My husband is on another of his "not talking" (in a cave) modes. I need some advice and if I am wrong or handling this wrong, someone please advise. We've been married 7 yrs (my 2nd marriage bringing 2 kids) and his first. I have worked very hard to make this marriage good and work. I've put up with a lot of BS giving him time to get clued in on "kids", living with them, etc (I know these things take time especially if you never had any). To his credit, he has mellowed thru the years and we are blending slowing but surely as a family But I swear I am going to blow up soon with him. To give a quck rundown of what started "this" one - Thursday evening he ran into a friend who wanted to go have a beer. They went. (I was invited but had the 3 boys, homework, ball practice, etc, and he asked if I minded if he went). I wsa fine with that. The beer that started at 7:15 came home at 11:00. He stumbled into the house, tried to find his way to the stairs and stayed in the bathroom quite some time (sick to his stomach). Next morning - he blamed it on the Mexican dip. (stupid?) Needless to say, we go out to eat on Friday nights. He took the day off Friday (hungover) and didn't want to go out to eat (still not feeling well) - so we put up with his mood and not feeling good . (I contained all comments to myself) Saturday we went to MY oldest sons doubleheader baseball game (definite improvement as he used to not go in the past) BUT he was ill, moody and acted as if he were being put thru chinese torture being there. After game, he wanted to go home and was pissed because I wanted to go tell my son goodbye (it was dads weekend and he was going home with his dad for the night) - my husband was saying "why do you have to say goodbye? you just watched him play ball for 6 hours". I said goodbye anyway to my son and we left. I asked him if he wanted to go out to eat and he said "no, I just want to go home". We went home and I went out to get me and the baby something to eat (asked him if he wanted something and of course he did so we got that too). Moody the rest of the night. Sunday morning I guess his mood passed and he asked if I wanted to go out and eat breakfast. I said no. I had things to do at home (and did since we were gone so much this weekend - and deep down wanted to pay him back for not going with me the past 2 days I asked) so he took the baby and went off and stayed gone till 3:30 in afternoon. I beeped him twice - no response. I sat down and wrote him long letter telling him how I felt about things. Left it on counter. After he got home, didn't talk. I asked him if he wanted to go with me and the boys to ball practice Sun evening and to eat after - he said no. So we went without him. I'm sure he read the letter, but of course, didn't mention it. Beeped him on way home to see if he needed anything - didn't respond. Monday morning, I kissed him bye when I left for work. Beeped him to ask him something and he hasnt responded. <br>This is typical response from him and attitude. In 3 days he'll be over it - but will NOT discuss it. What do you do with someone who has this chip on his shoulder all the time? I want to stay married and let this family grow but he is driving me insane. I feel I have to BEG to even get words out of his mouth or answers to questions. <br>

I am sorry. I don't know exactly what you can do. I go through the SAME EXACT thing with my husband. If you want to talk more to me please e-mail me.Thanks.

Sorry, my e-mail is ktennyson @ apscotulsa.com

Get help. Don't ask the advice of people on here. Get PROFESSIONAL help. Otherwise, you just want the attention, don't you?

Looks like I got your attention!!! <br>I win!

Way to go Cndy!!! Score one for you... did you see what he said to me on the "Kauai" thread ROFLOL!!!... it's probably a bored teenager skipping school, getting high, and getting his jollies trying to provoke others... so sad ... he'll get bored and play somewhere else... or better yet he'll try to take something up with Glenn (no offense Glenn, I love reading your posts... you're a master at the written word! And a big brother kind of guy who can squash this kind of vermin with a flick of the wrist!)... that'll put him in his place in a hurry! <p><p>[This message has been edited by mostlylurking (edited 03-02-99).]

Really! <br>Hey Glenn, we need you!<br>Kauai wants someone to play with - up for some competition? Go get him!<p>[This message has been edited by Cndy (edited 03-02-99).]

