I have been w/ my bf for over 2 years. We became engaged after about 1 year. We were so in love. We were both really happy.<p>We went over our emotional needs and love busters in early summer of 98. We seemed so compatible, and there were very few things we needed to work on.<p>Until he left me in October. He left me because his social needs were not being met. And he didn't feel that I made any effort to become a part of his life; his friends, his family, his work, his activities, etc. <p>I know that I was quite selfish, but I had some subconscious reasons for being that way - although now I know they still don't justify the hurt I caused him.<p>He came back to me, after "trying the best he could to get over me", but after almost 2 mos. of trying, he couldn't do it anymore. He said he came back because he loved me too much, but he wanted to make sure that we could definitely work on fulfilling the needs of his that I didn't fulfill before. <p>I said I would do my best, and have since done so much to prove to him that his happiness means the world to me.<p>He has told me that he can see that there are significant changes in me, and he can see us being really happy together.<p>I feel like I'm doing everything to make him happy, which is throwing me off, because I'm not feeling my needs of security are being met. I even make love to him, even though I don't feel connected enough sometimes to go through with it. I do it to make him feel loved and trusted though.<p>Afterwards, he is always extra-loving, and he holds me and kisses me. I know that if he didn't love me, he would just want to leave, and wouldn't be able to touch me like that, since he told me before that when he was with other women, he always had to leave because he felt sick that he had done that.<p>He is not a man who can separate love and sex.<p>The engagement is still off, but we seem to be getting along quite well...aside from the problem I am about to disclose...<p>We argue A LOT about his feelings for me, and my feelings of insecurity in the rel'p.<p>For the duration of our 2 years together, I was very secure, and knew just how much and how deeply he loved me.<p>Now, I can't seem to trust him again - that he won't leave me. I rationalize that I know that the reason he left me was a good one, but I can't get over the fact that he could do that to me, in spite of the hurt he was feeling. <p>I know he came to me with the problem a few times, to which I dismissed it in a way, (that was my fault), but I can't believe that he did that.<p>I am still hurting so much over it.<p>I am used to being cherished, and having him love me endlessly, with so much energy and drive.<p>Sometimes I feel like his drive is gone. <p>I asked him just last night if the drive was still there, and he said, "of course it is. Look at what I've done for you the last few days. Think before you ask me that question. You KNOW the answer."<p>Yet I don't feel I really DO know the answer. I know he loves me, but how much?<p>He says he still wants to marry me, when everything is right back on track. (When we stop the arguing.)<p>I can't seem to develop secure feelings. I even look into his eyes and see him not all there.<p>Am I just being paranoid?<p>Is it all really my problem - and there is nothing missing on his part?<p>Do I just have to calm down and accept that he truly loves me, and stop doubting him?<p>Can you get over an issue of trust?<p>ps. Just f.y.i.: we are both in our mid 20's, we share the same values, interests, cultures, education, ideals, etc. etc.<p>We both want the same things, one of which is this relationship.<p>Can someone PLEASE HELP ME?!!!<p>Thanks so much.

Hey girl. I know exactly what you are talking about. You kind of have this urge to create balance & keep your heart to yourself. You shouldn't feel bad about being paranoid that he'll leave you, after all, he did leave you. Seems to me like he could have resolved the situation in a different way. We should talk-you can e-mail me at sjessm@aol.com.

Skarlie,<br>Have you read any of Dr. Harley's books? There is lots of information all over this website - it sounds like you and your boyfriend have a way to go before you identify and meet all of each other's emotionsl needs, and identify and eliminate all love busters.<p>You might both benefit from the books "Give and Take" "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"<p>Also, you can change your feelings - you've proven to yourself and your boyfriend that you can change your behavior. Michele Weiner-Davis advocates "act as if": act as if you are secure and you will start to feel secure. Act as if you are happy in your relationship (unless there is something more than your feeling insecure) and you will begin to feel more content.<p>Good Luck!<p>terri

Skarlie,<br>I feel that you should continue doing what you are doing. Although it is self sacrificing,you should consider it as an investment in your relationship that will pay off in the longrun.If you try to make him happy (within reason),he will try to make you happy.Forget your insecurities,he came back to you and there had to be a good reason for that.Most importantly,stay open with him aboutwhat you feel.Being a man myself and a husband,I know how impossible a relationship can be when a woman expects me to read her signals.Dont assume he will be able to read you,just tell him whats on your mind and give him the opportunity to respond before you make any assumptions of how he feels.YOU ARE MAKING FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.<p>P.S. Thanks for responding to my topic(IS INTERNET FLIRTING TRULY HARMLESS) Lets talk heres my e-mail address (bobbyberry@webtv.net) My wife and I are also in our mid-twenties.<p>GOOD-LUCK