My husband and I have been married for 1-1/2 years. This is his 4th marriage and my 2nd. I have 3 sons, ages 21, 17 and 14. He has one little princess, age 14. Our problems seem to always stem from my kids. The 17 & 14 year old live with us and his daughter lives with her mom. She does visit our house on a regular basis. (And I might add, she never does anything wrong in his eyes. The fact that she drinks, smokes and sneaks out of her house when her mom's gone is not his problem, she lives with her mom!!!!) <br>My boys are at times disrespectful towards me. When so, I correct them as best I can and this crisis is over. They have never been arrested, they don't drink or do drugs (as far as I know), they aren't "partiers". They hang out with their friends and at home. Just because they do get loud and raise cain, he is always ready to kick them out of the house. I've told him that when my kids leave, I have to go too. He says that's fine, I can go. They have no place else to go. He said yesterday that he is going to send them to a school around here for problem kids.<br>I think the worst part is that he "professes" to be this wonderful, Christian man. <br>I can't talk to him. He is the most selfish, disrespectful person I know. <br>He makes no attempt to have a relationship with my kids. The only time he ever wants to take them somewhere is when it's church or something like that, so he'll be noticed.<br>I work and so does he. When we get home, he sits in his recliner until dinner is ready. He eats and goes back to the chair. My kids are expected to "help" around the house, but he says that "he pays the mortgage, that's all he has to do". How can I get my kids to show any respect to me, when the man I married shows none. I'm ready to say the heck with this whole deal and get out, just like he wants me to do. <br>Thanks.<br>Sandi

Whew, Sandi. I can't stand anything more than the thought of an unhelpful husband. My live-in fiance needs to be reminded to help out at dinnertime, but he does (sometimes). John Gray helped me a lot with that aspect, praise 'em mightily even for the little things and they'll keep helping. Even when your eyes are rolling back in your head over HAVING to praise them for such simple courtesies. <p>We also have kids on both sides from first marriages and know that we're both package deals...kids come with!!<p>I do know that men need to feel respected. When that need is covered, they even glow and are more helpful. Have you read His Needs/Her Needs? Perhaps some of the techniques described would help coax your hubby out of his self-centered withdrawal.<p>It IS tough merging two families. Keep trying! :-)

Sandi, <br>Your situation has got to be very difficult. Please remember that no matter what your kids come first! It also sounds like you are very angry with him. Have you tried to suggest counseling for you and him as well as for the entire family??? <p>Take Care

Sandi,<p>You're in a difficult situation. You're dealing with two separate issues: a husband who doesn't support you, and "unruly" children.<p>I'd like to clarify something that bschmidt said:<p> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Please remember that no matter what your kids come first!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><p>That is a UNHEALTHY view for a marriage. You spouse comes first. Your kids will be "yours" forever, but you should not put the interests of the children above those of your spouse, unless you're interested in divorce.<p>Your marriage sounds like it's suffering from several problems. I suggest that you start marriage counseling, soon. Even by yourself, if he won't go. You have a record of 6 marriages between the two of you: you need to both start dealing with the behaviors that keep bringing you to divorce. <p>The books "LoveBusters", "Give and Take", and "His Needs/Her Needs" all have a lot of information relevant to your situation. I hope that you can order them and read through and understand the concepts: this should help you help yourself to put the marriage back on track.<p>In dealing with children, the Policy of Joint Agreement is a great place to start. It states that you never take any action without a MUTUALLY ENTHUSIASTIC agreement between you and your spouse. There's an explanation on the web site here about it, and it's covered in the Q & A columns in more detail.<p>[This message has been edited by K (edited 02-23-99).]

Sandi,<br>I agree wholeheartedly with the last comment that your spouse should come first in a marriage, but this is to a point that if their needs are not being met, such as if your spouse is verbally and/or physically abusing them, then you need to draw the line. It may also be a good idea to check out information on codependency. CODA has excellent material that may be of help. It sounds like your spouse wants some attention and certainly knows how to get it, probably not the healthiest way. I empathize with you and understand some of his frustrations too. Counseling is a good idea. Good luck and do not give up, Marriage Builders has some excellent material too.

To disagree with both above - I guess my feeling on this is that your spouse and your children should be not placed in order of "who's first" - but should be equal. Love is measured in different ways, (you love your kids differently than you do your husband, mom and dad, etc) - and I know that treating the kids fair is equally important as your husband. You do have teens who have been thru divorce and other things; and I'm sure they are harder to raise than a little child. (I have teens, preteen, and preschooler). Sounds like your husband has quite a chip on his shoulder that he needs knocked off. I would recommend marriage and family counseling - though being divorced and in a remarriage (with my kids from previous marriage) I can understand some of the problems. It took me and my husband and "our" kids a good five years to totally blend and feel comfortable together. My husband (at first) seemed uncaring for my kids, more critical, expected so much. Each year he got better and better as they developed bonds together. Now, 7 years later, they have become 'very" close and have a much better relationship all around. I understand your frustration in this. I too, felt in the beginning years that sometimes I felt like I just needed to take my kids and walk. I tried to get him to counseling with us - but his ego and big man self just didn't think we needed it. Having been thru divorce before - I stuck this thing out. (there was never any abuse on his part towards the kids). I wrote him letters all the time. I left them on the counter for him to read (he wasnt a communicator) and with each letter explaining my feelings, my kids feelings, etc - I could see changes with each day. I always told him that he was now my co-support for my kids and we all needed him. I tried to always keep things positive. Three years ago we had a child together (his first and my third) and wow has that even changed things more. Now he is SO much more understanding of kids altogether. I will say this, if he continued to make me feel that my kids and I weren't important and refused counseling - I would take steps to get out (whether it was just a separation or whatever) to show him what life is without you and the kids. You just cannot stay in a bad situation trying to raise children (positively) if he is not willing to try at all. Everyone has to work closely together to make these blended families work - but I must say that from those I know that it has worked - it has taken a lot of time for the blending. Hopefully, this will be the case with you. My husband does NOT come first in my life; nor do my kids come first -- they are all treated for their needs on an equal level. Thats the only way that has worked best for us. Good luck and I hope things get better with time and hopefully counseling.

I tend to agree with Cndy. I understand the need to work on the relationship with the spouse, rather than focusing solely on the children, but children have a different set of needs than a functioning adult. I don't feel anyone should take the attitude that the spouse comes first at the expense of the children. Until a child becomes a responsible and functioning adult, they are dependent on you. That is not to say that the children should come first at the expense of the spouse, either. There has to be some balance there, but I cannot agree unilateraly that the spouse comes first, no matter what. If putting the spouse first harms the children, then there is something wrong, and it is inexcusable for a parent to knowingly and intentionally harm his/her children. JMHO.

Seems to me that a problem in many stepfamilies is the biological parents' inability to distinguish between the kids' "wants" and "needs"... Of course their needs must be met, but that's different from allowing them to run roughshod over the new spouses' needs. This is particularly troublesome if they've learned how to monopolize the parents' time, attention, and emotional energy (not to mention money) by laying a manipulative guilt trip on a divorced mom or dad... Distinguishing between wants and needs, meeting the needs of both children and spouse equally, then satisfying the wants of both as able and willing; that seems to me to be the missing key in many of these situations.

PUTZ! Let's see here...what other clues do you require that this person isn't any good? FOUR marriages? Are you desperate or something? Get a good attorney, and get out! BEFORE he ruins the relationships with your children any further. Respect is earned, not demanded!