My husband and I have been married almost 2 years, and before we were married we dated for 2 years. The whole time we have been together I have been the "Taker" in the marriage, and I have done numerous things to hurt both my husband as a person and our marriage. The most recent incident occurred a couple of days ago when I (I am 4 months pregnaunt) told my husband that I was full and that I did not feel like eating anymore of the special dinner he had prepared. To top it off it was his birthday and I had promised him a birthday dinner. For the past four years I have provided very little, if any, action to show my concern and love for him. I have provided much lip service, so much that he is embittered and resents me. He doesn't believe anything I say, and he tells me how much he regrets our marriage. The only regret I have is not having been more giving and honest. I desire to do this now, but it seems too late. He doesn't believe that I am sincere when I tell I will change. Change? How do I do that? I have tried to be different and less selfish. Can you me some solid advice on how to change a negative habit? I have done everything I know and yet I am still hurting my husband.<p>

Disheartened, the best thing that you and your husband could do right now is see a marriage counselor who believes in the concepts and techniques used on this website, or at least something similar. Read all you can here, and maybe buy some of the recommended books and read. If your H will not go for counseling, you go by yourself - by changing yourself you can change your marriage.<p>A counselor who will see you both can help you both practice techniques and exercises to aid you in keeping your promise to change.<p>I do have one question ... you say: "told my <br>husband that I was full and that I did not feel like eating anymore of the special dinner he had prepared." What is wrong with this? Were you cold, rude, did you scream this at him? If you truly were full, there is nothing wrong with saying so. Probably what was bothering your husband was that he had prepared a special dinner when you had promised to do it for him as part of a birthday celebration.<p>I wish you luck!<p>terri

I live in a small town in North Carolina. Do you have a list of counselor's around our area that we could talk with. The closetest city to us is Fayetteville, NC.

Hi! It;s me again. Last night my husband and I tried to talk about the arguement we had over our Monday night dinner. The conversation exploded into another huge arguement. My husband believes that I should have just eaten the meal without comment in order to show my appreciation for his hardwork. I cannot get him to see how he is domineering and overbearing, and that he is putting the entire responsibility on me. Anyway the arguement has escalated and in his eyes I am selfish and only out to ease my feelings. In his mind I am out to "get" him. <br>I know that I was inconsiderate and selfishly thinking of my stomach. I admit my wrong doing and apologize. But for him this is not the end. It has been two days now and he is still ranting and raving. I am leaving in another couple of days to visit my family, and I really don't want to leave with us fighting. <p>This morning I sorta stuck my foot in my mouth, I told my husband that I really regretted hurting him, because he always made sure I paid for it. (It's normall for him to be angry for up to a week or more) That set him off again. Now he believes that I am not sorry for hurting him only sorry for him being angry.<p>My question is: What can I do now to resolve this conflict? How can I SHOW him that I am sincerely sorry and that I DO care? Please help! I am so drained and I want the madness to end.

Disheartned:<p>For you to show that your husband that you can change; you're going to have to do it for an extended time. Read all the material on this site and see if it makes sense to you. A good book to start with would be 'Give and Take'; you can order it here as well.<p>As far as counseling goes, you can call MarriageBuilders and either ask for a counseling referral for your area, or make an appointment to do counseling with Steve Harley over the phone.<p>I would suggest that you print out a couple of "Love Busters Questionnaires" from this site and see if your husband will fill them out with you. If he will, you should share them with each other. The 'rules' for sharing this information is to have each person take a turn: the recipient is to quietly take it in. No defensive words. No combative statements. This is the way your spouse feels: you need this information to change your behavior to protect your spouse. You can ask questions to clarify a point, but nothing further.<p>If it degenerates to a shouting match, you need to (respectfully) put it down and try to return later.<p>Read about the policy of Joint Agreement and how to make negotiations safe and pleasant. That information will apply to sharing the questionnaire as well as lot of other daily activities.

DISHEARTENED - <p>One thing I find remarkable about your commentary and self description is that you actually recognize a bad habit of yours (and wish it weren’t so). I think it’s more than cliché when it is said that this is 50% of the problem. (although your other descriptions suggest the problems don’t completely rest with you...but I digress.) <p>Has this been a recent revelation to yourself? If not, when did you start to feel bad about it and wish for change? <p>Here’s my disclaimer, however: I ain’t married. But I was very very close (within a month). And the reason I am responding to your post is that your description could have come from my now ex-fiancée (although I’m doubtful she would be so honest with herself). My saga of woe is chronicled here in the “Other Topics” board. To a large degree I became resentful and less than trusting (because I needed to protect my feelings). In fact, that was our undoing; I decided that if she was so oblivious to my needs and feelings now, then what happens when she really starts taking me for granted? <p>Having said all that, I can tell you what it would take to convince me (for what it's worth.) First, words are great and being demonstrative with one’s feelings goes a long way, but actions often speak louder. And beware of inconsistencies between the two. For example, don’t promise him something and then forget. He’s probably hyper-sensitive to this now. Write it down if you feel you must. Try to figure out what’s important to him and make it a point not to blow it. Constantly ask yourself “How would I want/expect to be treated under these circumstances if I were in his shoes?” Shades of the “Golden Rule.”<p>Second, it gets a lot easier if you derive pleasure from pleasing him. Get a kick out of making his day. The rewards are plenty. Once I figured out this trick, the complaints I used to get vanished. <p>Finally, if it’s a long time in the making, don’t expect changes over night. In the final weeks before I broke my engagement, my fiancée (is that the right spelling?) started to admit that she was “probably a little insensitive at times.” And maybe she could have changed. But by then it was too late - I could not take the chance. Expect him to remain skeptical (fool me once, shame on you/fool me twice shame on me) Don’t get defensive when he displays such skepticism. Try to acknowledge it and ask what YOU can do to help. Remember, this may be very difficult especially at first.<p>Again, this is what would have worked for me. I hope it helps – even in a small way. Good luck. <p><br>