Can anyone help me understand what is going on with my husband? My story is mentioned earlier in another post so I won't deliberate. However, the basics are I filed for Divorce in July, regretted it very shortly afterwards, as it was done out of anger. My husband left and went away to another country for three months to do a course. He didn't manage to do it as he said he was a 'basket case'the whole time. He said the only reason he came back to the USA was to deal with the divorce. (He is now living five miles away with his brother and his family). However, he could have just let his attorney do that. During the period he was away, I was really deteriorating and went away for 6 weeks. I gained so much perspective and came back wanting to set things straight any way I could. I have always been madly in love with him and still am and don't even believe in divorce, which is even more confusing as to why I filed. I was very angry and distressed at the time. He began to get into a strange state due to career, family, tension and lack of communication with us. <p>Moving on, since we have both been back I have turned up at his work and convinced him to meet me. We met he told me he wanted nothing to do with me. He said he still had tremendous feelings for me but he didn't want to have anything to do with me. I could see how strongly he felt for me in his eyes. I since then have managed to speak with him a number of times and things were looking as though there might be a chance. I wrote him a couple of letters, one detailed, positive, loving one that he seemed to respond fairly well too. We had a very long conversation on the phone about a week ago in which he got mad and told me how angry and bitter he was about my filing and he just couldn't get past it. I was pleased only because I felt that he was moving out of withdrawal and into conflict again. I asked to meet him and he refused. I then called and left a message to say I would be leaving for a few days and he got on the phone first thing the next morning to say that he would agree to meet me upon my return. I was on cloud nine! However, on my return I phoned to tell him I was back and didn't hear from him again. The day I left I mailed a Motion to Dismiss the complaint for divorce, signed and left a part where he could also sign. I had mentioned doing this to him some weeks earlier and that I had gone to find out about doing this. He seemed miffed at the time that I only inquired and didn't go through with it. He said that I was covering my bases. After reading my lengthy letter, the main one I had written, he said "I'm not convinced" which gave me the impression that if I could convince him, we would have a chance. He began to speak to me on the phone for a little longer then(1 1/2 hours longest in almost 6 months, one visit of 2 hours). I can request a hearing in January, 6 months after filing to proceed with the divorce. If I don't he can in February and I am afraid that he is avoiding seeing me so that the time accumulates. I guess if that is the case, I can't force him to be married to me. <p>However, upon my return and after leaving three messages for him he finally called me this morning at 7:30am saying that he would meet up with me the weekend after New Years, so on New Years Day or so to discuss things! I quickly realised that he had no intention of seeing me over the holidays. Shock! First time without him in eight years! I asked him about meeting him on Christmas Day and that I had a gift for him. He said that he didn't want to meet me, didn't want me calling him and that he wouldn't accept my gift. He has now disconnected his answering machine. I just don't understand as I fully believe he has very strong feelings for me. He also said that he had decided to go ahead with things, ie, splitting up for good and the thing that swung him back was my sending him this paperwork with his name on it and a space for him to sign. I was assuming and presuming!! But I wasn't at all. I filled it out the way the court told me and I wanted it dismissed and thought that this was something that would contribute to convincing him as to how serious I was about him. But it backfired, which is now totally confusing me. I cannot accept that he says that he cares about me and has very strong feelings for me, but it's not going to work. I can't accept that if he cares, how could he be so cruel over the holiday season. He knows I am here by myself and came here on his request two years ago. He knows that I will be in the house alone while he is five miles down the road from him. He is a very unique character, very intense, deep, analytical, super intelligent in an academic manner, wonderful too, but not consistent at the moment and extremely stubborn, immature too now I