My BF ex wife has totall ruined his children with him. She has bad mouthed him for so long that they do not even give him minimal respect anymore!! His oldest son (over 18) let a drunk friend drive his father's truck (without myBF knowing of course) and totalled it!! Now my BF is liable for the damages and for fixing it!! And his EX will not allow him to communicate with his son regarding this behavior. To top it all off she lied to the police for her son. My BF found out just yesterday that his EX allows parties at the childrens home, drinking, fighting, and guns have been fired!! But the police were never called by the EX, but she is more than ready to call the police when my BF goes over to address a problem with his children. I need to give him some advice and I am not sure exactly what to say to him. He gives these children everything they want. He pays for everything, yet he is not allowed to be a parent to them. He has to assume all the liability and responsiblity of his childrens actions but has no say in anything!!! Has anyone else ever been in this situation? He has not slept in three nights, and I am getting very concerned about this!!! Thanks in advance for any help that can be given!!!

Hi:<p>A diificult situation! I am separated since July 98. Fortunately this has helped build a better relationship with my11 yrs. old and I am trying to do the same with my 15 yr, old daughter. Hoping my wife will see the changes in me. I have been angry and verbally abusive. I really don't have any solutions for you. I believe in a husband and wife reconciling with each other; and this is not what he seems to be doing. God created man to have one wife. As soon as people have "other" relationships things get more complicated. I believe the people involved need to Jesus Christ and ask HIM for help to heal the marriage. This is a difficult time we live in; so much pain for all. I have been suggesting people read an article by Mr. Roach at site www.sigler.org/roach

I understand your beliefs on the subject of divorce. However, my BF and his ex wife have been divorced for some time now, and I do not see them getting back together at all, nor would I want them to, we have started a life together and plan to marry one day. I am concerned about what is being told to his children by the ex. She is very bitter and out for whatever revenge she can get. This man is a good man, a good father and a wonderful provider for his children. I just think it unfair that he has NO say so in anything his children do, cannot voice an opinion when they do something wrong/dangerous. He is always the bad guy, even in the event of his son's wreck, his ex wife blamed it all in my BF. He was at home in bed asleep, he had no idea where his son was or what he was doing!! And when he does try to find out he is told that it is none of his business. When he calls to speak to his children, the ex wife does not allow them to pick up the phone. When he goes over to see his children or talk to them she calls the police and has him picked up for tresspassing (restraining order), and all of this is done/said in his children's presence. If anyone has any advice for me, thanks! I am not sure if he can legally do anything about this other than taking the vehicles out of his name and putting them in the children's names. What do you think??

Not sure what your state laws are, a parent is generally legally responsible until age 18 no matter if the vehicle is in their name. You may want to read the problem I submited for resolution (post-divorce.) I can relate to your BF. My two adult children still allow their mother to control them. Your BF has not control over what his ex tells them. They seem old enough to believe what they want to believe about their father. "Tough love" is another possibility. My opinion, a father is a father and not to be a friend to his children, this can change once the children realize their position within the family. I have seen too many "sugar daddy's" always trying to please their children. Why? Probably due to the guilt they feel for abandoning them. There are self-help books on the subject. I suggest, the father should not try to communicate with the mother. I have learned, you can not talk and try to negotiate with an unreasonable person. for whatever reason your BF ex is not letting go of her anger and resentment. This may go on until she dies, sad but true. Even if she remarries, she may not change this, so do not hope for that either. Another suggestion is for the father to write to his children and do not speak about the mother and just simply let them know he is there for them and loves them. This is hoping they get the mail. If she intercepts their mail, then I suggest sending registered mail with the kids signature. Also, he is entitled visitation and if the ex is violating that order then petition the court about the visitation violations. I hope this has helped a little. Read my short story about my present delema while in San Diego. Your boyfriend may not feel alone. Good luck and do not give up. JW

John,<br>Thank you for your kind reply. I did read your story and it does seem to hit close to home with my Bf's situation. It is sad that some mothers seem to take great pleasure in using the children as a tool to hurt the other parent. I know once his children are older they will make their own assessment of the situation with an adult mind. I know that his children will "eventually" not be ruled by their mother's example and/or emotions any longer. It is sad however, to know that you have no control over the situation at the time being. My Bf has tried several times this weekend to phone his children. The phone was either off of the hook for hours or his ex would answer and say they are not home and hang up. He is not allowed on her property to see the children (restraining order) and his children are not allowed to get in their cars to come over as they want. It seems to be getting worse than better. I think the letter thing you suggessted was a wonderful idea, I will certainly bring it up to him, in the hopes he will try this as an attempt to keep communication open. Thanks again for your suggesstions!! If you can think of any thing else, or any other explaination of what is happening, please post again!!