So what is happening, what is wrong? In a nutshell, my hubby has a difficult time when it comes to finding work, and we aren't getting enough money. It isn't for lack of education, lack of skills, or lack of brains. He has a fair amount of all that. The problem is (at least he says this is what it is) that he's afraid to look, has a hard time looking, and doesn't want to be rejected. He said to me that looking for work is as difficult for him as looking down from heights is for many other people. <p>I don't know what to do. I'm at my wit's end.<br>I just finished a job (I work on contract) and am looking for a new one myself. I can only work so many hours in a day, and only earn so much. Now that I'm not working, and he isn't - things are difficult. We're late paying this month's rent, and there's not even enough money to see us through the end of this month. I have no health insurance and have medical problems, so I have to see a doctor this week before symptoms worsen. <br>When I am working, I earn a fairly reasonable rate, but when I am not -- because of our very high debts (including student loans) and overhead, the remaining money disappears fast.<p>I worked really hard to get enough money together to move us to this city 2 months ago. He was still in school but he transferred and enrolled in nightschool so he could find a full-time job here during the day. It isn't happening, though. He spends more time on this bloody computer surfing the net than looking up jobs and emailing resumes. Every minute he sits here looking at news, games, etc. is another minute I feel he should be working on finding work. <p>Part of why this is happening is probably because his well-off family has sent him money every month he's been enrolled in school. They said they made a promise to him that whether he was married or not, they'd pay for his first college degree and offer some support. I can't complain too much right now, because since I am out of work now too this support is helping both of us. But I do think to some extent my hubby has come to expect it, and is dependent on this monthly stipend. I resent it, and am of two minds on it. On one hand, I'm jealous, because I had to work my way through college and take out student loans -- no one helped me, and I still have enormous debt from this. On the other, I am sad he's come to depend on this income, and he never had the work experience I got while in college - overall he is newer to job hunting and has less experience to 'sell himself' to employers with. <p>I don't know what to do. We are running out of money. What point is his stipend if we can only pay for rent and not eat, do laundry, etc? The credit cards were overlimit long ago. The student loans are deferred, but not forever. How can I get him to take initiative? I've tried to explain how important this is, that we have equality in our relationship. Please advise. Between the move 2 months ago, my job hunt, the money situation, my medical problems, and having to keep urging him to find a job -- I'm totally stressing out. <p>Nina

Nina,<br>I can relate to your husband fears of rejection whennit comes to looking for a job. I can tell you every time you push him he becomes that much less willing to look. I can also tell you that you lack of admiration for him which is so very evident in your post is hurting not only your relationship but his ego. Try this it would work for me. Tell your husband how proud you are of him for getting his education. Tell him how excited you are about the prospects of him achieving his goals. Help him in his effort to find a job. You could make it something both of you do for starters. Do not judge him. Believe me he probably resents the need for his parents money more then you do. Sit with him and write up resumes, address envolpes, talk to your friends, co-workers ect to see if you can find him a lead. Make it seem like he is doing it all and you are just helping him. Let this be an experience that both of you do. Use it to build your relationship not tear it apart. It is all a matter of preception. You husband has been very honest with you about one of his weeknesses do not betray his trust in you by demeaning his feelings. Do not force him into a job he will hate. He will resent you for it. By working with him both of you will be happy. You will feel like there is action being taken. That he honestly wants to provide for you and your future family and he will gain the needed self-esteem and knowledge required to find a job. Remember that hunting for a job is a skill. Some are very good at it and some aren't. you sound very good at it. So use your skill and knowledge to help you husband. Both of you are a team. You help out on each other shortcomings making both of you more then you would be if you were by yourself. Good luck

Nina - I know EXACTLY how you feel -- my husband went through the same type of thing when he FINALLY decided he needed out of his dead-end career, but wasn't confident that he could start over in another field. I know how hurt and abandoned and betrayed I felt when he basically refused to do anything to support me (I make a good salary, but it wasn't quite enough) and our new daughter. I resented that he felt he had that kind of choice. I know I don't. I also know that I would work at McDonald's if I had to to support my child, and I hated the fact that he didn't have the same commitment.<p>Unfortunately, I can't give you much advice. I tried being supportive and non-critical to him, and he just sat around on his butt for 8 weeks while I sweated paying the electric, rent and food! It didn't work. I finally told him to get a job, ANYWHERE, or he had to leave, and that worked. He resented it, and it is now causing major problems for us, but it made him realize that he had been failing me and our daughter.<p>Rustynail - I don't know what kind of experience you have had in the past, but I am here to tell you that your approach DOESN'T always work, and I personally cannot have respect for a man who MAKES NO ATTEMPT to support his family. If he is trying his best, then yes, support him non-critically. But a man who doesn't try simply needs to be kicked in the butt! (My opinion only - but does come from experience)

