I would like any thoughts on this. I find that I often find my mind wondering and coming up with irrational thoughts. (at least I hope the are irrational) I am wondering why types of things the betrayers have done to help the betrayed rebuild the trust that was lost from the affair. And to help stop the irrational thoughts from always poping up.

I would like to know too?! I'm glad I'm not the only one with irrational thoughts!! After being betrayed though, should we be rational?! I guess in time we should but I hope this is a natural stage to be in considering what just happened to us. Hope we get some good insight! Anyone??? Someone??

Shoni --<P>I'm guessing that you will never fully regain the trust that you used to have. You'll always have those occasional "irrational" thoughts.<P>I'm definitely not one to talk, knowing my past history of dishonesty in my marriage. But I think it's important for the betrayer to always be honest about everything. Whenever questions are asked, there should be no hemming and hawing. Answer with conviction and without hesitation. <P>Also, keep nothing hidden. No secret passwords, no secret email accounts. No secret cell phone numbers or pager numbers.<P>I think trust can only be regained through actions, and it takes a LONG time, maybe even years! And even then, maybe it won't be there 100%. But maybe that's a good thing. Healthy paranoia? <P>--andy

Hi Shoni,<P>This is a hard one, considering that they would just about have to move a mountain to get us to trust them again. I know that my H's behavior has helped though.<P>He doesn't go anywhere without our son or me. He's always done this, but it's so important. He's never been one for hanging out with the guys. <P>He comes straight home from work. He'll call me on the cell phone and talk to me the whole way home. We talk a million times throughout the day too. That's just something we have basically always done. We're the kind of couple who can talk for hours on end. He doesn't use the computer, so no need to worry about secret email accounts. I have complete access to his cell phone, detailed billing, his beeper, his voice mail, etc. If someone hides any one of these things, then they have something more serious to hide. It makes me so mad when the betrayer doesn't divulge this stuff. <P>Another important thing in my situation, is the ability for him to tell me when something is wrong. That's what led to the affair in the first place, his fear of conflict. Since he is finally speaking up, and sticking up to me, I know that things are basically out in the open, and we can prevent this from happening again. It takes a lot of courage for him to speak up to me, so I know that he is willing to work on our marriage, instead of fleeing. <P>Also, the willingness to answer all questions from his affair helps me trust him more. This man is the king of conflict avoiders (he has low self esteem), and when he tells me something that he knows will anger me, it also shows his commitment to this marriage. <P>That's about it for us. Since he is always with me when he's not working, it would be hard for him to do too much behind my back. Not that a betrayer can't find a way somehow, but it helps knowing where he is 24/7. <P> <P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller<BR>

Airheart,<P>He doesn't have things like secret passwords, secret cell phones, etc. My irrational thoughts come from things like: Today he was sick and stayed home from work. So here I sit all morning and wonder WHO is at my house with him. He hasn't given me any reason to think that there will be someone there but I still think that. <P>I think I have a big insecurity in his love for ONLY me. Therefore the trust issue pops up. I think that if he loved ONLY me, he wouldn't have done the things he did in the past. So I must not have been very important to him, why should I think that I am now? How can he show me that?<P>I know I will never have the blind trust I once did. I wish I never would have had it! But I don't want to question his every move either.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

Distrusting, (posted at the same time)<P>Thanks. My problem with knowing where he is all the time, is that I always knew where he was when he was seeing OW. Granted he was out with buddies who covered for him, but I KNEW where he was. So I am so paroniod of him going out with friends, because I wonder who else would cover for him. (even though he doesn't hang out with the same people) He even TOLD ME he had spent the night at OW's house, I just thought it was his friend's girlfriend who had stayed with him! (I was out of town)<P>He was great about answering my questions, except for one lie, which I caught him in. I asked who knew and he told me "Friend A". Later he said something about "We" went over there to watch movies. I asked who "We" was and he told me "Friend B". He said he didn't want me to be mad at his friends for what he did. No, they didn't force him to do it, but I THOUGHT they were my friends too.<P>Sorry, I guess I start venting and go on and on. But that's my problem. He didn't do anything suspicious then. Same as now. So how do I know?<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

Labeling your thoughts as irrational is half the battle. Realizing that he has given you no reason (currently) to mistrust him helps you to diffuse your thoughts and not act on them.<P>I have my occational irrational thoughts, too, but trust hasn't been hard for me. Not sure why.<P>If you look at your last post, you may be misinterpreting your H's feelings and motives. You are making assumptions based soley on your own beliefs which may or may not be correct.<P>You yourself said your H has is alot different now then when he betrayed you years ago. His age, maturity level and probibly his peer group were contributing factors to being grossly stupid.<P>But remember he came clean. That's a sure sign he changed his own belief and value system. And it is that belief and value system that will keep him on track. Not that he can't be stupid again, but you both have learned much and hopefully will develop and tend to your relationship.<P>Commitment is a combination of constraint and dedication. When one of those two factors are weak or non existant, that's the danger zone.<P>Got to go back to work...later.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

