2 weeks ago my wife came to me and said she was unhappy and wanted to be out of the marriage. We have to girls 5 and 2 and have been married for 8 years. I went into a frenzy of helping to express here feelings and propably made the situation worse by bringing up all the reasons why she might be thinking the way she is. A few days latter she said that the things I had said made her that much more sure of her feelings. I went into complete anxiety overload in an attempt to resolve the situation making matters whorse. Sat. she said she didn't love me any more and wanted it to end. At that point I brought the people closest to her in on the matter to help us deal with her by pointing out that the children wuold be the big looser's and propably scared for life for mommy to tell daddy to leave. Before reading this great rescource I looked at all the love units I have taken for the relationship, I have not been supportive of her and I have been selfish over the years. But she to has been guilty of taking love units also. she is very stubborn and cold and unwilling to show any affection to me she has hurt me as much as I have hurt her. Our sex life has allways been a weak spot in our relationship and I am very sexual. I have mentioned to her that dad needs love to when I see her spend the entire day running and doing trivial things in an attempt to avoid me. Over the years she has put the kids as wall between us. This has caused me to seek various forms of escape to help fill the empty void in our lives such as going fishing in the summer or just hanging out in the basement because she just ignores my emotional needs. Now I admit that Ihave been unkind to her over the years and in my attept to justify blamed it on her for her neglect of me. I have been through the most emotion 2 weeks of my life and have relived every moment of my life to understand why I am such a miserable person to be so mean to her.Having done such gut wrenching discovery I am aware of the person I've been and the person I can be so I have asked God to take over and help me be more loving and supportive. She see's this but I think she just wants to punnish me and at this point is unwilling to make any effort to begin to work together to help make the marraige strong and more loving. She is very focused on work right now and works wi th all guys so the idea of infidelity has entered my mind which makes my anxiety all the worse,. I have asked her if someone else has entered her life and she says firmly no but, she has lied before about money and other secrets. I try to ask her to at least begin to work to repair the damage and she'll so yes over the phone from work but, later at home she just avoids the subject and holds onto the pain and her pride I know that I must give her more space to deal with all this but while show that I've learned my lesson and have asked her forgiveness she wants to hold on to her pride and live with the fantasy that she can have me move on and she with all her problems can start new and raise happy well adjusted girls that will not have lifelong emotional problems when mommy tells them that she does'nt love daddy any more and he has to leave. I have very loving to her even while she continues to hurt me. I know that it can't be repaired overnight but I should I handle the constant anxiety I am dealing with. <br>

In my opinion, the two of you should definitely seek professional counselling. While you may find some sort of solace in coming to these boards, we are unable to really tackle the problems you are having. <p>It sounds to me like your wife is very distant. Was she always distant? Or is there the possibility that it was you who was distant in the earlier stages of your relationship? (My point is that there is a reason she is feeling distant from you.) You say you were selfish and that you didn't support her. <p>For her to be able to find her love for you again, you have to free her anxiety over these problems. You have to prove to her that you will think of her needs, and try to fulfill them. You also have to prove to her that you will support her in whatever ways you have been lacking.<p>This woman needs to feel that you truly care for her as much as you care for yourself.<p>She needs to connect with you emotionally. She probably doesn't want to walk away from the marriage as much as she is leading you to believe. She is obviously very hurt about the whole situation, and is pulling away from you and trying to distance herself from the hurtful relationship the two of you had.<p>I'm sure she feels the same way as you: she doesn't want to hurt you either, and would probably much prefer to be able to be loving and supportive of you as well.<p>It sounds to me like the two of you really need to communicate your feelings to one another.<p>Right now she seems very adamant and distant. She needs to break free from that so that you can talk.<p>She may have to do this on her own, but something I might suggest for you to do to speed things up would be to say:<p>"I love you so much. I've made a lot of mistakes. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think that you have *reason* to feel the way you do. I know I have been very selfish. I know I haven't been supportive. I hate myself for those things. I am going to change those things, because they are not things I want to be. I love you, and I want to make you happy. I understand why you're hurting - I've given you plenty of reason. But please, don't give up on me. For the girls' sake if nothing else. Please don't give up. I love you so much, and I am going to devote myself to you feeling the love that I have for you. I will support you. I will think of you. I will fulfill your needs. Just give me a chance. I love you."<p>I don't know - something like that, but in your own words.<p>The main thing is to let her know that you DON'T BLAME HER. Make sure you make her feelings valid in your eyes. Tell her how much you're willing to try at things. Apologize, and then show her the changes.<p>I hope this helped!<p>Good luck to you! You're in my prayers!

