PLEASE HELP!<p>I was married for 18 years to a very religeous, wonderful man. The last 1 year of the 18 he TOTALLY CHANGED. He withdrew, began drinking, talked abusively, talked of wanting to get out, abrubt and cold with his children. He moved out and left us. He gave us no financial support and I had to put our home up for sale because I could not make the payments on my own. He adamantly denied an affair. I later found out that he was having an affair. This was the most devistating thing I have ever lived through. However, I told him I would forgive him and he seemed grateful and said he wanted the marriage saved. However, later I found he was still seeing her, still drinking and still lying to me. I could not take the pain and filed for divorce. I left our home town and moved about 1000 miles from him. He still called and stated he loved me, still wanted the marriage and would do anything. I would tell him what I expected to change and this never happend. He started seeing someone else. I finally gave up on it all and got on with my life. After being divorced 18 months, I married again. I have been married just over one year. This man is very good for me emotionally and he is a good person. I think I fell in love with the way he made me feel, but I am not sure I really love him. We have 5 children between us (three of mine and two of his) and things are disasterous there. We have many other problems between us also. We had only known each other a few months before we married (which might have been a great big mistake.) He has many problems that I was not aware of and we are struggling.<p>My biggest problem, however, is this: I still love my ex. I have always loved him, never stopped loving him, always wanted him back, even with all the hurt and pain he has caused. He has never given up calling me, asking me to marry him again, telling me he never wanted this divorce. I wanted to see his ACTIONS change before I would even talk about reconliation and they never did. However, over the last 6 months he seems to have become a new person. My children have noticed it also. His actions have changed. He has met all the things I had asked of him. He tells me he wants me happy and has stopped the childish behavior. He truly seems like the man I married in the first place. He states he will wait forever and will never be or want anyone else. <p>The truth of the matter is.......I want him back more than anything. I always did.....I just had given up hope of his ever changing. Now that it seems he has, I don't know what to do. Can I live with a man that I don't truly love....is that fair to him or me? Do I trust this one who betrayed me?? I have no problem with forgiveness, but the TRUST issue is another story. Would it every work?? Where would I even begin? <p>Me ex has lied SOOOOOOOOOO much to me before, I have heard all the same things a million times. However, for some reason, this one seems sincere. He had been diagnosed with some mental problems (I am not sure if these were real or not), his mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness and died during the time of the affair, he lost two jobs and just had enourmous stress. He feels all this contributed to his behavior. I am sure this is true. His behavior was just SOO unlike him. It is as if he just LOST HIS MIND for 3 years. Or is this just what I want to believe. Am I crazy to even think about reconciling. Why, after all this time and a new man in my life, can I NOT get him out of my mind. I dream of him, I think of him non-stop and I have ever since I left almost 3 years ago. Does this mean we have TRUE UNDYING LOVE or am I just CRAZY???<p>HELP ME!!! Confused!

Sounds like my life all over. I can't believe someone else has gone thru what I have! My ex and I also married for 10 years. Divorced due to drinking, infidelity, lies, etc., on his part. He changed 100% like your husband. After a year of living this way; I got out with my kids. My life (like yours) was on hold for so long and I decided to remarry also. My second marriage is in its 7th year. I have experienced the same feelings as you - most people on this post advised me to STAY AWAY from the ex - but I know some of the things you are feeling and hope I can help. <p>I too, still love my ex and always will. Like your ex, he too, has been back to himself just over the past 2-3 years. But, like you, I am remarried and have committed to building my life with my husband/family. I just think that having children keeps the ties of love (emotionally) - and there's really nothing to change that. You probably do love your husband (current) but long for that "initial family" as I do and did. Its natural I think (though most here won't agree) - and you probably have figured out as well as I that its EASIER to work things out (when kids are involved) with their dad as opposed to with a stepdad. Especially, and I say "especially" when they come out of that wierd perod they went thru and are back to themselves. Its happened to me too - just liike you (actually I'm glad to hear someone else with these feelings). Me and my ex are very close and have developed a close friendship that I hope to keep. I try every day (thought, prayer) to help keep apart the feelings I have for an "original family" and hoping to get it back versus the love I truly do feel for my current spouse. I know I will probably get blasted for this (from some here) - but I truly do love both of them in very different ways. I think that the "love" I still and will always have for my ex could partly be true love, the bond of the children, and a desire for him to remain healthy and in contact with us to maintain a relationship with the children (which he does). It is harder when you see them - I just have to try really hard to remember to keep my feelings on a friendship level. Yeah, it would be wonderful to be back in that original life. But, like you, what about all the What Ifs? What if he changes again? What if he lies? Cheats? What if he goes into a crazy mode again? For me, its not worth risking the love I have now with a man who loves us and takes care of all of us. (he too, is friends with my ex - now). My children ask a lot why we can't get back together. I remain honest with them that we will always be close with him and they can see him whenever they want and that he is welcome (and does this now) in our home. Its gotten to where when the kids are sick, he stops by on way home from work to see them, etc. I have to have that for them and I'm sure its why the feelings of "what if" always exist. <br>You probably see that in remarriage, there are problems also (such as stepkids, etc) which makes it easier to say - hey, lets just go back to where we were - but I know how you feel. I did that too. Actually in the 7 years of divorce, with each year, it gets easier to be more of a friend with my ex and I love my husband of now more deeply. I think it just takes time to heal the wounds. I know this wasn't of much help except to hear that someone else "is there" - I just can't guide you as to what to do. IF (aren't there always IFs) I could go back now without hurting anyone (husband) and putting kids thru another divorce, and guaranteeing it was like the first 9 years of marriage and if I trusted that it would never happen - I would be there!!!!! But, I cannot see that any of that is a positive right now. Therefore, I go day to day, trying to love him, love my ex and be a friend to him, love the children and let life run its course. If God didn't want me to be here - he would guide me elsewhere. I wish you much luck and please update me!