So what is happening, what is wrong? In a nutshell, my hubby has a difficult time when it comes to finding work, and we aren't getting enough money. It isn't for lack of education, lack of skills, or lack of brains. He has a fair amount of all that. The problem is (at least he says this is what it is) that he's afraid to look, has a hard time looking, and doesn't want to be rejected. He said to me that looking for work is as difficult for him as looking down from heights is for many other people. <p>I don't know what to do. I'm at my wit's end.<br>I just finished a job (I work on contract) and am looking for a new one myself. I can only work so many hours in a day, and only earn so much. Now that I'm not working, and he isn't - things are difficult. We're late paying this month's rent, and there's not even enough money to see us through the end of this month. I have no health insurance and have medical problems, so I have to see a doctor this week before symptoms worsen. <br>When I am working, I earn a fairly reasonable rate, but when I am not -- because of our very high debts (including student loans) and overhead, the remaining money disappears fast.<p>I worked really hard to get enough money together to move us to this city 2 months ago. He was still in school but he transferred and enrolled in nightschool so he could find a full-time job here during the day. It isn't happening, though. He spends more time on this bloody computer surfing the net than looking up jobs and emailing resumes. Every minute he sits here looking at news, games, etc. is another minute I feel he should be working on finding work. <p>Part of why this is happening is probably because his well-off family has sent him money every month he's been enrolled in school. They said they made a promise to him that whether he was married or not, they'd pay for his first college degree and offer some support. I can't complain too much right now, because since I am out of work now too this support is helping both of us. But I do think to some extent my hubby has come to expect it, and is dependent on this monthly stipend. I resent it, and am of two minds on it. On one hand, I'm jealous, because I had to work my way through college and take out student loans -- no one helped me, and I still have enormous debt from this. On the other, I am sad he's come to depend on this income, and he never had the work experience I got while in college - overall he is newer to job hunting and has less experience to 'sell himself' to employers with. <p>I don't know what to do. We are running out of money. What point is his stipend if we can only pay for rent and not eat, do laundry, etc? The credit cards were overlimit long ago. The student loans are deferred, but not forever. How can I get him to take initiative? I've tried to explain how important this is, that we have equality in our relationship. Please advise. Between the move 2 months ago, my job hunt, the money situation, my medical problems, and having to keep urging him to find a job -- I'm totally stressing out. <p>Nina

I can understand your pain, Nina. Sounds like your husband was definitely provided for all his life & was conditioned to sit back & let others figure out how to take care of HIM. He probably chose you as his wife because he sensed that you were the kind of person that would be nurturing and take care of him. How long have you been married? Has he EVER had a job? If not, why was it okay before, but you're suprised by it now? ...Just giving you stuff to look at & think about. I once dated someone who I allowed myself to be confused into thinking I could marry, but the attraction between us was that he needed me & he couldn't really take care of himself financially or emotionally on his own. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, but seems like he needs a mommy - a rich mommy.<br>

lovegirl:<p>It hasn't always been like this...I recommend that you read the other thread with the same title (I accidentally posted the same thing twice, as of 1/6/99 the other thread had 5 posts). But to respond to your comments...yes, sometimes I have felt like a wife and a parent rolled into one. But I haven't always felt that way, and there *have been* times when he's worked. There have also been times when he nurtured and supported *me*, he's just much better about doing so emotionally rather than financially. The problem is, there's a point where supporting someone emotionally *and* financially overlaps. I can only do so much to keep the ship afloat and steer it, so to speak.<p>In his defense, he has made more of an effort this week to find work, called a lot of agencies, and emailed his resume to several recruiters. I think we both sort of have trouble finding work, TBH - to the point where perhaps we have a phobia about it. I have gotten better about it over the past year because I got contract jobs I really enjoy that built up my confidence. Two years ago, I had a nervous breakdown because of things happening at my workplace and fell into a deep depression which I was hospitalized for. It's been a long slow crawl/climb back to normalcy from there.<br>During that entire time, my H supported me emotionally, but not so much financially. I think in some ways he was afraid to go back to work himself, not just because he hated the job, but because he was afraid of leaving me alone...something bad might have happened, like me trying to off myself. <p>I got help, was in counseling, and took lots of antidepressants. I'm much better emotionally, and in some ways stronger for the experience. I know now that at the first signs a job isn't working, where the boss is acting unethically and screwing other people over (for example) -- that now is the time to start looking for another job, rather than get stressed out and find ways to point out injustices. Sometimes a company is bigger than one person can take on... Part of the reason I took up contracting (rather than a permanent position) was that if a workplace really sucked, I would only have to be there a minimal amount of time and then I am free to go, without any guilt that I was leaving a sinking ship.<p>Anyway...my H is supportive in a lot of ways, gentle, and kind; asks me how I am feeling and does a *lot* of the housework<br>around here. I never do laundry or clean out the catbox...he always does these things. He is also very romantic, and the sex is great. He's very intelligent, and good to have a long philosophical conversations with - we can basically talk about anything. So, it's not as if he is doing *nothing* or that our relationship is one where he always leans on me 100% (I wouldn't put up with that). He just has a problem getting motivated to find work, and knows he can be a little slack because his family can always 'bail him out'.<br>We both talked about this...and we really do want to make it entirely on our own without the family money -- but until at least one of us gets full-time employment, this isn't going to happen. There's just too many bills.<p>I guess I get resentful at times, and this is what my friends and my H say would end up ruining our relationship and serve no purpose. Being resentful only eats me up inside, and doesn't change the situation, much like hate only eats one up inside. Because I am older than he is, more educated, and have more work experience (and more follow-through, because I was allowed less leeway to make mistakes as I grew up) - I often feel that I am the one who ends up making major decisions for the two of us, and I have to be the one who gets a job _first_. I get tired of this after a while, feeling like I am the scout for the relationship or something. This might be the difference between a type A and type B personality, or the difference between someone who is clear about their goals and someone who is still figuring it out. I'm not sure anymore. All I know is I won't stop feeling uncomfortable until more income is coming in -- and until he gets a job.<p>Nina<br>