In my opinion, the two of you should definitely seek professional counselling. While you may find some sort of solace in coming to these boards, we are unable to really tackle the problems you are having. <p>It sounds to me like your wife is very distant. Was she always distant? Or is there the possibility that it was you who was distant in the earlier stages of your relationship? (My point is that there is a reason she is feeling distant from you.) You say you were selfish and that you didn't support her. <p>For her to be able to find her love for you again, you have to free her anxiety over these problems. You have to prove to her that you will think of her needs, and try to fulfill them. You also have to prove to her that you will support her in whatever ways you have been lacking.<p>This woman needs to feel that you truly care for her as much as you care for yourself.<p>She needs to connect with you emotionally. She probably doesn't want to walk away from the marriage as much as she is leading you to believe. She is obviously very hurt about the whole situation, and is pulling away from you and trying to distance herself from the hurtful relationship the two of you had.<p>I'm sure she feels the same way as you: she doesn't want to hurt you either, and would probably much prefer to be able to be loving and supportive of you as well.<p>It sounds to me like the two of you really need to communicate your feelings to one another.<p>Right now she seems very adamant and distant. She needs to break free from that so that you can talk.<p>She may have to do this on her own, but something I might suggest for you to do to speed things up would be to say:<p>"I love you so much. I've made a lot of mistakes. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think that you have *reason* to feel the way you do. I know I have been very selfish. I know I haven't been supportive. I hate myself for those things. I am going to change those things, because they are not things I want to be. I love you, and I want to make you happy. I understand why you're hurting - I've given you plenty of reason. But please, don't give up on me. For the girls' sake if nothing else. Please don't give up. I love you so much, and I am going to devote myself to you feeling the love that I have for you. I will support you. I will think of you. I will fulfill your needs. Just give me a chance. I love you."<p>I don't know - something like that, but in your own words.<p>The main thing is to let her know that you DON'T BLAME HER. Make sure you make her feelings valid in your eyes. Tell her how much you're willing to try at things. Apologize, and then show her the changes.<p>I hope this helped!<p>Good luck to you! You're in my prayers!

To Skarley, Thank you for your thoughts. God has told me the same and I began in recent days to be more loving and not conflict with her and her thoughts. I am of the opinion now that most of the problems are due to my lack of finacial support and my lackluster attempt to provide more security for her. We argue about money and how she spends it then I go fishing or serve some other selfish need. I have made a new committment to working harder playing much less to hopefully bring more money home but more importantly show her that I am totally committed to her security.

To Skarley, Thank you for your thoughts. God has told me the same and I began in recent days to be more loving and not conflict with her and her thoughts. I am of the opinion now that most of the problems are due to my lack of finacial support and my lackluster attempt to provide more security for her. We argue about money and how she spends it then I go fishing or serve some other selfish need. I have made a new committment to working harder playing much less to hopefully bring more money home but more importantly show her that I am totally committed to her security.

To Skarley, Thank you for your thoughts. God has told me the same and I began in recent days to be more loving and not conflict with her and her thoughts. I am of the opinion now that most of the problems are due to my lack of finacial support and my lackluster attempt to provide more security for her. We argue about money and how she spends it then I go fishing or serve some other selfish need. I have made a new committment to working harder playing much less to hopefully bring more money home but more importantly show her that I am totally committed to her security.