feel although when I met him he was so mature. I am devasted at this latest turn, losing hope by the minute and am in a terrible state. <p>Can any man or woman ( but I'd be interested in hearing regarding the male ego!) shed any light on his way of thinking. I feel really desperate and am in terrible pain. I know I hurt him terribly by filing for divorce but things hadn't been going well for a while and he admits that he had withdrawn about three months earlier. I have apologised so much for it. He has said he can understand why and forgives me but his actions say otherwise. I love him with all my heart and am staying in the area where we have a house together purely to see if I can work things out. He is living with his brother and no-one in his family seems to be rooting for me at all. I am a good person and very good living, strong personality and a go-getter. His family drink a lot and so we don't exactly gel in that way. He has mentioned that he knows how determined I am and that I always get what I set out to get. He has said I'm not going to succeed with him!!! (Like it is some sort of game - Power struggle!!) Sounds so childish and that his ego is so involved! He also told me quite some time ago that he wanted a more traditional wife, whatever he meant by that, but I gather someone that didn't work as much as I do!! I have quit the job I was doing at the time as a move to show him how serious I was. I have let him know my true feelings. He is cutting me off, albeit for 10 days or so, but at this time of the year it's unbearable. My Mother (who loved him and noticed a great difference in him during a visit in the summer, after his own mother had visited) and sisters think I need to move on that I have put up with much too much, that he suffers from depression and is messed up. My best friend here thinks that he is playing games and is punishing me and wants me to feel the pain that I caused him!! I don't know if that is the case or if he just doesn't give a damn. He claims that he is trying to be as straight with me as possible. He doesn't want to string me along and wants me to leave and get on with my life. He doesn't want me to stay around for Christmas but to go to my family. So on that note he is telling me to go home to a different country and yet be back on New Year's Day to meet him, lack of consistency! He only wants me to go home for Christmas because it would apease his guilt. <p>What can I do to penetrate this anger? What can you do to convince someone that you really do love them and your intentions are sincere? I don't want to get a divorce. I know that he is avoiding seeing me because it stirs up all sorts of feelings that he doesn't want to have to address. The only time we met up he said that it caused him to have a terrible few days afterwards because of his feelings for me. He said he can't take the risk. He is prone to depression and feels that I will only get tired of him again. I didn't get tired of him before, he just started treating me without the normal respect after his Mother visited and she attacked me whilst in a drunken stupor. I did nothing to provoke this, but he had an argument with her and she took it out on me. God, I could go on and on about the incidents. <p>My brain questions why I put up with all the rubbish. I know it is because I love him so much. My Mother is concerned that if we get back together I may be mapping out a very difficult life for myself. I come from an extremely normal background and he is from a totally disfunctional one, dumped in a boarding school at the age of 7 in a different country from his parents!! I wonder if subsciously he feels that no one will ever stick around and so he has been pushing me away. He has said that the reason the he doesn't want to get back together with me is not so much me as that he needs to be alone to get himself sorted out. He can't look after himself don't mind after two people at the moment. Yet I have always been the one doing the looking after everything, as I have had to!!! He did ask me to come here and not work and he would look after everything but I couln't not work after a few weeks. He has behaved in a manner that leads me to believe that he is afraid of commitment and responsibility. (he's 33, I'm 36!) He told me today that I would be better off on my own as I could do whatever I wanted and could go whereever I want and wouldn't have to answer to anyone! So, he thinks he knows what is best for me! He's making decisions for me too!<p>Can anyone please help me to get through this holiday season, alone. I feel I am going into the depths of depression and am very distressed.<p>Fionn <p>[This message has been edited by Fionn (edited 12-22-98).]<p>[This message has been edited by Fionn (edited 12-22-98).]

