My husband of 2 years and I are separated as of Friday. We are in our mid 30's. He's my first marriage and I am his 3rd. Our marriage has been severely damaged by outside baggage from previous marriages. IE: Finances are his biggest concern - everything is based on if we were to get a divorce; and last year he left for a couple months and there were infidelities. We are both professionals, and he is very charismatic and charming to everyone (except me now!) But I have recently learned that his 2nd wife had trouble with violence from him. I received the biggest shock during a conversation today. Our arguments had escalated 5-6 times over 2 years to brief violent episodes. (a slap or him grabbing my neck) I kept thinking that he would stop if we could communicate better and he and I thought my distust was pushing us to that point. My question is: He told me tonight that he was concerned about my violent nature and that I am on a pattern of abuse. He created these stories of our previous fights with me being the aggressor in an incident. I know what has happened and I was not the initiator. I know that he completely fabricated a new story for each and is making me out to be the violent person and him the victim, defending himself. I asked why he was saying these lies, and he replied that "denial is the biggest symptom". Please tell me if it's possible that he believes what he is saying. He's so convincing that I would believe him if I hadn't been there. I can't help but hope that there is a way for him to get better. With or without me, I will always care about him. Your suggestions would be appreciated.

i am very concerned about your last post. The denial has nothing to do with anything but maybe if you deny his aggressive tendencies, they are not real. I can hear that you are attached to him, but I cannot make an excuse for a man touching a women in a physically aggressive way.(with intent to hurt). Please be honest with yourself, and do not let his manipulation of the truth get in your way of gettting away from him for good. I know that it is never easy to leave someone we have a connection with.......BUT....this is not healthy, to put it mildly. I would assume that you left some things out, but it is easy to read between the lines...................Please get out of there......while the getting is good. There is never a reason to hurt another person either physically or emotionally. Hope you take care of yourself and remember to be good to yourself. That means do not remain with this man!!!!!!

Hi:<p>Both of you may need Anger Management/Control courses offered by many organizations. My problem was verbal abuse and it's bad enough. My daughters were getting scared. I took the course (by YWCA) and learned alot of things. I no longer have the aggressive (and possibly violent) nature.<br>Yes, it is very possible to hurt another in a rage of anger. The course teaches the higher the anger level and lower the logic level. Good luck. It's really sad to see that we are uanble to love and care for each other. If you have a Bible go to Proverbs 18:22 and read it and yes read it to your husband. He needs God's love in his heart!<p>Gary

Gary,<p>THanks for the advise. I'm so sure in my heart that this anger is just a reaction from some kind of unresolved conflict. I just think that communication and God's power could get us to act like Christian adults. The seminar sounds like a great suggestion. I do have a bible, and read it often. We are going to talk this week, and I'm hoping we can get something started in the rebuilding area. Thanks. KHolt