HES THIN AND HANDSOME, IM FAT. I FEEL IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE YOU MAKE LOVE TO THEM.HE SAYS HE IS VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH ME. HE WANTS ME TO DIET SO IM MORE HEALTHY AND HES RIGHT THERE. HOWEVER, I REALLY BELEIVE HE IS TURNED OFF BY <br>MY BODY AND IM REALLY CONFUSED. WHEN YOUR IN<br>LOVE WITH SOMEONE DONT YOU WANT TO DESIRE THEM ALSO? SHOULD I JUST ACCEPT THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE, SEX ABOUT 2 TIMES A MONTH? OR SHOULD I JUST THROW IN THE TOWEL. I AM REALLY<br>TRYING TO DIET TO MAKE MY SELF MORE HEALTHY AND MORE ATTRACTIVE TO HIM BUTS HIS REFUSALS TO NOT WANT SEX OFTEN HURTS. HELP!!!!

SammyMo,<p>I really hear your pain on this and totally understand where you are coming from. I have a weight problem as well and am doing the diet/exercise thing too.<p>Something in your post worries me though. It sounds as if you want to lose weight to keep your man. I have to say that the only people I've ever known that have lost weight and keep it off have done it for themselves. It didn't matter what the partner wanted. They wanted to do it because it made them feel better about who they were. <p>My best friend is in the same boat. Her husband has not touched her sexually for two years because of her weight, or at least that's the excuse he gives. <p>I know how hard it is to be rejected by the one you love. If you would like to email, my box is open. 73312.1457@compuserve.com<p>I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Jodi

Sammymo,<p> JodiC has a good point: You have to change for YOURSELF. If you don't want to, you may not be able to "for him".<p>My wife (over the past year or so) has lost about 40 lbs (wild guess) using Weight Watchers home program. I didn't ask her to, or hint in any way that I found her "fat" or unattractive. She always worried about what I and others thought. I wanted her then and I want her now. She lost the weight because SHE wanted to. Sure, I have to agree she looks better at about 115 than the did at 155, but I never thought she was too heavy. Don't get me wrong, I still desired her when she was heavier, but I do like the "new" look!<p> She enjoys all the compliments from her coworkers and friends, but basically, she did it for herself. <p>Your husband probably does love you as he says, but for some men, appearance is more important than others. He just isn't as "turned-on" as he would be (maybe) if you were thinner. No guarantees though. I think really thin women don't look healthy. They also look like they'd be too easy to "break" if you got too enthusiastic in bed.<p>If you decide to lose weight, do it for yourself, talk to a counsellor if you need to. <p>Get and read "His Needs, Her Needs", even though your husband might "need" a thinner spouse, YOU need his affection and support - no matter how much you weigh. He needs to understand that he can "enable" you through meeting your needs.<p>Best of luck!<p>Val

SammyMo,<p>I'd suggest that you get "Give and Take" from this website, too.<p>Your statement that 'when you are in love with someone don't you desire them' isn't really accurate. If one of his needs is an attractive spouse, and your weight is keeping you from being 'attractive' in his eyes, than you're not meeting that need.<p>This is a case for the "Policy of Joint Agreement". Don't do anything without coming to a mutually-enthusiastic agreement.<p>Brainstorm. For instance, you could continue to do your weight loss program (and stick with it). He could provide 'incentive' by making love to you more frequently as you lost weight. It seems to me that this might actually make dieting fun, and your husband would be able to recognize your dedication to fulfilling his need for an attractive spouse.<p>Jodi and V are right in that you need to it for yourself. It is 'possible' to do this for yourself because you want to meet your husband's emotional needs, and that he will reciprocate by meeting your unmet need for sexual affection as well. So if you view it like that (and you and your husband can come up with a win-win situation), you should be successful.

THANKS FOR ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS. IT MENT A LOT TO KNOW THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO ARE WILLING TO TAKE THE TIME TO REACH OUT FOR OTHERS. GOD BLESS YOU ALL. IT REALLY HELPED ME ACHIEVE A HAPPIER OUTLOOK. I DONT FEEL SO HELPLESS ANYMORE. I LOOK FORWARD TO MORE OPINNIONS. THANKS AGAIN

K,<p>You are the master of "positive reinforcement"! Your brainstorm idea is great. <p>Gee, I wish my wife would bring some bad habits to my attention - so she could give me the incentive to correct them!<p>Val

Yeah, I may be the 'master' of positive reinforcement. I'm also the master of... <p>:-)<p>I think of the phrase "physician, heal thyself" whenever I give advice concerning sexual fulfillment.<p>You will be pleased to hear that our marriage recovery is really progressing nicely. And now that our son is born, I'm really optimistic that I'll be able to give up the 1999 "Golden Forearm" award to someone else (maybe the OM...).

See K,<br> <br> As long as we can still laugh about it, we'll do OK. Sometimes I credit my ability to go on despite adversity (not just the kind discussed here, but all kinds) to my "short attention span". The ability to temporarily "forget" about your problems lets you stay sane. Not that I get accused of being sane too often....<p> ("Golden Forearm Award" you ever think of writing comedy?)<p>But seriously, I'm glad that Sammymo/bigbatsgirl got some information here. Hope she found something she can use!<p>V<p>

Val,<p>I completely agree that a good sense of humor is an important weapon in the fight to remain 'sane'.<p>And yeah, lots of people tell me that I should write comedy or do stand up. And between myself and my two brothers, I'm the 'least' funny. Imagine family reunions...<p>:-)