Glenn,<P>So sorry to have drug you into this. There is really no excuse. Kauai's attackes appeared to be just mean-hearted. I've seen others posts or respond here with anger, but you could generally also see an attempt to help or make an effort to get another to consider another point of view. I'm sure that we can all relate to angry arguements with others where the anger builds because the other "just won't understand". Of course there have also been seemly ignorant posts or posts that were an attempt at humor but failed and then caused a little turmoil. <P>But, I believe Kauai was out of line. Maybe I wrongly accused Kauai of ill intent, but only from experience with self-proclaimed trouble makers who exhibited behavior much like Kauai's for "fun".<P>Again, no disrespect intended to you Glenn. I have followed your story as have many others here, and I hope all is going well. <P>

Glenn - <BR>I paid him back. I served him mexican for dinner the next night and told him I "hoped" it didn't make him sick again! <BR>I did blow up - (though in my own way - I don't give him the time) and did exactly what you hate. I go off with my kids (without him) and don't say where I'm going. An eye for an eye? I guess since the oldest ones are MY kids, I'm supposed to deal with them. Truthfully - I give up on men (at least on understanding them). Takes up too much of my valuable time - and I have to raise 3 more little men to grow into big men - so I've decided to devote my time and attention on MY KIDS and leave the big guy on his own - whatever happens, happens. Such is life. you know? When I adopt this attitude - he doesn't want to go for the beer(s)?! with the guys - he wants to stay locked up around me - so go figure? My philospohy is stop trying to figure the big man out and work the little ones!

Cndy,<P>They certainly are hard to figure out, and they say that about us too. Think of all the authors and speakers making big bucks trying to telling us how to figure each other out... and no matter how many different tacts you try, and how hard you try to understand, until the day comes that we've evolved into a species that can read thoughts, I don't think it's gonna happen. So instead of understand, we have to accept, and sometimes tolerate those things we all do that drive each other crazy because we don't understand. Easier said than done. And then what brings us here is when things cross the line to what we just can no longer tolerate.<P>Just rambling here, I find myself tolerating that which is unacceptable, but when you've let someone get away with things for so long, when you finally say enough is enough you end up the bad guy!<P>Glenn, at the risk of sounding nice, no offense taken

Mostlylurking - <BR>You are so right! We tolerate it so long that when we DO find ourselves here - we ARE the wrong guy! Talk about hitting the nail on the head. And we tolerate why? To avoid conflict? (lovebuster) and arguments (lovebusters) and then try to communicate with a NON-communicator? Its a clear loss. Like I said I have finally decided to use my energies and time for my kids. Because whatever is going to happen to the rest is bound to happen on its own trail - I really dont have control over that course!

So what do we do? Teach our children to communicate and tackle problems head-on before they fester and live vicariously through their happily ever-afters? <P>But there are good days here and there when you stumble across a weak spot in that barrier between the sexes, and all seems right with the world for a while, I guess we have to hang on to those! <P>Glenn, I have that imagination problem - the ability to dream up the most morbid scenarios to the extent that I could bring myself to tears actually feeling the emotions I would feel if some horrible event were to occur - Now, I been asking God to get these thoughts out of my head when I feel then creeping up, and I'm most times able to push them away! I am in the process of turning away from my past skepticism of all things spiritual and finding new comfort. For those other times that I can't push them away, I've come to the rationalization that the bad things that really do happen come as a surprise, so if I imagine and prepare myself for the worst things possible, then they most likely won't happen! And you think you've got problems!

I have definitely learned some lessons from "men" (being my ex and my current) - and have taught my two older boys (15 and 12) to talk, talk, talk. They will talk to me about "anything". They are not shy, embarrased, nothing. I have instilled that in them since a small age and they are great communicators. Hopefully this is something they can maintain thru their lives and marriage and will remember and use it to their benefit. The other thing I have taught them is affection. Hugs, kisses, all the time. My 15 year old does not hesitate to hug me and kiss me on the cheek in front of his high school friends and say "I love you mom" . He hugs his dad, his grandma, and anyone close to them all the time! Now THATS a real man!!

Cndy,<P>May your future daughters-in-law kiss your feet Hopefully their mothers are teaching them well too!

Glenn,<P>I don't think it's as much a question of WHO raises the boys, or girls for that matter - but of HOW they are raised. A man can just as wonderfully raise boys or girls to respect others, to communicate, to not withhold affection... etc. Didn't mean to generalize like that. Actually, I'd like to believe that both PARENTS are more often equally involved in all aspects of their childrens' upbringing.<P>BTW, Respect intended, despite all your turmoils reflected in your posts, your love for and commitment to your children has appeared constant <P><p>[This message has been edited by mostlylurking (edited 03-16-99).]

Mostlylurking - <P>Once again, you hit the nail on the head! Its not the WHO raises them - it definitely is the HOW. And the HOW can be the hard part; I made it the easy part and the teaching part and the loving, caring, gentle and loving part. So hopefully, that will rub off on my boys as they continue to grow and learn; and hopefully, they can keep their wives happy with the tenderness, caring, loving affection that they were taught to give and receive without embarrassment and with ease.