In a hurry, but here are a few of my thoughts and things BOTH my H and I have done to rebuild our trust in our relationship.<P>1. Let your spouse know your whereabouts at all times.<P>2. Get rid of or share any "private" email addresses, voice mail codes, etc. with your spouse, giving them free reign to check if they feel the need.<P>3. If they do check up on you, be completely understanding that this is NORMAL and to be expected.<P>4. NO MORE LIES! None whatsoever! Not even so called "little white lies" or lies by omission.<P>5. If the OP contacts you, alert your spouse immediately.<P>6. If you need to contact the OP for ANY reason (don't know why you'd have to, but in case it is for work, etc), allow your spouse to sit in on the conversation.<P>7. Share your feelings openly with your spouse. Do not Hold ANYTHING inside. <P>8. Answer any and all questions your spouse may have about the affair as honestly and tactfully as possible. Understand that their "need to know" is normal and necessary for many people.<P>9. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to stick up for or defend the OP in any way shape or form. Not only does this damage trust, but it's a huge lovebuster as well.<P>10. Accept responsibility for all of your actions and NEVER try to place blame on your spouse.<P>That's all I can think of right now. I'll try to come up with some more later.<P> <P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Shoni,<P>So really, it's more of an insecurity issue than a trust issue, it sounds like. This is something you have to work on yourself. But maybe it would help you if your husband reminded you every once in a while that you ARE his only one. Does he know you feel so insecure about his love? Again, I think that only his continued behavior of honesty will allow you to not feel so insecure. I'm not overly familiar with your story, but my gut feeling is to say give it more time...<P>--andy (recently unmasked airheart)

It's been a long and hard year, since I found out about my H's affair, although he has never admitted it. Even though I knew it was over (he got "nice" again) I still didn't feel that I could trust him. I would take his keys out of his pocket through the night, and rifle through his truck, looking for anything that I could find. Never did! Every night I would make note of the mileage, and then spend the next day figuring out how many miles to the store, etc. and then check the mileage again the next night when he slept. Needless to say, I didn't get much shuteye! When he went to the cottage overnight, I would go later on in the day, and "surprise" him, hoping to catch him at something, anything. Never did. Every day, without fail, I would call the cell company, and get an update on the minutes used on his phone. (He never knew this.) I did spot checks, when we were out. Looking in the glove box, his garbage can, etc. He never said a word. I would ask him to check for messages on his cell phone, while we were out. There never were any messages, and through all of this, he would not say a word. Gradually I lessened in my snooping. Now, when he goes to the cottage, he goes through a routine of how he will not be shaving the night before, as he is only cutting wood, and why bother shaving for that? He comes home with the same scruffy beard that he left with, as well as the same scruffy clothes. Translation? He is now the way he used to be, BA (before affair.) He has shown a lot of patience, and has gone out of his way to prove to me that he can be trusted. Do I trust him completely? NEVER!! Probably never will. That was my major mistake in the first place. In less than a week, he will be gone for 2 weeks. It is a trip that he has taken by himself for the last 10 years, with the exception of last year. (His Dad was in the hospital at the time.) His cousin is a commercial fisherman, and once a year, my H has the chance to go on the boat with him, and catch crab and shrimp. He takes a freezer, powered by a generator (sic?) and loads it to bursting with seafood, which we both love. He talked with his cousin last weekend, and made a point to let me talk to him as well, to wish him a safe trip, etc. I know that it was to confirm that he really was going there, and not elsewhere. This trip will do both of good. A chance for us to realize just how much we both mean to each other. Last November, he was gone 5 days hunting. He had told me he would be home in the afternoon, but he showed up at 10:00 in the morning, with 2 of his hunting buddies. He said that he had missed me so much, he couldn't wait until the afternoon to get back. If his return from this trip is anything like last November, I had better catch up on my rest, 'cause I'm going to be in for one night of loving!!! BTW, when we are out driving, or out for dinner, he takes my left hand in both of his, and kisses my wedding ring. No words are exchanged, but as they say, actions speak louder than words. That is something he has never done, up until this past year. Gives me the fuzzies just thinking about it.<P>------------------<P><p>[This message has been edited by why me (edited August 27, 1999).]