My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years, and have been living together for 4 1/2 years. I am 25 and he is 33. We have a very loving marraige, but our sex life is nonexistent. Before we were married our sex life was crazy. I can honestly say we had sex every day for months at a time. He asks me every night and I tell him I'm too tired. I just cannot get in the mood very often. He thinks his performance is bad. Believe me, it's not! I just cannot get myself to enjoy it as much as he does. I know I am not satisfying his needs, but how do I force myself? Also, he says we don't go out anymore and do things, but he also complains about spending extra money. Someone please help me. I am not ready to let this marraige end.<p>[This message has been edited by staceym (edited 02-03-99).]<p>[This message has been edited by staceym (edited 02-03-99).]

Stacy M,<p> Are YOUR emotional needs being met? Could this be the reason why you "can't get in the mood"? or is there some other "problem"?<p> If your needs are not being met, you will have a hard time responding to your H's needs for sex (among other things.) I think BOTH of you reading "His Needs, Her Needs" will give you a better understanding of how meeting each other's needs affects your relationship. I would suggest you read the book - cover-to-cover - it's not that long BEFORE you try to take the surveys. (Otherwise, he's likely to misunderstand the reason and object.)<p> The surveys will give you a better feel for what each other's, and your own, needs are, and better understand why you each fel the way you do.<p> On the other hand, if your H is meeting all of your emotional needs, I think the book suggests that you make a point of having sex with your H often. The idea being that this frequent sex will increase your desire - while reducing his. (wierd, ain't it?)I don't even know if having all your needs met was a criteria for you meeting his. (come to think of it, it wasn't.) Somebody has to be the first to get into the "intimacy" or "giver" mode. You may be that somebody.<p><br> On a whole 'nother tack. Is there a special reason why you don't enjoy it? Does he put effort to pleasing YOU? Is he considerate about it? Think of why it is that you don't enjoy it and see if you can figure out what might be causing it.<p>Val<br>(The Husband)

I guess I can ultimately say that there are a few emotional needs of mine that are not being met. But I feel those are normal things that most husbands lack. <p>In the last week, we have had sex 4 times in 6 days. The desire was there and I enjoyed every minute of it, but how can I keep up the pace? I may have started off too heavy, and when the frequency decreases, will he get angry again? My husband doesn't seem to be happy unless it's every night. I really don't want to have sex that often. <p>I have tried to explain to my husband that women are different than men sexually, and we don't have an orgasm as often. When I don't, he thinks it's because of him. <p>Help me out, anyone?

I'm somewhat in your husband's shoes and may understand to some degree how he feels. I have to wonder if you could create a situation where you are true in your feelings and go "totally" overboard with completely awesome sex. If so, would he want it the following night? In other words, for me when the sex is just so-so I feel short changed and don't feel my emotional needs were met and find myself wanting it more. Other things to consider are whether you could sometimes suggest other things sexually other than making love or don't even suggest it just try and keep the foreplay going farther than he expected. The spontaneity of that for him could be more exciting than his end goal (which it should not even be a goal but for him could be). Also, I wonder if he's trying to meet other needs through sex. I also wonder if he is of the obssessive compulsive type in his personality (about everything).

My w and I are a simular situation. I want sex every 2 or 3 days. She onlys want it every few weeks, if that much. <P>So, I wrote down the fewest times per week I could be happy with. She wrote down the most. We both wrote 1. <P>Problem Solved!<P>Except, without the sex I needed more non-sexual affection. Guess what? So did she. Without affection always resulting in my arosal, she wanted more of it. <P>Problem Solved!<P>Sure I stay aroused anyway, but I just cudle and bear it.