Dear Fionn - <p>Just letting you know that we are listening out here. The holidys are very hard - we have to keep our chins up and think about the good things we have in life right now...<p>I am sorry - I can not give you any advice about your situation - except maybe just to take a big breath, a walk outside, and remember that other people in your life need and love you... it is what is getting me through this season without the one I love the most.<p>Big big e-hugs....<p>Janet

Janet:<p>You brought a smile to my face and warmed my heart, I just fought back a tear! Thank you so much for letting me know that you are there, I really appreciate it. <p>I am an inherently happy person and where I live 3-6 inches of snow fell during the night. I received a call from a friend to tell me to look out the window and I was like a little kid. I just love experiencing my first White Christmas!!! Maybe God will answer my prayers too and my husband will contact me. I feel nothing but good will, happiness, hope and love towards all, espeically towards my husband.<p>I truly hope that you manage to cope and have a good holiday and I thank you for your kind words.<p>Lots of hugs to you too and may 1999 bring all that you wish for and may all your dreams come true!!! :-)<p>Fionn

Hi. <br>I thought I could give you a male prepective. It sounds to me from your desription that you have made his worst fear happen. He sounds like he is positively deathly afraid of abandonment. You knew this perhaps sub conseincely but that is why you filed for divorce because your taker wanted to hurt him. Possibly you couldn't get to him any other way but this has opened up his childhood fears so know you are dealing with his child not the man. You must think of him as a child through this. for he is a child mentally right know running and hiding from his pain and fear. children are illogical and immature. You need to reassure him as a mother would not as a women. In all your letter you did not metion once if he found you sexullay exciting. I think this is the most important clue. He does not see you has his wife right know but as another women that he deeply cared about who left him. First his mother know you. Give him time and reasurrance but let him also know that you will not be around for ever. Put the ball in his court. Only by giving him responsiblity for his actions can you bring back the man and put the child back to sleep.

Hi Rustynail67 and Janet!<p>Well, I must update you! Rusty, many thanks for your words which I found to be very insightful!!<p>It is now Sunday night and on Christmas Eve, I was trying my best to hold it together and was helped with the excitement and distraction of my first white Christmas, believe it or not (the kid in me!). The next morning, I went to church with my best girl friend and felt strong emotionally which surprised me as it is such a family day, particularly in church! I got up late and didn't have a chance to take a shower. When I went back home, had a shower and decided to relax lying on the bed for a while. I got so comfy that I got into bed, got a little upset about my husband and fell asleep. I was awoken by a hard knock on the front window and it was HE. I couldn't believe it!!!! I had prayed so hard and was stunned! He even had a present for me and hugged me and a light kiss!!! He knew he couldn't leave me alone for Christmas and the fact that I made a decision to stay in case he came over, said alot to him!! I was ecstatic!! He stayed an hour and left as he had other commitments! I went on out to my friend for the evening.<p>The next evening, I got a call from him asking if I wanted to go out for dinner later that evening!! I was shocked! I of course accepted and to say it in a nutshell, he left this evening, more than 24 hours later!! Miracles will never cease. I am so thrilled. I had hurt him so much he was trying to protect himself. I sent him a dozen white roses on Christmas Eve, which he loves. However, after the call on Monday, he realised that thatwasn't at all like him and that he was getting no where on his own. He admitted to himself that he felt empty without me. We talked so much and yes he does find me sexually exciting. That part of our relationship has been wonderful when it was a part of our relationship!!!! He is not the type of guy who will go to bed no matter what the state of the relationship. He has to feel emotionally secure :-)<p>So, he has gone away now to decide about moving back home, when! We have agreed that THERE WILL BE NO DIVORCE!!! I am so grateful to God who has answered my prayers and that I am one of the lucky one's who has been given a second chance. We talked alot and both know that it is not going to be a breeze, but there is something strong and wonderful between us, and it has won out!!<p>Thank you so much for your time and I hope I do not have much need for this forum in the future but will continue to visit it. <p>I wish everyone out there the best and hope that you all too will get that second chance and that you will know how rare and precious it is!<p>Fionn

Congratulations to you and your husband! I'm so glad to read good news here!!<p>Please remember all you've learned here and remember to visit us and let us know how things are going from time to time!<p>terri

Thank you Terri:<p>I have my fingers crossed and pray that it will all work out. I am determined and believe it will.<p>I will keep coming to this forum. You are always very good for writing posts to help others and you will be rewarded for your kindness. What goes around comes around, right!<p>Take care and your good wishes are very much appreciated!<p>God bless<p>Fionn

Fionn - congrats on the great news - now starts the real work.<p>I am so happy - hang in there both thru the next hard times!<p>Janet

Hi Janet:<p>Thank you so much for your well wishes. You are right though now the real work does start!<p>We spent New Year's Eve together and he went back to his place two days later. It was a really good time. We are not getting divorced and have decided to 'date' as it were. I have to make sure that I am patient moreso than ever as I really want him to move back home. He wants to also but is very apprehensive and afraid. He is going away for a week the last week in January and the initial plan was and still is that he will be back home before then. It's nothing in the face of the last six months that I have had to endure, but I feel like I want to run and need to temper myself to continue to walk slowly. I still have a fear that he may change his mind and so want him back asap.<p>I keep praying and am optimistic. The peculiar side to it that finally after months without sleep I suddenly seem to want to sleep all the time. I guess a phyiological reaction to the diminished amount of stress that I now feel.<p>Keep your fingers crossed for us and keep us in your prayers.<p>Fionn