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Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 1,637
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My husband's recent but diminishing-in-importance friendship with a former co-worker (female), which may or may not have involved an affair at some point, has underscored some major communication problems in our relationship.<p>I have felt very threatened by this woman's presence in his life, and all my attempts to discuss it have been met by "You don't trust me." Of course, those magic words are often used by cheaters, so it doesn't exactly reassure me. <p>We have had argument after argument about this, and he just hasn't been willing to understand why the relationship makes me uncomfortable (his secretiveness about it for months, the woman's unwillingness to acknowledge my existence...when she calls and I answer, she just identifies herself and asks for him; doesn't even say hello). If he had made an effort to understand, or ask "What can I do to make the situation not threatening to you", there would be no problem.<p>But what happens is when it comes up, he just gets angry at me for "not trusting him after all these years", and doesn't want to hear my concerns. He tells me that if I don't trust him, I should re-evaluate whether I want to be in the relationship. By this time, he's angry. I have problems with anyone being angry at me, so I start to cry. He hates it when I cry, so he gets angrier. I feel even more threatened by his anger, and usually one of us starts putting shoes and coats to walk out because he can't discuss, and I can't handle anger, and both of us react with a "flight" reaction. It usually ends up with me admitting fault and begging to be forgiven for whatever he perceives to be the transgression...I do this just to end the conflict, because there's no getting through to him...yet the problem remains.<p>It's eating me up alive that I can't get through to him.<p>He will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER consent to seek counseling. He went years ago during a depression, and as soon as he felt better from the medication, he stopped going. I am willing to seek help for myself, but I'm more than a bit bummed because I was in therapy for 2-1/2 years many years ago and thought I had many of these issues licked...but apparently I didn't...should I even bother hashing them out again? I know where my issues come from, I just don't know what to do about them in this situation. <p>I'm sitting right now on a lot of repressed anger at him for not making any effort to understand me, and at myself for not being able to fight the knee-jerk reactions and TRY to get through to him. So of course, it's manifesting as depression.<p>

Joined: Dec 1969
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A brief thought to ponder (hope it helps): <br>Sometimes the best way to attach a problem or issue is not the obvious front door, head on approach, but more through the back door? To summarize, I think you feel that your husband doesn't hear and understand your feelings, and doesn't understand their validity. Also, it sound like he is rather defensive about this "friendship" with this women. Now, one way of looking at this is that arguing about the women and his friendship puts her in the spotlight, and also aggravates the feelings that make you unhappy. <br>Instead of this approach, maybe it would be more productive to work on the positive. In other words, work on improving the quality of time and rapport that you spend with your husband. Have you read and used any of the questionaires from "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley? Do you and your husband spend the amount of quality time together that Dr. Harley recommends as a minimum? What activity do you do together each week just focussed on the two of you; building good memories together and developing rapport? I think that might be the most productive approach in the long run- the healthier you feel about your relationship with your husband, the less important this other friendship will seem- and will be. Good luck.

Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 40
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Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 40
A brief thought to ponder (hope it helps): <br>Sometimes the best way to attach a problem or issue is not the obvious front door, head on approach, but more through the back door? To summarize, I think you feel that your husband doesn't hear and understand your feelings, and doesn't understand their validity. Also, it sound like he is rather defensive about this "friendship" with this women. Now, one way of looking at this is that arguing about the women and his friendship puts her in the spotlight, and also aggravates the feelings that make you unhappy. <br>Instead of this approach, maybe it would be more productive to work on the positive. In other words, work on improving the quality of time and rapport that you spend with your husband. Have you read and used any of the questionaires from "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley? Do you and your husband spend the amount of quality time together that Dr. Harley recommends as a minimum? What activity do you do together each week just focussed on the two of you; building good memories together and developing rapport? I think that might be the most productive approach in the long run- the healthier you feel about your relationship with your husband, the less important this other friendship will seem- and will be. Good luck.

