push, yet don't want to be walked on.<p>I am a secure fairly confident woman, and know what I want in my life- I don't need him to be happy-I have been a basically happy person even through his depression. I do want our marriage to work, I always felt that when he got his career together, everything else<br>would fall into place as so many men tie up their personal identity and their self esteem in their careers. We had a lot of fun together, did not argue alot, worked on<br>communicating better. I am confused because this seems sudden and he answers to why that satisfy me. Thanks for listening! <br>I hope things work out for all of you and if anyone knows of situations like this that turn out ok - I'd love to hear them.<br> <br> bethz

Hey Disillusioned {and others}<br> This is the first time for me to write in. I know i don't have any business at this site because i am divorced. <br>My wife of 7 yrs. and i divorced 2 yrs ago. when we got married we were young and expecting a baby. Although times were tough, i was in love and looking forward to our futue.<br> We both complete college while raising our son. This left little time for us to spend together. We slowly grew apart- each of us were doing our own things. <br> When i realized we were in serious trouble i metioned that we should get help. This was not an option to her. A few months later I filed for divorce {which was the biggest mistake of my life}. <br> I handled it well until about a year ago. Then I started to get lonely and depressed. I realize now how much i love her. I have no desire to date but she plans to. The day I see her with another man will be the worst day of my life.<br> Our son is 9 yrs. old and seems to have handled it well. The divorce was uncontested and peaceful. However i am concerned how he will handle another man in his life. I don't want step parents and step/half siblings in his life.<br> Trust me. Divorce is much harder than than you think. You can see it coming ten miles away and not fully prepare for it. <br> Although I am the one who filed, She actually "left" about 2 yrs before the divorce. She had time for everybody but me. Neither of us have any bad habits and we always got along with each others family. Some how she just fell out of love with me. <br> I feel like such a failure. She says it was nothing that i done to cause it, and she doesn't know what she wants in life. She is happy being free of commitment.<br> One thing is for sure. I am never going to recover. I live in constant fear of her finding someone new. I get very little satisfaction out of life.<br> I just tought some of you may like to hear from someone who has gone through it. Hang in there and keep trying. THANKS.<br> <br>

Hello Pete - <p>Well I have been learning the hard way what pain Divorce brings... it has been a terrible time for me too. H filed 2 weeks ago, no hope for him coming back.<p>Pete - one thing I decided for myself in this whole situation, wa sthat I could not let it destroy me. There are 2 ways to go... continue blaming yourself for things that you did or did not do, or accept that none of us are perfect, that we behaved or reacted based on the conditions and our knowledge at the time, and jsut swallow that pill. Yes, a very bitter one indeed.<p>Every day I still ask myself WHY??? why did things have to turn out the way they did? But I have learnt many things thru all of this - only you can make yourself happy, and frankly, you should not seek control of the happiness of your spouse. Yes - it's nice to think we make them happy - but in fact they make themselves happy by accepting to stay with us.<p>You are not a failure - it takes two people to enter into a marriage, and two people to make it work.<p>Pete- I think you should seriously consider finding a divorce support group. You would benefit from finding out that the feelings you have are not different form others who have gone through this terible mess, and that you are allowed to feel the pain even 2 years down the line. YES - YOU are allowed to be HAPPY!!! <p>Janet

Hey Janet,<br> Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it. I'm sorry about your situation. I know it isn't easy.<br> I guess I'm a little old fasion to be 29 years old but it really agrivates me to here about all of these divorces. I know that there are legitament reasons for some of them. But we are living in a time where if something gets old or rusty-- get rid of it and get a new one. This is happening with everything-- even marriage. <br> I'm still Havent given up on my former wife. <br> Hang in there Janet,<br> Pete<br><p>[This message has been edited by pete (edited 02-05-99).]