I cannot believe how similar our stories are. I don't know how long it has been since you found out about your h affair, I have known for 9 wks. Time does ease the pain some. I still have days that are very bad but fewer than in the beginning. My worst time is when my h is gone. I am pretty good when he is home. The hardest part for me is that he can't tell me what was missing in our relationship that he could do this. My friend and I were often mistaken for sister. We looked similar, acted similar dressed the same, etc. In fact if her kids didn't have their glasses on they couldn't tell the difference until they were very close. I know she was very available to my h and he just fell hook line and sinker. This is just so unlike him. I always thought he was such a great man of integrity. I knew we would have problems, but this was the last one I ever expected. I always said I would never forgive an affair. I guess satan has seen to it that I had the opportunity to not forgive. I'm still working on forgiving, but I know with God on my side I will make it.<P>I noticed that you like to read. A book that my counselor recommended to me is called "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor E. Frankl. In the first part of the book he shares what it took to survive a concentration camp. One quote from the book is "What alone remains is "the last of human freedoms" -- the ability to "choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances."" Through this I have chosen to survive with dignity. I also know that I have to give my h the freedom to leave so that he doesn't feel like he is in bondage(still working on this also). This whole thing is so tough. It is like everything I believed in has died. I am a born again Christian and that has remained my one constant. People have always talked about getting all of their strength from the Lord and I really didn't understand how to do that, but I could not have come through this so quickly on my own.<P>Right back with any questions, thoughts, or other. I'm no pro just someone the same place you are learning what works and what doesn't Another thing that has been hard is finding someone to talk to that would totally support me, but not trash my h for what he has done and hold it against him forever. My family is out, they would never forgive him and friends here know both h and ow so didn't feel great with that option either. I have called a friend that lives away from here and that has been great support. Hang in there and just remember that your h is home with YOU!!

Derby, you are wise to not confide in your family. I made that mistake. They won't drop it even though I want to move on in forgiveness and healing. When they bring up the past I tell them I don't want to hear it. My H and I are in recovery and have a long haul ahead, but I know this is the right choice. I too am a born again Christian and believe God has called me to stand for my marriage. I have a lot to overcome but by the Grace of God I will. Hang in there and I'm glad you are here.<BR>God Bless<BR>Ginn

Ginn,<P>Keep working on recovery. Right now my husband doesn't want to "work" on anything. In his mind everything is back to "normal" now that she is out of the picture. Any ideas on what to do with that kind of attitude? It's not that things are bad with us, I just want to "Affair Proof my Marriage"

I am just where you are!! It's been 10 weeks instead of 9 but everything else is the same. H had affair with friend,etc... My H is feeling the same way as yours, let's forget it ever happened, don't bring it up and get on with our lives. I really think he thinks I should never think about it again and maybe he thinks I have already forgotten it. If I try to ask him what he is feeling, he avoids it. It's like he just wants to wipe it all away and never talk about it again. I don't know if I should push it or not. Any thoughts?<P>ps. We are doing ok....i'm like you, I'm much better when we are together than when he is gone.

Zombie,<BR>Just imagine, 10 wks ago we didn't think we would be here! I am of the theory that if we just drop the issue and don't work on anything to improve our relationship, this is just going to come back and bite us. H says "this will NEVER happen again." because he could not handle it. He is very honest person other than this one "little" discression. He actually got high blood pressure during the whole affair and she actually had the nerve to tell me I was putting him under to much stress. I am amazed at the nerve. You would have thought she would have taken credit for part of it and not said anything.<P>If I come up with any great brain storms as to how to work through this I will pass it along. I am thinking of getting the Love Busters workbook and forcing him to go through it. Forcing is not the best option, but then neither is pretending it never happened Oh if only these men came with directions!

Hey Derby-Thanks! I am having a very rough day. First of all I broke down after a sleepless night and told my H that I thought the OW's H had posted here. He said I doubt it-until I showed him the post-then he had to agree-at least with most of it. So that got him upset. Then he talked with his mom-he has a brother that is 46 and has cancer-and his mom informed him that the cancer is everywherre-lungs, lymph nodes, liver and bones. Then we got home-we are renting with option to buy-and the owner was digging a new well and he has told the well drillers to stop-they went 300 ft and no water. So it looks as though we have to move again. it also means we will more than likely have to sell our horses and trailer, maybe get rid of the dogs and rabbits and move into an affordable home in town vs. country :-( I am so down. Then I was going to re-post to ripped apart and my H got angry-said he just wants it to end!!! I understand him-he has admitted to his wrong doings-and he is deeply ashamed of himself. But he doesnt understand that had I been given any options I would never have asked for him to do this to me. I am hell bent on speaking what I believe to be the truth-maybe I am wrong for that but I feel it very neccesary to begin to heal. I am sick-I am tired-I am depressed. it is the days like this that make you want to get in the car and drive-to anywhere nowhere-who cares. I know things will get better-all the way around-but today I feel like my world is collapsing around me and I very upset. I wish I had your e mail-I do not want to post mine here as of yet.

Heartache, My e-mail address is under my profile. Just go to the sunglasses and click. It should be there. I haven't gotten any unwanted e-mail from having it posted there so just consider me a country bumpkin. Life here has been a little stressful too. We found out the day we went to close on our house that there is a lein against our land that needed to be released. When we were drilling our well we had to go 323 ft to get water. We had budgeted for 160. When stress hits, there is lots of company Hang in there.

Naw-been there, done that-it says not available

Sorry, I am loosing my brain. It is Derbymum@aol.com. Write to me any time'