When is enough enough? I'm tired of pretending everything is OK; tired of having to repress my feelings, my thoughts, dreams, everything. I'm tired of dealing with a selfish husband. I'm tired of always having to have my guard up. I'm tired of being angry about this whole screwed up marriage and I'm tired of being tired.<br>I've tried several times to get my husband to talk - I've tried to tell him there are issues we have to talk about - I've even told him I want a divorce a couple of times. He will not talk. It seems he prefers to stick his head in the sand and ignor reality. I have gotten so emotionally withdrawn from him that I find myself more relaxed when he's not around. I am thankful that I don't rely on him for self esteem or I'd be SOL. He thinks of me as manipulative and controlling, things like that. On one occassion when he called me controlling, I said to him that he's the only one that sees me that way - when others look at me they see a rose, when he looks at me, he sees the thorns. His first wife had a passive personality and that went well with his controlling nature. I'm not overly-agressive but my personality is not so passive. I don't accept things as fact because "he says so". I must have reasons, and yes, explanations. I need to know whats going on. He sees this as me being 'controlling'. When he doesn't talk to me then I wind up thinking he's hiding something (he was very unfaithful about 9 or 10 years ago - he never did say he was sorry, I don't think he ever felt like he really did anything wrong)- He doesn't share his thoughts, feelings, etc. with me and I've stopped asking. I'm tired of being called controlling. <br>I know I'm rambling. Sorry.<br>If it weren't for our 8 yr old, I would have left this marriage long ago. The truth is, if it weren't our daughter, we wouldn't be married at all now. We were married, divorced and then remarried. <br>Now I dream about taking our daughter and leaving. I don't care, he can have the house, the furniture, whatever. He doesn't even have to pay support just stay out of our lives but I know thats not realistic and that won't (and shouldn't) happen.<br>I'm just tired of it all. We don't talk. We do nothing together. Most nights I sleep on the couch. We don't even argue. If it weren't for my daughter, I wouldn't want to come home from work.<br>I've only discussed this with my best friend. She says stop thinking about divorce. She says just go on with my life. <br>We can't afford counseling - rates in this area are about $80 - $100 an hour and we have ALOT of issues. Our health insurance doesn't cover it. Sometimes I think its too late anyhow but I feel so emotionally dead about him much of the time but then I wonder, what does it mean if the whole situation still makes me cry?<br>Well thanks for letting me vent (as fragmented as it is) and I truly hope everyone has a Happy Holiday.

dear wendy,<br>I read your post and felt the need to reply. please read about the three states of marriage conflict. Both of you are defentily in the state of withdrawal. But the good news is thatyour marriage can be better. It will take alot of effort on your part if you want to be happy. It sounds like you are not meeting any of his needs nor him yours. Do you know what his needs are. <br>Find out then meet them. Throw out an olive branch bring him back. He may not want to arguge anymore but to save your marriage and to be happy you must bring him back read Dr. harley's views on conflict. One definite thing I can add is that when he says you are controlling what he really is saying is that you do not admire him enough to believe in his words or actions. No man I know likes it when his wife constantly second guesses his decisions and actions. When you admire your man you show that you think highly enough of him to have faith in his actions. True he needs to take your feelings into consideration also but if you want your marriage to work you need to stop the judgemental hurtful words coming from you. It may be that your husband's greatest emtional need is to be admired and thought highly of. Do you think you can meet this need even if at first he gives you nothing back. If you can't then no amount of consuling is going to help. You need to make sacrifices first to get your marriage to a piont where consuling will help. Please take the time and really read this website. I think alot of your answers on within its words. Praying for you and your family.

Hi Wendy,<br>After reading your post I felt the need to reply. My husband and I have been together for 14 yrs. (married 12) We have an 8 yr. old daughter also. She is the light of our lives! Lately, the only light! We both have worked hard at our careers. I pursued my masters while working two jobs and pregnant! He has earned his second BA and now is starting on his masters also. Alot of times in the past he felt like he was "taking the back seat" with me. I guess I did take him for granted and didn't realize what a wonderful thing I may be losing. I teach full time, his work is demanding and we're falling apart!He wants to pursue his law degree and I am not exactly 100% supportive, mainly because of our rocky situation. He is highly offended with me regarding this matter and feels that H&W should be 100% supportive no matter what! I want to spend time with him and he asks"why now?...It's too late". He says he doesn't have a switch that he can turn on and off whenever he feels like it. I try to give him that space , also give him attention...he acknowleges this but can't move on and work on the present and future state of our marriage. He said he is tired of fighting. We have been to couseling and have brought out many issues(ie. he had a vasectomy last oct. and even though we discussed it prior I feel very saddened at the realization of it all.)He is 34 and admits he may be going through that mid life "thing". He got into motorcyles last year...has been doing the "bike week",and other trips. I worry about him on the road but when I show my worry he sees it as "nagging". If I page him or call he thinks I'm checking up on him. I have called the police and did a missing persons report once when he said he couldn't sleep(12:30) and was going out for a ride in the car. Sorry...I worried when it was nearly 5 o(the police were here when he arrived)! I have called hospitals looking for him stormy nights! He has changed from a caring individual to a somewhat selfish one. He talks about my self esteem alot(his is real high and mine is real low)I have everything going for me except my marriage. I have a hard time picking myself up when he tends to just push me back down!??? To meet him, people will think he is sweet, considerate and also very funny! He is that and more, I just need to figure out where I stand in this picture. We have so many memories yet there is so much pain that I am in a contant state of confusion.<br>Sheila