To Skarley, Thank you for your thoughts. God has told me the same and I began in recent days to be more loving and not conflict with her and her thoughts. I am of the opinion now that most of the problems are due to my lack of finacial support and my lackluster attempt to provide more security for her. We argue about money and how she spends it then I go fishing or serve some other selfish need. I have made a new committment to working harder playing much less to hopefully bring more money home but more importantly show her that I am totally committed to her security.

trying:<p>That's great that you are trying. It's wonderful to pray to God to find the answers within your deeper self. <p>I just have one thing I wanted to tell you. I've been doing a lot of reading about men and women, and the ways in which we are different - for some reason, a man feels that a woman needs his financial support more than anything else. This is simply not true.<p>Of course it will help her if she sees you sacrificing things so that she can have things - but there always has to be a compromise (you can't give up everything for her.) You must both give up things for each other so that you have a balanced relationship where both of you are fulfilled.<p>I'm hearing you saying that financial security may make her happy. And while this may be true (I don't know very much about the two of you), it may not be the only thing she needs.<p>Often, a woman needs affection and gestures of love to feel loved. She needs hugs and kisses, and for you to tell her she's beautiful, and how much you love her. She needs you to do the dishes once in a while, and to help with the children. She needs her back rubbed, and she needs to be held in bed without it leading to sex. She needs you to hold her hand, and to take her out on a date - where you open her door, and treat her like a queen. <p>All of this is sort of like pampering. But you will benefit from this. She will appreciate you for it, and open herself up to loving you more and trusting you.<p>This is what you want, right?<p>Well...let me know how it goes.<p>Good luck to you!

TO SKARLIE, i HAVE BEEN DOING ALL OF THES THINGS, VERY LOVING SHE SAID IM OVER DOING IT AND ACTING LIKE A WUSE. SHE HAS AGREEED TO COUNCILING LAST NIGHT. MY BIG PROBLEM IS THAT SHE WONT WEAR HER RING ANYMORE AND SAYS IT GETS DIRTY AT WORK THIS FREAKS ME OUT SO MUCH THAT IM THINKING SHE IS HAVING AN AFAIR ALTHOUGH SHE HAS NEVER LISTED SEX AS A TOP PRIORITY, BELIEVE ME.

Hello again.<p>I don't understand why she says her ring gets dirty. That is a lame excuse, and it must be making you feel terribly.<p>If you have been doing your best to make her feel loved and she is just pulling away and mocking you for it, then SHE is the one with the problem. <p>Keep doing your best for the sake of the marriage and for your girls. <p>It's great that you're going to get counselling because you'll find out where her head is really at.<p>I wish you the best of luck!<p>Stay strong.

Trying -<p>You sound like me. I have two kids, 5 and 2, and my wife told me she's "unhappy and wants out" just before Christmas. <p>We did go to a counselor, but we couldn't afford more than three visits so we didn't get much out of it, other than some understanding about my own personal problems.<p>If you are like me, your tendency _is_ to overdo it - to constantly fret about whether you're pleasing her, making her happy, doing enough "stuff" to win her favor. If your wife is like mine, she doesn't want to be married to a doormat who will scurry and hop to her every finger snap. My counselor pointed out that this is my only known way to relate to a woman; to try to win her favor in an attempt to keep her love. <p>I offer three things to ponder:<p>1) You are not responsible for her happiness.<p>2) You are not responsible for her unhappiness.<p>3) You are not responsible for her love.<p>Love is a verb, and happiness is her choice. She chooses whether or not to be happy, as do we all. We must also make the effort to love, because it isn't a feeling (feelings change from minute to minute), it is an action.<p>To be loving in a "non-wuss" way requires attention to your motivation. Are you motivated to do nice things or act kind and sweet because of fear of losing her and the kids? That's a sure way to push her away. Because buried deep beneath your actions are the undertones of fear, resentment and self-disrespect, and they definitely show up in the "love" you give.<p>I'm still in my soul-searching mode right now, and I still have the tendency to absorb all of the negative things my wife says, and be very hurt, and beat myself up at the same time. This makes me a very poor lover.<p>So take care of yourself. Examine your motivations and your reasons for choosing the actions and the feelings you do, and see whether or not you can pick yourself up.<p>I definitely recommend counseling.<p>-Tom