i hope everyone had a good holiday but mine were absolutly horrible. I have read post and articles and some have been very helpful and make alot of sense, especially in the stage I'm at right now and what i have done up to now. the problem is my husband loves to hunt and fish. there are things i love to do and i wouldnt want him to stop me but i don't do it to the point of obsession or to the point of killing my marraige. When it's hunting season I never see my husband because all he does is hunt and the same for fishing season. of course that's where he is right now and of course when he gets home he needs to take his looong nap. and as usual i am home alone. have been the whole holiday season as well as the whole year. He doesnt want to be bothered with anyone who doesnt talk about hunting or fishing. and if he is not doing it he talks about it. His family is the same way (His mother has been left alone all her life too) when i say something he say's i'm just being a b*^(*tch. i have tried talking, crying, yelling theatening all the things that is claimed we do in the conflict stage. i have learned from reading that is that i was trying to threaten or else...of course it doesnt work. He claims he thinks our marraige is fine, nothing wrong with it. I guess it would be if everything is going his wayand i guess i just want to hear myself yip or want to be miserable. well over the past month i have been going or at least been trying to go into emotional shutdown because the only thing left to do is leave.if i feel numb it won't be so bad. As usual we had the usual argument and of course the same outcome, then he tries talking to me later as if nothing is wrong. how i feel isnt important, what i want to do is always "no" i don't want to, and forget us socializing with couple friends, it's downright embarassing to go to get-togethers by myself. Part of me wants to leave now to try to get some kind of response out of him. the other part is trying to be sensible and wait till i set myself up with some savings and a plan, plus be able to be emotionally stable as possible when i do make the move. I'm not sure i really want to work anything out because most likely it would go right back to the same ole, same ole, The problem I need help with this, even though i get nothing out of our marraige, I need to get emotionally stronger to get on with my life and leave this marraid but lonely existance way, way behind. Is there any advise on helping me make the final decition with strenth. i hope you know what i am asking or what i mean by this.<br>thanks any help or advise is greatly appreciated<br>elizabeth

Elizabeth, have you read any of the books recommended here? I have a couple of suggestions for books that might help you make some progress without emotionally shutting down or leaving your marriage. You can change your relationship by yourself.<p>The two books are "Divorce Busters" by Michele Weiner-Davis and "The Marriage Mender" by Thomas A. Whiteman, phD and Thomas G. Bartlett, phD. These authors outline different types of marital problems, observe the typical reactions/behaviors that spouses have to trying to solve them, and offer alternatives to those reactions or behaviors.<p>I feel for you in your situation and hope that you get the opportunity to try some of the suggestions these books offer.<p>terri

Elizabeth,<br>Are there any kids involved. You are lonlely well then start going WITH your husband on his outings. Learn to hunt to fish. Do not ask him for anything. After you become his friend again. Start doing other things together. Go to a movie, dinner. Invite some friends of yours on a fishing trip. Plan a weekend get awy to a fishing site. Go camping. Isn't it better then sitting home alone? You may even enjoy it. Show your husband the policy of joint agreement. Explain to him that you would be agreeable to his hunting and fishing if 1) you can go with him. 2) he did some things you wanted to doalso. Good luck<p><p><p><p><br><p>[This message has been edited by rustynail67 (edited 01-03-99).]

no kids are involved, thank god. as far as going with him, i have tried that. I just don't like to hunt. fishing is ok but not everyday. my sister in law had the same problem until she gave up everything she liked and learned to like hunting and fishing. Now that's all they do. I hope I don't sound stubborn but I just don't enjoy it. It must sound like we are real country people but we are not. we are from the suburbs. the country people call him city boy. the only time he fits in with them is when he is in camao. anyway he's gone again today, he got a deer. now he has to do whatever it is he does and re-live how he got it. oh yea, i guess the season may be over for him but either he has got to make sure his hunting buddies get a deer or talk about it. I guess the damage is done. too many years of this, maybe I am at the wrong board. I guess the only thing left for me to do is continue with my plan and live for the day when i finally meet all the goals and can do things rationally. I think I might have been asking for a miracle, I'm trying not to do anything in haste and not make any moves i would later regret. It sure is hard, when I see him I just get so angry, I wish I could afford counseling but can't. anyway, thanks for your suggestions. I appreciate it.<br>

I HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE POINT OF GOING WITH HIM. I WENT THROUGH THIS ALSO. I DID ALL THE YELLING CRYING AND ALL THAT BUT THEN THIS YEAR I DECIDED TO GO THROUGH A HUNTERS ED COURS. I REALLY LEARNED ALOT AND I ALSO LEARNED STUFF THAT EVEN MY H DIDNT KNOW. WHEN I WAS STUDYING FOR THE TEST I QUIZZED HIM ON SOME OF IT. NOW THANKS TO BEING STUBBORN AND JUST DOING IT, I AM A BETTER SHOT THEN MY H AND EVEN HIS FAMILY. REMEMBER SOMETIMES WE CAN DO AND BE ANYTHING, WE JUST HAVE TO PUT OUR MINDS TO IT.

My husband took up fishing during his previous marriage, he claims his ex forced him to stay at the beach 3 of 4 weekends during the summer to be with her mother. So he bought a boat and took up fishing with her dad so he didn't have to be around his ex and her mom. They split up and the boat sat in his driveway for 2 years until we got married. He sold the boat, since it was not useful and we weren't going to be hauling it the beach 3.5 hours away. Now he complains to me constantly about how I made him sell the boat and won't let him go fishing. (He canceled both trips we had planned for the beach over the summer) <br>I told him if he wanted to choose a life of fishing, he could move to the beach and start over. But my life is not going to revolve around running off to the beach all the time with him where I would have nothing to do unless I were to fish too. I have suggested he take up freshwater fishing since he could do that within 30 minutes of home and have a family life too. But no, its too boring.<br>He says he wants to be with me and see his daughter (from ex) but he whines alot.<p>If your husband sees hunting as the most important thing in his life, then it probably is. Let him have at it. Since he won't quit you will have to develop your interests and friends while still married to him or not. I was single until I was 35, its got its advantages, especially if you've got friends and activities. Try developing them first and see where it goes.

AMEs,<br>Your husband is not whinning he is telling you that he is not happy. The question you have to ask yourself is it worth your husband's happiness to be his recreational companion or is your selfishness worth more than your marriage. Would it kill you to go to the beach to fish twice a year. Is it that great of a sacrifice for you to make. I am sure from your post that he allows you to see your friends and persue your interests. Hopefully you two can see that it is so much better to be each others companions and do things together then seperate. The more time you are seperate the more time there is to fall out of love. hoping for the best