Sheila, I don't want to raise troublesome thoughts, but you may have already considered this one. When my H started behaving the way yours is, he was having an affair - one which he is still involved in (he has moved out of our apartment).<p>The best advice I can think to give you is to see if he will talk to you about things that bother him about your relationship. He is "escaping" from something - much as my H was - and if yours is not in an affair, he is ripe for one with this independence thing he has going on. Read about love busters - the first thing you need to do is eliminate them. See if your H will fill out the "Love Busters" Questionnaire and if so, make sure you are willing to discuss the results non-judgementally with one another. There is also a questionnaire on "Emotional Needs" that you can fill out and discuss.<p>I hope that this helps ... and I hope your H is not having an affair. If you can work with the concepts on this site, even if he will not make changes, you will find that changes will come about as a result.<p>terri

Hi Terri,<br>Thanx for responding to my delemma. However, the plot thickens! This morning I was sneeking around and checked old voice massages at H work and found that on xmas eve there was a quick massage from "sweetie"! Well, I can't explain my rage right now...Shock, disbelief you name it! When confronted he was confused...hmmm...has denied everything and claims that someone must have left it on his voice mail by mistake. He says its easy to just skip over the message and just press a number. Any how now I am very suspicious of the past, present and the future! We are talking a bit rational and have agreed to a 3 month trial of living under same roof as friendly as possible and after that if things have not improved then it's separation time We agreed to do some self counseling and will write down daily feelings in a journal and discuss at end of each week.<p>Things look very bleak for me right now!<p>Help!!!<br>Sheila

Hi Terri,<br>Thanx for responding to my delemma. However, the plot thickens! This morning I was sneeking around and checked old voice massages at H work and found that on xmas eve there was a quick massage from "sweetie"! Well, I can't explain my rage right now...Shock, disbelief you name it! When confronted he was confused...hmmm...has denied everything and claims that someone must have left it on his voice mail by mistake. He says its easy to just skip over the message and just press a number. Any how now I am very suspicious of the past, present and the future! We are talking a bit rational and have agreed to a 3 month trial of living under same roof as friendly as possible and after that if things have not improved then it's separation time We agreed to do some self counseling and will write down daily feelings in a journal and discuss at end of each week.<p>Things look very bleak for me right now!<p>Help!!!<br>Sheila

Hi Terri,<br>Thanx for responding to my delemma. However, the plot thickens! This morning I was sneeking around and checked old voice massages at H work and found that on xmas eve there was a quick massage from "sweetie"! Well, I can't explain my rage right now...Shock, disbelief you name it! When confronted he was confused...hmmm...has denied everything and claims that someone must have left it on his voice mail by mistake. He says its easy to just skip over the message and just press a number. Any how now I am very suspicious of the past, present and the future! We are talking a bit rational and have agreed to a 3 month trial of living under same roof as friendly as possible and after that if things have not improved then it's separation time We agreed to do some self counseling and will write down daily feelings in a journal and discuss at end of each week.<p>Things look very bleak for me right now!<p>Help!!!<br>Sheila

Hi Terri,<br>Thanx for responding to my delemma. However, the plot thickens! This morning I was sneeking around and checked old voice massages at H work and found that on xmas eve there was a quick massage from "sweetie"! Well, I can't explain my rage right now...Shock, disbelief you name it! When confronted he was confused...hmmm...has denied everything and claims that someone must have left it on his voice mail by mistake. He says its easy to just skip over the message and just press a number. Any how now I am very suspicious of the past, present and the future! We are talking a bit rational and have agreed to a 3 month trial of living under same roof as friendly as possible and after that if things have not improved then it's separation time We agreed to do some self counseling and will write down daily feelings in a journal and discuss at end of each week.<p>Things look very bleak for me right now!<p>Help!!!<br>Sheila

Sheila, I am sorry to hear that evidence seems to be pointing to an affair on your H's part. Let me just say that mine denied and denied and denied until his - um - OS (stands for "other SLUG") decided it was time for me to know and after attempting to physically assault me, left an explicit message on my home answering machine to tell me about their relationship. And he still tried to deny it!<p>I am following the concepts of this site - I have purchased "Surviving an Affair" and "Give and Take" and "His Needs, Her Needs" and many other books in an attempt to figure it all out. I have been diagnosed with depression and am currently taking an anti-depressant (which is like a miracle, I swear!). It is tough ... especially now that my H has moved out. He got an apartment and refuses to consider working on our marriage right now. I say right now, because I believe that he will come around.<p>Read everything that you can on this site - even stuff that doesn't seem to apply to your situation - you'd be surprised how much you can glean from other people's problems and the solutions to them. Get some books. I am working on a list of relationship oriented books to put on my website and hope to have them up by tonight or tomorrow night. It will even link you right to Amazon.com to order if you want ...<p>Post over on the infidelity forum - there are a lot of us who post there regularly and you may be able to get some insight from others - certainly you will be able to get some comfort. I notice that you are angry, which is different from my reaction. I was/am devastated. Probably because I know how much damage I did to my own marriage over the last 3-4 years and know that I am at least half responsible for the breakdown in our marriage. Not an excuse for an affair, though!<p>I would caution you to seek help from a professional counselor - one who is versed in techniques designed to save marriages, as opposed to saving individuals. Self-counseling is fine if you're undergoing a little bit of communication difficulty, but I think something as complex as infidelity needs more help. You, however, will have to decide and discuss that with your spouse if you choose.<p>I wish you luck and love ... Please keep posting here and let us know how you're doing!<p>terri