Im 43, my wife of 18 years is 42. I love her very much but recently we have been having problems. Although she tells me she still loves me she says that she no longer loves me in a sexual way. She has no desire for sex with me and Ive no real reason to suppose that she has any interest in sex with anyone eles though I seem to be building up all sorts of ideas in my head which are starting to affect the way that I behave and causing only more problems. I suppose that its all too easy to say that everything eles in our marriage is fine but maybe thats more to do with just accepting things the way they are and forgetting how they ought to be. I know that at times Im difficult but I dont think any more so than most people. Both my wife and I have demanding jobs and my wife in particular is constantly tired and admittedly has a heavy work load. However I find it hard to explain just how difficult this situation is becoming... to the point that im almost ready to give up on our relationship. The thought of living the rest of my life without sharing a physical relationship is becoming unbearable but at the same time the thought of living without my family and sharing the home we have built up over 20 years seems equally hard. If anyone has any constructive adviceI would be most greatful to hear it.

Dear Christopher:<br>Have you two talked about your situation? If so, what is her response like? Have you looked at counseling? My h and I are newly married & goignt o a PAIRS seminar this weekend because we're getting into a rut (which happens) but, we wanted to address it early to avoid building problems.. I'll share the synopisis of the semiar with you. it might be something that you two could look at!.. All the best............joyross@concentric.net ICQ 5365977

I am pretty much in the same situation as Christopher except my wife has not been so blunt. I just found this board and posted my conflicts. I know how you feel. You are humiliated like me. I really don't feel good about myself after this problem.

The way that I read this is that the problem in your marriage is the lack of sexual attraction on her part. There are other relatively minor problems, and you still love each other, but this sex thing is really a downer. I am reading this right?

If so, then the answer is obvious: spouses who love each other do nice things for each other. Just like one may want to go antiquing and the other does not care for it, they both go, because it is important to the one that does want to go that they go together. Similarly, just because she does not get anything out of having sex with you does not mean that the two of you should not have sex. She should have regular sex with you because she loves you and wants to do nice things for you.

I think you would agree that the problem is not the absence of sexual intimacy in your relationship. This is a symptom. Women don't perform as well 'in the bedroom' when there are unresolved issues 'outside of the bedroom'. Your wife has clearly somewhat 'dialed out' of your relationship and there are emotional and, perhaps, spiritual disconnects.

Since you are clearly suffering, you should forward the dialog with her about your emotions. "I feel as though I am not attractive to you", "I am suffering because I cannot be as intimate with you as I would like", "do you agree that our intimate life is lacking in frequency and/or quality", "what do you believe you need of me to get our relationship back on track in this area", "what other areas in our relationship do you believe need work?" Start the hard work of communication and be the FIRST to begin to make the positive changes to bring resolution to your relationship crisis. As a man, I applaud you for your critical perspective of your relationship and a degree of ownership of its resolution.

Bordenz
www.ThePureBed.com

I also have your problem. My wife continually tells me how great I am, that I'm still attractive but she's not attracted to me. Over a period of about 3 years I simply put up with it and chalked it up to stress (this period was difficult personaly, professionally and financially for both of us) and prayed to get through this and go on enjoying our life together. But after all the stressors were gone her feelings are still there. It's not even the sex that I miss, its the feeling of being wanted. I've tried every "get that spark back" trick that I could try. We still have sex every few months but she even admits that she's doing it for me and not really into it. Part of me is grateful that she's trying but at the same time insulted. That leads to frustration because no matter how good or bad husband/ father I am her feelings for me don't change. She has no faith in counselling and our communication is fine so I don't think that will help. We tried a trial separation that lasted only one night. The next day we agreed that we didn't want to be apart.
I guess my problem is that I don't know what my next step is other than waiting. I know I love her and she loves me. I've known her for a long time (including very close friends before we dated) and I know that she wouldn't still be with me if she didn't want to be. I know she wants to be attracted to me again I just don't know how to get her there.
Sorry to add to your problem, if I had the solution I would certainly try. I will say this, DON'T LET YOUR MIND WANDER! I've found myself wondering if my wife was attracted to (or even with) someone else but after carefull thought I realize it's just in my head trying to rationalize what was happening. After all, if she were cheating the problem would solve itself because I would end the marraige.

I am sorry that I don't have any answers but I too have your problem and I wonder if it's a lot more common than we would like to think!

I know my husband loves me. I know that he is not having an affair with an OW and that sometimes our sex life is fantastic. But he tells me that it is 'a cyclical thing' and that there are periods when it is just not going to happen.

So what do I do? Wait until his cycle says that he is ready and then make sure that I am ready too? I feel more than a little angry about this issue. I am still an attractive woman despite carrying extra kilograms and still enjoy this aspect of my marriage, but I feel insulted also that (apparently) I am expected to wait until the cycle indicates that we will do the deed. It's a a little like waiting until the stars tell us that this is the moment and then Whammo1 here we come.

Georgina

I am having this problem, too. There are certainly other R issues that I am working on with the help of MB which has given me lots of insight. My H does not want to share what I am learning, here, he being the classic "reluctant spouse"

Having said that, I feel overwhelming sadness that this part of my life may be over. He has repeatedly said: NO. I am not interested, I do not feel sexual, etc. Over a period of a 34 year marriage, we have had what we both considered a damn fine time with sex in our marriage. I always felt lucky about this.

I am not giving up. I am slowly, very slowly trying to woo him and trying to have him accept (maybe be able to give, too.) physical affection from me. I love him; I can't give up. It's been over 6 months with no SF, but last night he even snuggled me voluntarily before falling into a snore. I went to sleep happier than in a long while, and hopful for posibilities...

I have been angry about this, very hurt & trying not to let resenment build. My H does not want to discuss this. Yes, there have been health issues, and we have had successful help from a MD some time ago, but it is more than just a physical thing.

Involuntary celebacy is not the way I want to live out my life.

I would really like to hear from spouses who have cut off their partners from SF for whatever reason. I would like to know why you do it, how you feel & think about it, and
what your partner's reactions may have been. What are your expectaions of the involuntary celebate spouse? Is there anything your spouse can do to change the situation? I will not judge you, I just want to know more about it.