Me and my husband have been married 6 years. We have a 3 year old who since he has been born, my husband has REALLY become a great dad for, he spends very much time with him in the evenings, etc. Recently, he ran into some old buddies of his from high school and his days of doing some police work. These guys all hang out after work for a beer or two (sometimes 3) at a local bar/eatery. Naturally, he went by there one night after talking to them and stayed for a couple hours (he called me and let me know - and called twice from the place). he also stopped by there another 2 times last week. One night he didn't get home till 11 pm and I was worried because typically he WONT drink and drive - and it was storming. Its really starting to bug me since I too, work 8 hours a day and come home to 3 children to cook supper, clean, do homework with them, etc. Last week I was sick with the flu and had all this to handle while he was "playing" with friends. They convinced him to go to this place Sunday to watch the Falcons game and he left at 11 am and got home that night at 7:45. I didn't say a thing - because I don't want to come across as I'm griping about it, etc. He knows I don't really care for him to do that (occasionally is one thing) - and last week I ended up throwing his dinner out because he didn't want it once he got home that late. He called me 3 or 4 times from the bar checking on us and laughing it up - and personally, I think at this age, its a little ridiculous. He has a family and I believe that this type of action can only begin to get people in trouble? Am I being unreasonable? If I say something to him about it, he will assume that I don't want him going because I am jealous or I don't want him being with his friends, etc. (which is why I havent) - and if I am being unreasonable - I want to be fair. he and I have a pretty good relationship; I don't do the bar scene and he hasn't in the past (did before we got married but not since) - I need your opinions because this is burning me up inside.<br>

Cndy,<p>Classic problem:<p>------------<br>Its really starting to bug me... <p>I didn't say a thing - because I don't want to come across as I'm griping about it... <br>this is burning me up inside<br>------------<p>Now, ask yourself if you are following the Rule of Complete Honesty. <p>Your husband is exhibiting 'thoughtless' behavior. But what's worse, he probably isn't aware of it. He's checking in with you, and he probably figures you approve. Yikes!!!!!<p>You need to sit down and let him know how you feel, without the use of lovebusters. Be prepared to use the Policy of Joint Agreement; you should be able to brainstorm to a solution without too much trouble.

Thanks for the reponse K.<br>The evening that he was out till 11 pm - I only said to him that I didn't appreciate him staying out till 11 and drinking and driving - for two reasons; its illegal and because I and the baby were sick. I didn't think it was fair. <br>He replied that he was "fine" to drive. <br>That was his way of ending the conversation - but tonite, I guess I will try to let him know how I feel. <br>I just didn't know if it were better to let it slide and see if it fades away as quickly as it came. But I guess its better to nip it in the bud. Thanks.

Cndy:<p>The 'lying' for reasons of protection or omission seem OK when you do them. But over the course of a marriage, the resentment builds. That guy your married to:<p>---------------------------<br>he and I have a pretty good relationship<br>---------------------------<p>eventually the relationship will sour, and you'll have much more problems than just him going out a couple nights a week. <p>Additionally, a 'pretty good' relationship isn't a great one. And I'm really confident that if you and your husband can learn the 'rules' here at Marriage Builders and follow them, you have a terrific marriage. And once you do figure them out, and apply them all the time, you'll be amazed how easy it is to have a great marriage. It's just simply learning to eliminate thoughtless and destructive behavior and replace those with caring, loving behaviors.<p>The payoff is well worth it. <p>Good luck with the 'discussion'. Is he familiar with any of the MB stuff here? That would help smooth things over.

I have tried to get him to read this stuff (even printed out the LoveBusters, all that stuff, etc, but he doesn't believe in all that - nor does he believe in counseling. I tried counseling (and went myself quite a few times) - after about 2 years of marriage, but he says we dont need it. Nothing is wrong. He is VERY strong minded. BUT, I felt that due to this being my second marriage and bringing children into it (I was previously married for 10 years - divorced due to infidelty (him), drinking (bad), and other things. <br>Basically, things have been good, but I believe it can ALWAYS be better and it can ALWAYS be worked on. I hate divorce and everything that comes with it. Maybe thats why I work SO HARD on this thing and maybe why after years of NO bar scene - it scares me. <br>This marriage could ALWAYS use improvement; but for him, he says its great and nothing is wrong.

Cndy,<p>Sounds like your H "missed the point" of what you were trying to say. He said he was "fine to drive", which may or may not be true depending on how much he drank, how much he weighs, time, food, and personal tolerance. (Technically it's only "illegal" if his blood alcohol level exceeds the limit for your state. I didn't say doing it was smart, by any means.)<p>Maybe you need to raise one objection at a time with him. (ie, that him staying out late was the problem, not that AND drinking.) This way, he would have to address THAT issue.<p>All the talk of "Policy of Joint Agreement" and "Love Busters" will really only work if he understands (and agrees to) the principles we're talking about. <p>Without the POJA being followed by both partners, your objections will just seem like "nagging". He'll feel that you're messing with his "identity" or not letting him "be himself". <p>You have to get him to sit down and agree to negoitiate before you can take him to task on violating an agreement he never made. <p>(Yes, I know he made vows, but he never said: "love and honor and never drink with the boys".)<p>Keep your cool, be calm with him and don't meet his agression with more of your own. Make sure he realizes that you have both of your best interests in mind when you ask him to read or agree to something.<p>Val<br>(The Husband)<br>

