I have been dealing with ongoing serious conflict with my wife for the last seven months. She accuses me of having sexual feelings for other women, and that is unacceptable to her. By sexual feelings, she means fantasizing about having sex with people who she knows, in particular, our son's nanny. She asked me seven months ago, when we were making love and talking about fantasies, what sexual fantasy I had that didnt involve her. That was a trap. I wasnt thinking we were speaking seriously, and told her that I thought about having sex with the nanny. She flipped out. I thought everything was perfect in our relationship, except that we both worked too hard and were under too much stress. My wife had just given birth to our second child six weeks before this confrontation. She told me that she had known I felt that way because of the way I looked at the nanny. I told her that I thought the nanny was attractive, but didnt actually spend time thinking about having sex with her, and that I would never cheat on her.<br>She asked me to leave, and I resisted. That was seven months ago and I could write a novel about everything that has happened since, but a brief synopsis would be that we spent six month arguing about whether thinking about other people sexually was wrong. My focus was that men are different from women, and that I was certainly better than most men who read porno magazines, or go to Hooters. Her point was that she didnt care how I compared, she hated any behaviour like that and no longer loved me because of it. She has allowed me to stay because of the kids, but things have gone downhill. We moved to another state to try to start anew, but she really doesnt want to try. I have read a library full of books on rebuilding relationships and put much into practice. I have seen three counsellors and my current one, Steve Harley, is excellent and has allowed me to see things differently. I no longer try to defend myself by saying I am just a man. I have told her that I realize that I cannot justify my actions by what is accepted by society, but only by what is acceptable to her. I committed to change any behavior or habits which she disagreed with or found offensive. I try hard not to get defensive when she gets verbally abusive, calling me every name in the book. I have made major strides at eliminating Love Busters that have plagued us for the last seven months. She says that I did the one thing she can never forgive me for and that she refuses to work on our relationship. She refuse to see a counsellor, and has only briefly looked at Love Busters. She said it was disrespectful to her feelings suggesting that my behavior was merely an annoying habit. We had another bad session of her attacking and me beng unable to hold myself together. I fall apart crying and telling her how she should have told me her feelings were changing, and that this is not just my fault.<p>I left shortly after for a short business trip, where I am now. I spoke on the phone with her last night, which I stayed non-confrontational and passive, but she ranted and raved and called me names until she hung up. Her point was that this could not go on, and that one day I would come home to find her and the kids gone. That nothing I could do to change my behavior would make any difference.<p>I know that things have to change too. If they dont, one or both of us will end up with a mental breakdown. She has tried to ignore my presence in the house and treat me like a roomate or co-parent, but not a spouse. She says just looking at me reminds her of all that she has lost, and how much she misses it, and how she can never have love or romance with me again. She has never once in seven months, conceeded that maybe we could work things out, despite my constant attention and trying to do so.<p>The question now is what to do. I love her more than life itself. In addition, I love my kids and want them to grow up with two parents who love them and each other. My belief structure is that marriage is for life, especially when kids are involved. I want my wife and I to set an example for them of how great things can be. I know that if we cannot work things out, I will feel like I have failed in my life and in my beliefs. Our kids will not have what they could if we stay together, and neither of us will feel as fulfilled as we would if we could work things out.<p>What should I do? I know she is going to want major changes to make her life less stressful, and she sees my presence as causing that stress. She says she needs to take positive steps forward in her life, instead of lanquishing in despair.<p>How can a win-win-win situation come out of this for both of us and the kids. I think seperation or divorce is lose-lose-lose.<p>HELP!