I can't offer any advise on getting your husband to work but I can offer a book title that will help you (and him) learn wise financial help and budgeting. It sounds like you are pretty deep in debt. Although, the American norm is to buy on credit, the injury caused by debt is too great to allow debt to go unchecked. Student loans, maxed out credit cards, and leaning on others to bail you out will promote more and more debt unless a proactive attempt is made to pay that debt quickly. I don't remember but the book may address your situation with your husband but it definitely talks about living only on one salary (typically the husband's), going to school, paying off debt, living within your means etc. It also uses Biblical principles of money management.<p>Larry Burkett<br>Debt Free Living<p>It can be picked up at any Christian bookstore or amazon.com.

Thanks for all the advice I've gotten so far.<br>One good thing has happened this week - I got so frustrated I looked on the net and printed out a pile of jobs that I think hubby can do. I encouraged him to call them, and on Monday<br>he went through a list and did so. Some were still out of town, trying to get flights back, some were on break - but he *tried*, and that is the important part.<p>To rusty - I've always been proud of the fact that he went back to school, and I've asked him lots of questions about what he's doing & show interest. I've tried to be supportive, but often that didn't seem to be enough...more than once he has been lacking initiative, and expects me to make decisions or take charge. Meghann is right in that respect -- sometimes encouragement is *not* enough. It's a tricky situation...I don't want to feel like I 'lord it over him' (or would that be 'lady it over him'?) but there is only so much a person can be comfortable with. Unfortunately, this is what happens: If I make decisions and take decisive action, I feel like the situation is imbalanced and I'm being too dominant...Marriage is supposed to be a *partnership*. However, if I don't take charge, relax, and wait for him to take action, then that decision will never get made! So it seems that either way, the relationship is imbalanced and jeopardized.<p>I am uncomfortable feeling like I am always the one in charge. Everything should be shared, IMO, or tasks/chores should be split fairly evenly. A power gridlock has occurred over the finances since we got married. During the first year of our marriage I was hospitalized for depression, and quit my job. He had a job then, but he quit (because he hated it, and wanted to keep an eye on me) and this caused the first round of financial problems. I couldn't work for medical reasons...he could, but he quit, and didn't bother looking again. I was too mired in my own stuff to even encourage him to look for another job. That's when we both started running up the cards, he asked for help from the family, and our debt started escalating beyond just student loans.<p>Now a couple years have passed, and I've noted a pattern that sprung from this event.<br>When we don't have enough to pay for the bills, we've run up our credit cards. When that line of 'defense' fails, hubby asks his family for money. When I'm out of a job, I get depressed...and hubby gets depressed, too. He will hug me a lot, and try to build my confidence to get a job, but stop helpiung me in ways that are practical. <p>Since he's been in school all the time we've lived together, and I've been working (or out of work, since I've been contracting), the relationship has always been a bit off-balance. In another year, things might change,since he'll be totally done with school. I just get so frustrated in the meantime because our finances are getting worse and I can't carry them on my own. I am constantly fighting back depression, too, which is aggravated by stress.<p>As for solving the debt problem itself...<br>well, I've talked to CCCS and they said they can't set up a payment plan with creditors until someone has a permanent job, ie regular paycheck to budget with. So I am working on finding a permanent postion if not longer term contract. Also, CCCS can't do anything about student loans...no one can...I have them financed at the lowest rate over the longest term and payments still end up being over $400 a month. Hey, I blame myself...I got accepted to an Ivy League and felt I couldn't pass up that chance. Now the degree is next useless, but I still have to pay the piper.<p>I'm sorry...I know this rambles on and is such a downer. I just don't know what to do next to take charge of the situation...in fact, that's not even what I want to do - but if I don't, things will only get worse.<p>Nina

Hugs to you, Nina. Your situation is different than mine was, but the outcome sounds very similar. I really hope things work out for you. If your relationship is like mine in other areas, money isn't the only area that you have conflict in. I haven't felt that I had a partner in my marriage and in raising our daughter for years now. We are in counseling, and I am waiting to see if that will do any good. You may want to see if there are some resources in your area for low-cost or free counseling. It really sounds like you could use it.<p>Best of Luck!<br>Meg.