Suddenly, my husband of 3 years has brought up marraige-ending issues to me. When he told me, I was completely surprised. I over reacted and asked him if he wanted to leave me now. He said no, but things are definately not going well. Now, after one day, I feel uncomfortable around him. The man I have been dedicated to and felt was my soul mate for 4 years now seems like a stranger in one day. He says all we need to do is work on things a little, but for him to suddenly act this way (like never before) leads me to believe it's much more serious. I cannot allow the marraige to end. We have too much together. We've built a house in the past year, and finally established ourselves financially (as established as we could be). He says he thinks he may just be going through a mid-life crisis, but at 33, I doubt that. He has mentioned 3 or 4 other things that are on his mind that I have nothing to do with, like his parents and his job. Please help me figure out what to do.

Hang in there Stacy:<br>I really feel for you as you're going through what I can imagine is an "unbelievable" time.<br>I'm concerned that you have a support system close by so that you will not be all alone at this time. As far as your husband is concerned, I'm left to think that if he's willing, counselling is the key to bring about some sort of disclousre & healing.. If you'd like to write I'm at joyross@concentric.net & my icq is 5365977<br>Will look for you!

Hang in there Stacy:<br>I really feel for you as you're going through what I can imagine is an "unbelievable" time.<br>I'm concerned that you have a support system close by so that you will not be all alone at this time. As far as your husband is concerned, I'm left to think that if he's willing, counselling is the key to bring about some sort of disclousre & healing.. If you'd like to write I'm at joyross@concentric.net & my icq is 5365977<br>Will look for you!

Dear Stacy,<br>I wish you would elaborate a little on exactly HOW his behavior has changed. It sounds like something major is happening. My husband changed ALOT when he was involved in affair ~ I certainly hope that is not what's happening in your marriage.<br>Also, some of us just keep all the things that bother us about our spouses bottled up inside, because we don't want to rock the boat, hurt the other person, or admit that we have a less-than-perfect marriage. Perhaps this is the case with your husband, and he has finally reached a level where he's got to let it all out and get some things resolved.<br>Good luck to you both.

The ways in which he acts differently are difficult for anyone else to understand. He seems withdrawn, and when I ask him what is wrong, he says he's just tired. He seems very irritated by even the slightest thing. He is one of the most relaxed and laid back people I've ever met. Nothing upsets him. Now, he seems more snotty and oblivious to things. Like I said, he's withdrawn. <p>He has been working a lot of overtime at his job lately. I thought he was burnt out. I asked him about it, and he says maybe. He asked if I wanted to get counseling. I said no because I thought our relationship was great. Then he said maybe he needs the counseling. He said to me that he wants everything to work out, and that he loves me. That is the hope that I am hanging onto right now. We have agreed that we don't get out enough. So this weekend we planned a nice evening together with a few friends. I am really looking forward to it. I just want things to return to how they were. We've always been very close, and I'm counting on that closeness to return again.<p>[This message has been edited by staceym (edited 02-04-99).]

Dear Staceym:<p>I pray that what I have to say here is ALL WRONG. However, in my case it was all right and I wish I would have listened. Are you sure he is not having an affair? You really need to look long and hard at this, even if he is denying it. <p>My husband cheated for an entire year. Everyone told me he was cheating, but I refused to believe. He cried tears and adamantly denied an affair, to EVERYONE!! Friends, family, kids, everyone. <p>All I can tell you is that the things you describe are such HIGHLY CLASSIC SIGNS!!! If you visit with those who have been cheated on, almost all the signs are identical. The withdrawal, the long hours at work, questioning his love for you, being irritable and snapping at you. They usually withdraw, and there is a pulling away from all they he used to love, a distance that you just feel so strong.<p>Like I said, I pray that I am wrong. But look at this closely and investigate it yourself. His signs are SOOOOO CLASSIC!<p>My other advice would be..... Don't hang around and cry of how much you need him (even if you feel that way) this will only make him feel more trapped and drive him further away. The best thing you can do is have respect for yourself and your children (if you have any) and let him go (even if you want him to stay more than anything). You will feel like you are dying but tell him to go and figure out what he wants, don't beg. If he truly does want you, he'll be back. If he does not, you don't want to keep him RIGHT?<p>Again, If you want him back, you can't beg, you have to let him go, even insist that he go. If you cripple and beg, he will lose respect for you and you will lose him for good!<p>Aubrey

Aubrey...I am trying to keep an open mind about this situation. I talked with a few other people close to me, and they seem to think he is suffering from a classic case of depression. He says things that contradict one another. He'll say he wants to go out and do more, but then he'll say we should save the money instead. He'll say he wants to change the monotany of everyday life, but then he'll say he'd rather watch tv like we always do. <br>One thing I wanted to point out, he has never denied that he loves me. He tells me he loves me every day. I don't feel like he's just saying it either. I can tell when he's being oblivious and not. <br>This past weekend we went out, had a great time, and came home and had the most romantic time together we've ever had. It seemed like we felt more close than we ever had been...even in the beginning of our relationship. <br>Personally, I feel much better about things. Yesterday everything seemed like we were back to normal. <br>You probably feel like I am in complete denial about the problems we may have, but I know my husband and him ways. I believe I am right about this one.