Cndy,<p>I hate to disagree with Val (who is perfectly agreeable most times... :-) ), but all the Marriagebuilders concepts "work" even if only one partner is doing them.<p>They may not work 'well', or be as fun, but they work.<p>The rule of protection states that you must protect your spouse from 'lovebusters': angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, dishonesty, and selfish demands. You can't control HIS actions, but you can control your own. And I'm sure that everyone agrees that all the above behaviors are detremental to a marriage.<p>Following the "Policy of Joint Agreement" is strange if you're the only one doing it. It's basic premise is that you should never GAIN at your spouses EXPENSE. There are times where sacrifices are necessary, but you should be sacrificing with the goal of a 'greater' gain in the end (as opposed to a goal of martyrdom as the 'suffering spouse').<p>Val is absolutely right in that you should negotiate on 'future' outings. You can tell him (respectfully) how the current ones are stressing you, and you should be able to come up with a mutually-agreeable solution.<p>It seems that you need to do two main things: you have to learn to express yourself without letting things build up, and your husband needs to learn how to listen to what you're saying. You can work on #1 immediately. It's unlikely that your husband is going to work on #2 'willingly', so you're going to have to try setting a good example first, and see where that gets you. <p>Good luck.

Thanks for your responses.<br>Firstly, I guess for me the alcohol issue seems illegal EVEN if he wasn't over the level you have to be to get DUI - BUT, after 5 hours of beer; I would guess he was close and considering he tripped going UP the stairs that nite . . . further being that he works as a truckdriver, he automatically gets FIRED if he is pulled over for drinking. Its pretty scary. In the past, he always let me drive if he even had a beer to avoid that. <br>Like I said, in the past, I really don't mind that or let it bother me; but is was so infrequent. 3 times in a week becomes TOO frequent for me - and like you said; we are not yellers or fighters, so I don't want to say too much about it. But, deep down it bothers me.<br>What bothers me a lot more though is the fact that he thinks counselors, or ANYONE giving advice or offering help is nuts and that WE just don't have problems. Any. And I do try to do all of this one sided - because he would laugh at all this (he already has). He has an ego (ex military person, was in secret service) - and has that "coldness" to him that won't left the NICE person in him come out. <br>I know he does recognize that I am bothered by it though; he has called me 3 times at work today "just to chat" and thats how he is to me when he senses that I am upset about something. He won't ask what - he'll avoid that issue and just try to smooth things over without any communication. Its been that way for years. He does not like conflict AT ALL (I really don't either) but I feel like people HAVE to talk. He doesn't. He just likes to drop things. <br>Sometimes I think some of this is maybe that he's a little depressed? He has so much, but never has enough? He is still debating if he wants to go back and do investigation work - wants to get back into fishing - just when he finds what he thinks he wants to do - his track of mind changes. Just weeks ago when he met these friends (and it had been YEARS) - it brought back the secret service days and now he is on a high to get back into private investigations, etc. I cant figure him out - and thats why he is trying to hang with these guys right now. Confuses the heck out of me.<br>

Cndy,<p>I guess K has a "more correct" answer in that the techniques WILL work, but not as well. (K - You said they're supposed to be fun?)<p>What I meant was you can't just say: "OK, from now on the POJA will govern all issues that arise." Certainly avoiding lovebusters will be better than employing them. <p>I think it's important that BOTH partners know what's going on. Just because you refrain from doing something that your H doesn't like doesn't mean that he will automatically do the same. As for avoiding angry outbursts (etc.) Your H needs to know WHY you're being "so nice". I could see where a domineering H might think his W finally "yielded" to his "leadership" by stopping her angry outbursts. He needs to know that HE is supposed to act a certain way and follow the POJA TOO!<p>As for the drinking/driving rule by his company - that is a whole 'nother matter. (I didn't know he had stricter standards to follow.) I can see why you fear for his job.<p>As for the "one partner trying to fix a marriage", I think Harley mentions that it CAN work in SOME cases. I wouldn't give up on getting him to read the material. Before I found Harley's books, I listened to Dr. Ellen Kriedman's "Light Her Fire" tapes. She says that if you do all the stuff in the tapes, your spouse will "spontainiously" come around and do anything to please you. I listened to the tapes 4 or 5 times, and changed a lot of things I was doing "wrong", I'm still waiting for my wife to spontainiously change.<p>Cndy - the fact that your H calls you from work is a good sign. I think that at least he is thinking of you and you can work from there.<p>Val

Thats why I keep on trying.<br>Marriage is supposed to be forever. <br>Without a back door.<br>and I never, never, never want to experience divorce AGAIN. Too much hurt, too much pain and too much of getting over it. <br>So I will continue at all costs to try to be the best I can be and maybe that will be enough to keep it all together.