Joined: Jan 1999
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Well, until our most recent explosion on Sunday, we were spending a fair amount of good time together. Sunday's blowup was triggered by this: He had lost his wedding ring a while back. Earlier in the year, he had started taking it off to play his guitar and when he had to work with computer hardware. He lost the ring. Because this coincided with my infidelity concerns, it bothered me a lot....but I didn't say anything.<p>Around Christmas, I asked him: If I bought him a new ring, would he wear it. I said that if he didn't want to wear one, it was OK, but if he wanted it replaced, I'd buy him a new one. He said sure, let's buy one. 2 weeks ago we bought the new ring, I picked it up on Saturday, and it's still too big. It fell off him in the shower and he hasn't worn it since. He feels that my being unhappy about him not wearing it is another manifestation of "lack of trust", but it's really a concern I have about his feelings about being married; that perhaps he's sending me a message about feeling "trapped" in the marriage. Obviously, I don't want to push the issue. Plenty of men don't wear rings; but he wore his for a long time without a problem.<p>It's a question that I can't get an answer to without an argument.<p>He regards all my concerns as "trust" questions. Perhaps he feels trapped and restless and doesn't even know it.<p>We also have control issues...for years I made a lot more than he did, and I pretty much ran everything. When he got his current job and we finally had income parity is really when I started feeling threatened by everything -- like, now that he makes enough money to live on, he doesn't need me any more, and all my self-esteem issues kicked in. I'm perfectly willing to admit this, because it's true.<p>He doesn't understand any of this. <p>I'm at a point now where I don't trust any of my own perceptions. I know that I'm bringing a ton of baggage to the table, baggage that I thought I'd licked a long time ago. It's frustrating to me that I have to deal with all these self-esteem issues again years later. He can't understand that they're about ME, not HIM.<p>I had thought of writing a letter to enclose with his Valentine's Day card, explaining some of these things, indicating my commitment to work on them again if I have to (should I tell him I want to seek counseling when I know he thinks it's worthless?), my commitment to try and lose some weight because it's an issue to ME, and let him know how much he means to me -- in an attempt to open up some lines of communication?<p>The wedding ring thing still bothers me, but I've decided to let it go and let HIM decide if he wants to have the ring sized. Nagging him will not help. Perhaps what I need to do is somehow get through to him and try to get him to open up to me as well, because I suspect he's hiding a lot of feelings as well.<p>I do believe he's committed to the marriage, or he would have walked out last summer to be with this other woman. On Sunday he called us a team -- a concept I use often. We've had some rough times in recent years, but if he's willing to let go of some inconsiderate things I've done, I think we can move on. But right now it seems I have to make all the effort and do all the talking, because he's so closed-up by nature, he's not about to do it. Any help would be appreciated.<p><p><p>

Joined: Dec 1969
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It's easy to see why you feel discouraged about the issues you describe- and it probably doesn't feel very fair that you may have to make some extra effort to get the results you ultimately want. We all bring issues and baggage to our relationships; sometimes its painful to accept that we have to deal with those issues largely by ourselves, particularly since it's a very human approach to look to relationships to complement or compensate for our own issues and shortcomings. There are healthy needs all of us have to varying degrees- that's what the Harley's describe in His Needs, Her Needs- but even these vary from man to man, woman to woman. Getting these needs met healthily in a relationship makes us feel better about ourselves, but at the same time a relationship is a bit like a mirror- it reflects back things from time to time that we may not be as enamoured or fond of, or would rather not see at all!<br>Changes in the dynamic of a relationship occur when significant changes in "personal" power occur- this can include income issues, physical attractiveness, health, etc. There are some changes we make to accomadate our mates, but most of them should be driven by our own principles and values, and personal goals. If you decide you want to lose weight and excercise because you know you'll feel better, can enjoy more activities, and your husband will like it, then you have a different level of motivation then if you just put it on his desires. (ps. have you ever tried ballroom dancing? took that up with a gal I was introduced to by mutual friends-(we both wanted to do that, but didn't know people interested) 1 year, 15 lbs on my part, and a lot of fun times later, we're looking at our first Valentine's day together this week).<br>That your husband can refer to you as a team is encouraging- but as a team you have many tasks, including taking care of the mundane things of family life, but also taking care of each other. A lot of us (particularly us men) don't learn that very well; often the message we get growing up is that we valued for what we do and can earn and provide for our families. You gals have to contend more with that whole sex object thing, which must be a real pain in the butt at times, too. Of course, it goes well beyond taking care of each other in the usual roles. A real key is developing true respect and empathy for each other; and making a pact not to hurt or attack your partner, even when you think (or know!) you're right. (Harley calls that avoiding disrespectful judgements). <br>Men seem to be a little more closed up or private by nature, but some of that is picking the time and context to discuss and open up about things. As John Gray (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) points out in his books, there are times we don't understand each other or communicate well because we project our own reactions and motivations onto our parnter- "Well, if he doesn't do this when I do that, he must be feeling this or wanting that"- and often we can be way off the mark. <br>It may mean that you can best facilitate the kind of communication you want by helping to develop some new "routines"- ones which set aside quite, enjoyable recreational time to be together and enjoy activities that you both like, or can alternate sharing. <br>Maybe the suggestion I'm making is that when you look at the concept of trying to improve or change things in the relationship, balance looking at problems and "work" with also improving the "fun" and connectedness.<br>Last, do give Harle's books a try. He is what I would call a "results oriented" approach; in other words, what do you need to do to get to where you want to be, rather than navel gazing at the past. Whatever you try, good luck, and chin up.


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