About 7 months ago, my husband packed his things and left me and our 2-year old daughter behind. After 6 days and ceaseless begging on my part, he returned home and we began the "His Needs, Her Needs" seminar at our church, along with marriage counseling with our church minister. It seems as though we are getting a long a lot better than before, however, there are still some "love busters" existent in our relationship that hinders me from truly loving and trusting my husband completely.<br>I have a deep-rooted fear that my husband will leave our young family again. My fear causes me to accept things from my husband tha I normally would not tolerate. He smokes marijuana on a daily basis, and when I suggest drug abuse counseling he simply says that "weed" is the only thing that keeps him sane, and from that, I fear that "weed" is the only thing keeping him in our family. So, I must give up my battle to get him to stop smoking or risk losing my husband and the father that my daugheter adores.<br>My fear is so strong that even when he talks demeaning to me or is blatantly rude and unkind (which generally occurs when he is sober or hasn't had his "fix"), I hurt but I am afraid to tell him for fear of starting an argument around our young, impressionable daugheter. I know that I can only change myself, and each day I strive to be a better person, wife, and mother. But I feel like I am trapped with a husband who has no feelings or concern for my own feelings, and I feel like I am going to explode with misery.<p>I want so badly to give my daughter a two-parent home, which is something I was never able to enjoy, yet it is costing me my dignity and self-worth. I know that it was mainly my selfish,disrespectful attitude that drove my husband away, and I have truly repented and want to make amends. However, my fear is that my husband will never forgive me for what I did to him, and he is punishing me to make me suffer for the horrible way I treated him the first 2 1/2 years of our marriage. <p>Please help me understand my husband and how to cope with my present situaion. I have given up on arguing with him when he makes me feel bad, and so I withdraw to myself. I try desperately not to think of divorce, yet when he treats me like "trash" and talks to me disrespectfully, especially in front of our daugheter, I don't know what I am supposed to feel.<p>Confused and Scared!!<p>

Hi Confused and Hurt:<br>First, stop blaming yourself for your feelings. Your feelings are very important for you and for your daughter. Questions to ask yourself is, do you want your daughter to be exposed to illegal drug use? Thinking your H will quit the drug when your daughter is older may not happen. Your H will find his own excuses for using drugs, he will blame you for his moods, don't by into those blame statements, he is trying to lower your self-esteem to boost his. I suggest in your situation that you read info on Codependency or get involved in a CoDA group in your community. It is a great 12 step program. You have to do what you have to do, but caution to the illegal drug use, it is probably causing you much turmoil. Good luck and do not have to put up with the BS, life is short enough, why be miserable. Good luck and take care. JW

\<P><p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

right now I am terribly confused and hurt. My efforts for the past few months to save my marriage have been in vain. As I write this message tears flow from my eyes because the family I always wanted to have will no longer be.<br>I feel as though I am emotionnaly unstable to handle this situation. My husband, is so many words, has told me that his usage of marijuana is used to escape from the reality of being with me, and as soon as he "gets a life" he won't have to worry about being or talking with me anymore. I am to blame for the entire downfall of the marriage. I can not believe this is happening.<br>I am so totally confused and hurt. I dont' want to call my parents or friends because I don't want them to know I failed miserably. I need suppot, but I am so embarrasee because I've been ranting and raving about how well things have been and how we are going to buy a house and get a dog, the American dream. Well my dream has turned into a nightmare<br>I asked him if he wanted a divorce, and he said he didn;t care. I don't want a divorce,but I think he is downgrading me and blaming me, and cursing me so that I will weaken, and lose faith and buckle and succumb to the evil influences of divorce.<p>I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!! HE DOESN'T LOVE ME, NO MATTER HOW MUCH WHEIGHT I LOSE OR HOW SUNMISSIVE I THINK I AM, HE JUST DOESN'T LOVE ME

Sebrea:<P>HollyAnn is right. A person who is on drugs is not in a position to reason. You will need to seek help, yes even a women's shelter until your H accepts to take steps to stop being on grass. My wife went the shelter and filed for divorce because I yelled and screamed at her and my 2 girls. This happened in July. We are now going for counseling together. She needs it more than I do. I went through Anger Manegment 8 weeks,<BR>Parenting for Men 12 weeks, and now through DivorceCare for 13 weeks. Every bit helps. Both of us do not want divorce but something have to be done when people are disrespectful toward one another. My wife and girls were scared of me to. I have never been on drugs but verbal abuse is bad enough. Now we are rebuilding our marriage and hopefully soon we will reunite. So there is alot of hope for you too. If you believe in God pray often. God wants marriegss to stay intact. It is HIS WILL to have you and your husband to live happily, If you are not <BR>a believer in God, go to www.bable.ca or www.gospelcom.net and read as to how you can get closerr to God. I have found it impossible to face these difficulties withour asking for God's DIVINE POWER!<BR>Good luck.<P>And now HollyAnn has convinced me too, to get a copy of Dr. James Dobson's book, "Love Must Be Tough"

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]