First of all I'll tell you a little about myself, I have been married for 9years just recently. I have 3 kids 7,2 and 9mths. I am a christian and have been for 5 yrs. <br>Do you suspect maybe her having an affair? If not, then maybe it's all in your approach, have you tried figuring out or asking her what her needs are, try taking her out somewhere different and special, get a sitter for the kids overnight, come home with something special jewelry, roses, an outfit for ex. I feel most important that if you do not have the Lord in your life, a marriage will fall apart, ex. I had a one night stand with my husband because my needs were not getting met, I felt I was just a housewife and babysitter, he went where he wanted to go, yes he loved me, just wasn't showing it in the way I needed. I became a christian from that, and ever since then the Lord has helped us be the parents, spouses, and we are best friends, yes we still have our problems but he really tries to work them out, that's the point, you have to work together to work these things out. I strongly urge that if your wife isn't a christian and you aren't either, the biggest advice I can give you is buy a King James Version bible, ask the Lord to come in your life and ask forgiveness, and pray this, I know I am a sinner and you died on the cross and rose again, come into my life and make me a child of yours, this is how you get saved, you will repent from your old ways with the Lord's help just ask and you shall recieve, it's not easy being saved, the world doesn't become perfect, you just have the Lord to walk with you and help you with these problems, you'd be amazed at what he says in the bible, it' not just about stories long ago, you can apply these things in your life, I urge you and your wife to do this, I was like her, I didn't want to look at my husband, everything about him disgust me too, until I accepted Christ, he gave us a wonderful relationship. I give it all to the Lord. Don't you believe he made everyone for a reason? He loves everyone, and if you are a child of his, He will get you through it. In the bible it says you do not divorce, except for adultery, as you see it's been a long time since that happened with me, but it's only because the Lord was with us. Start reading in Mathew in the New Testament, the Old is a little difficult to understand but in time you will. In the Old Testament is a book called 1Corinthians read ch 13. too. It speaks on Love. Well I know if you want and love your wife, you will do this for her and your children. <p>In Christ,<br>Melissa<br>

Hi, Matt.<p>It is true that when sharing fantasies, we should remember to never include in them someone we know - or if we can't help it, we definitely shouldn't share this with our significant other.<p>It would have been a lot less severe if you'd have said, "I fantasize about being with you and another woman" - that type of fantasy is normal for a man or woman. But when a fantasy becomes about normal copulation between you and someone you know, problems will always definitely arise for the partner.<p>For instance, what if she were to say to you, "oh yes, I dream of making love with your best friend all the time. What a fantasy." Wouldn't you flip?<p>Of course you would. Fantasies are exactly what the word describes - like a dream. Your fantasy was far too vivid and possible for her to deal with.<p>You need to understand that.<p>I don't know how you're going to get her to believe in you again. She needs to know that you only want HER, and not any other woman. Of course she feels insecure around you - she thinks you dream about other women you know. For a woman who loves a man, that is one of the things that might hurt the most. Women attach a lot of emotion with making love. She is surely very hurt by your idea.<p>Tell her how much you love her. Don't give up. Tell her that you don't want any other woman. Tell her that you didn't have any interest in the nanny. Tell her you don't know what you were thinking. Tell her you would never cheat on her. Tell her you think she's the most beautiful woman in the world, and that the most beautiful fantasies you have ever had were about just her, because you love her, and you could never love another woman. Tell her that making love to her is out of this world. Tell her nothing compares to it. Tell her that you would never, ever cheat on her. Tell her that the reason you would never cheat on her is because you have no desire to be with another woman. Tell her that even if the nanny were to try to seduce you, there would be no way that you would give in to temptation because you know how strongly you love your wife, and how much more beautiful making love is than having sex is.<p>Tell her that no matter what happens, you will always love her, and that you are sorry about what you said, and that SHE HAS REASON to be hurt. But you didn't mean it in that way, and you would never act upon even the slightest attraction.<p>Tell her that you can understand if she thought a man was sexy, and told you, that you would KNOW that she wouldn't do anything with him.<p>Finally, I think it is healthy to find other people attractive, but it is not healthy if we daydream about having sex with them. If our partner is not fulfilling our needs, then we might have a wandering eye. <p>That is what she is thinking. That she is not fulfilling your needs, and you might have sex with someone else. She feels she is not enough for you.<p>And you know that she is...you have to let her know this now.