I am so in love with my boyfriend & we are talking about marriage. The only issue in an otherwise excellent relationship is that I can't get over this paranoid belief that many females he encounters are a threat & he may cheat on me or even just carry on a flirtation behind my back. I constantly question him & don't mean to grill him, but I don't realize the implications of what I'm saying until he responds by saying, "You're really being silly. You know I love you and respect you." He even said once, "I would really think you would be above such petty jealousy." Ouch. I am a healthy individual. I just need to reconfigure my mentality about this. Okay, so I need advice on how I can take the step from wanting to trust him & actually trusting him. Can anyone give me some step-by-step advice or suggest books, etc? Please!!! <p>[This message has been edited by lovegirl (edited 01-07-99).]<p>[This message has been edited by lovegirl (edited 01-07-99).]

You have to ask yourself two questions <br>1) is it you insecurity that is threatened? i.e. Where you cheated on in the past? ect<br>2) Is it his actions that are causing your lack of trust? i.e. does he flirt? talk to girls? come home late? keep secrets?<br>If it is question one that describes you then you have to explain to your lover that this is a problem for you, ask for his help in meeting you need for honesty and openness explain that he has does nothing for you to mistrust him just that it is you inside.<br>if it is question 2 then again ask for his help. Explain what actionjs of his cause your mistrust to surface and between the two of you reach a mutally agreeable solution so that those behaviors change. Because if his behaviors do not change and you marry him you will still not trust him and your lack of trust will drive him away from you. either way both of you must deal with this and work out a muttally agreeable solution that takes both your feeling into account. this website and the book "give and Take" by the good Dr. explain things alot better. Good luck!

Does your boyfriend talk about marriage? Or does he simply agree when you bring up the subject?<p>And like the above post has there been any behavior in the past which might led you to suspect his honesty?<br>

I am certainly not bringing up marriage. I know better than that. The majority of the mistrust is based on my fears. The two most serious relationships I've been in were with men who upon reflection, were almost comical in the absurdity and frequency of their lies. It also scares me that even when you really know someone, as I thought I knew those two men, they can still have "an evil other side" that you will never see. You know what I mean? I guess I am putting a guard up to prevent being hurt, but I will end up hurt if this isn't resolved. The more I question him, the more I will push him away from me & my fears will be realized. I am also at a disadvantage, because I am an overly romantic fool who believes in absolute devotion & the idea that my mate for life could be tempted by another is revolting. I know that is naive, but it's how I feel.

Lovegirl,<p>Do you work at a company that has an EAP Program? (Employee assistance Program) You could get some free conselling this way and since you have a problem that you need to "work out yourself", it might come in handy. Alternatively, you could seek out conselling through your church, or (eek!) pay for it. You might find a session or two talking out your fears and concerns to be helpful.<p>Val

No, there is no assistance for counseling. That may be an idea, but I don't have the "cashes" for such a luxury right now. I will have to find other ways to deal with it. <p>[This message has been edited by lovegirl (edited 01-13-99).]

Hi Lovegirl,<p> Many churches offer "premarital counselling", in fact, they usually insist that you attend before they'll marry you. <p>I would think that a minister or priest, or whatever would be THRILLED to get into some deeper conversations with poeple BEFORE they got married. (Seeing as the divorce rate is still about 50%!)<p>I don't know if you are associated with a church or not, but generally the clergy is there to help in times like this, and also to make sure that you know that you are able to have a Godly marriage.<p>Val<br>(just putting another .02 into the pot...)