I hope will all my heart you are right. It is such a confusing time and I know what a mess you can become. My husband made love to me, but 5 min. later could be with her on the phone or in her bed. He never denied he loved me. I was married for nearly 20 years........so needless to say, I knew him better than anyone. He had never done anything like this before, had always been a good man, good husband and father. Never showed any signs of disloyalty, etc. It just happened overnight (or seemed like it). <p>However, depression can be a very devistating thing in and of itself. I have also experienced this first hand. In either case, you both need help. It sounds like things are getting better and I pray that you will reconcile. I believe in marriage. Divorce is a terrible thing. It destroys you! If you can hold it together, DO IT! But, like I said before, do not become a begger. Marriage takes two, equally trying, and he is as responsible for making it work as you are. When this balance becomes unequal, someone suffers. Usually the one trying the hardest to keep it together has the LEAST control. Don't get into this situation of begging him to love and stay with you (even if you feel that way) I promise you it will only get worse. Respect yourself and your needs. BOTH partners have to want to make it work!! <p>Good luck and best wishes. My heartfelt sympathy and support are with you. It is tough!<br>Aubrey<br>

Stacy M,<p>Maybe I'm "under-reacting", but it sounds to me like you have a "golden opportunity" on your hands, not a disaster. You say your husband brought up some issues, wants to work them out, and doesn't want to leave you? That sounds like a GOOD thing! (A "bad" thing would be if he waited until he was so PO'ed that he was ready to walk out!)<p> No matter how good your marriage is/was, you should always be willing - even eager - to work to make it better.<p> Talk with him about the issues. Discuss them rationally and lovingly. Make sure you bring up any issues or needs you may want addressed. If you don't already have it, get "His Needs, Her Needs". I'll bet his "issues" are addressed in the book. <p> Rejoice! There's a dialog going. Use it and forge a bullet-proof marriage!<p>Val<br>(The Husband)

V,<br>You are excatly right. What you have suggested is exactly what I'm doing. I have taken this as a way of bringing to the surface all of the small "insecurities" I may have, as well as my husband. We talked for a long time about things. The conversation never got above a normal tone of voice. He voiced concerns he has and I voiced concerns I have. Just as you've said, I feel this is a way to strengthen our marriage. After talking, we went out and had a great time together for the first time in a long time. And we were more intimate than I can ever remember. For the first time in at least a year, we enjoyed spending every minute together. The monotany of our usual lives was interrupted for at least a night. We truly felt like we were dating again. And this Saturday night for Valentine's Day we've planned a wonderful, romantic night together. I can feel things getting better and better with every day that goes by. Thank you for your response to my entry.<p>[This message has been edited by staceym (edited 02-09-99).]

Stacey, you should get down on your knees and thank God that your husband is willing to seek counseling. I would sell my soul to have my husband go with me for counseling, but he won't.<p>Whether your husband is having an affair is probably something you shouldn't concern yourself with at this point...if there are good things going on and he's willing to get counseling, let him get it. Offer to go with him. <p>Continue to work on your relationship. If it does turn out that he's having an affair, it will come out sooner or later and you'll deal with it then.<p>One thing about these boards (and I'm as guilty as anyone) is that everyone brings his/her own baggage to the table and interprets your situation based on his/her own experience. This may or may not be relevant to yours.<p>Take one step at a time. Good luck to you.

Dazed & Confused,<p>I agree with you on what you said about these message boards. Everyone always seems to suspect the very worst (except for V). At first, I did overreact and suspect the worst, but when my husband reassured me that our relationship was fine, we just needed a little boost on some things, I felt much better. <br>I know I've been repeating this, but everything seems back to normal. We are more intimate now than we've ever been, we cuddled and held hands for 2 hours on the couch last night, and my husband has told me he loves me every day since all of this started (as have I). It's almost like he's reassuring me that we are fine and will only get better from this point forward.<br>Thanks for your entry.<br>staceym

stacym,<p>Obviously you were not going to give up until you had some answers from your H. You are so lucky that he came to you with the "problem". My H didn't, now it's too late. At least in his eyes. He's stopped caring, he's stopped loving me and does not want to return to our home/family. It's been 6 weeks now. We also share 2 boys, ages 4 & 6. <p>Can you pat your husband on the back for me and tell him what a good man he is for speaking up. I totally commend him for his courage. I'm sure it wasn't an easy thing for him to come to you with. He risked losing you too. I am so happy things are working out for you.....I only wish it for me now too!