I know I'm of a sound mind, the PMS stuff is over for now. More weird stuff, still no snooping since the lunch receipts. Never told a soul about the snooping and the double lunches.<P>Now, we are at his brother's last night, where his parents are temporarily staying. First social time with family since the funerals and all the crap that they gave husband because H is on the will. <P>BIL is merciless in his razzing my husband. BIL is the older brother, but my H is his boss. There's this big conflict between the field construction workers (BIL) and the office (my H). He goes on and on and on and on, I really mean it when he is merciless. I'm sure there are underlying issues for his teasing, but it is almost to the point of being mean. The more any one shows he is getting to them, the more he does it and enjoys it, regardless of the consequences.<P>The last time this happened, brother in law was razzing my husband about hooters, and some midget. H laughed it off, and denied, and tried to make believe it was all BS. I called BIL that night and told him how serious I was about knocking it off, because it seriously offends me. He promised to stop, and apologized. It stopped for a while.<P>It wasn't - at least the hooters part.<P>So last night, BIL says "Did ya tell TnT about your lunches? Did ya tell TnT that you take her to $50 lunches?" Ha ha ha ha<BR>and the night revolves around the teasing. I politely left shortly after that.<P>H came home 30 min. later. He brought it up, and I said - well, your brother was right about Hooters, do you want to be honest with me? That is it.... He's been lovebusting ever since - hollering, denying, threatening, refused to work today so I would suffer consequences for "accusing", etc. etc. etc.<P>Pretty much the same routine as when I let him know I knew he was lying about hooters, about 5 hours into our trip on vacation.<P>Now he says he wants to be single again, and doesn't want to deal with the "lies" I create in my own mind, and says he's been trying real hard, gets no credit. Doesn't want to receive the inheritance money and have me get some "crazy" lie in my mind and take him to the cleaners.....<P>He's a nit wit, right? But what the heck is up?<P>

TnT,<P>Sounds like BIL is no friend to either you or your h. What a tough situation you are in. H sounds like he is way to defensive. Did you tell him you had seen the receipts? Don't know if I would have or not with the mood it sounds like he was in. Not many ideas for you, just know that I will be praying for you to do the right things and be strong when h goes off like that.

Oh TNT, I'm so sorry. It is so difficult to have suspicions and know whether they are right or wrong you're going to get a denial from your H. I think that's why I took the news of the resumed affair so well, I finally knew I wasn't crazy--but I had absolute proof, which is difficult to get.<P>I hate the word "trying".<P>Just remember, dark deeds are always exposed to the light. And you, dear TNT, have the Light.

Thanks Lor and Derby. Sure can use prayers! I think my answer is "he's a nit wit...."<P>uggghhhhhh

Your BIL sounds like he needs some work. My H kept telling me for months that I was making up the whole thing, etc etc etc. <P>Hang in there.

TnT,<P>Ok, here comes the fryin' pan...... first for your BIL.... in a BIG way!! Then for you H for being a nit wit!!<P>If it were me.... I'd sit BIL down and give him the what for. (If I didn't know better, I'd say your BIL is my FIL.... he picks & picks too )<P>My thougths & prayers are with you too.<BR>B<P>------------------<BR>My favorite quote....<BR>"Hello, this is God. I will be handeling your problems today. I will not need your help, so sit back and have a good day."<BR>

Hi TNT -<P>I'm certainly no one to categorize - I am just getting used to Whack-A-Doodle!!<P>Whenever my H would do this I would simply say that I was asking a question and that He's the one getting defensive - What are you defending?<P>You had an opening to ask the question you did!! It was his brother who said it - not you!! You simply want to know what he was talking about.<P>Doesn't sound accusatory to me!!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

I'm so sorry TNT. I wish I could be as helpful to you as you've been to me. I agree with your nit-wit assessment. I'll be thinking of you.

tnt, poor soul.....all I can say is I've heard the "you're crazy" but you know I snooped I had it all. Then caught him red handed, I almost thought he was going to try to tell me "it's not what you think". One thing that used to eat my husband up is when something wasn't quite right with his story, I would just smile at him (you know that look that you find it so amusing the story he's telling), We all know here your mother DIDN'T RAISE A FOOL!!!!!!! I'll be thinking of you........ P.S. do you think he believes himself?.....my H did (that was scary)

Trustntruth<BR>I've been uneasy about your posts since before vacation.<P>Since we have the same personality, I know how easy it is to want to believe what it is we want the truth to be.<P>Your H is trying to intimidate you (which in my case is pretty easy to do).<P>Do not enable him. Trust you insticts. <P>We are here.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

trustntruth -- I know you and I have had our differences in the past, and maybe I shouldn't be putting in my $0.02 worth. . .but I think your BIL is trying to irritate both you and your H.<P>Personally I think I would sit down with BIL and "lay down the law."<P>As for your H, I wish I could offer something that would help. I've been pretty bad at giving advice, and when I have tried I never seem to be able to explain things so that they make sense.<P>I hope things get better for you, and I will be praying for you.<P>God Bless

Thanks for the replies, guys. <P>Should I do the switch the car routine, and follow him at lunch, before the snow flies...<P>

Trustntruth<BR>Don't know what you should do...what do you mean switch cars.<P>Be sure you are ready to know the answers and a pretty clear idea of your own reactions.<P>Hey, does Hooters have any help wanted signs. You could apply and he could have one interesting lunch!<P>What do you think is honestly going on?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I need help FHL, figuring this out.<P>He was so distant at the 40th birthday party after I found out he was lying, and didn't react or cause a scene (no lovebuster routine.)<P>He went to hooters the day before our vacation. I knew he had (6th sense). Looked in his checkbook, and he didn't write the name in. It wasn't put on his expense account. I asked him where he wrote the check, and he would not answer. Kind of, I don't know? I told him the banks will start sending the checks in the statement this month, so don't worry. He blew up, without admitting. BIG TIME. I was non-confrontational at that point - playing sort of dumb to see how he would react.<P>Well, it was the same reaction when I went into his truck one time from a trip out of town. He violently pulled me from his truck, because he had lied about this bag of clothes he had bought.<P>Now, I wasn't accusatory - just asked for the truth, and look how he is reacting.<P>I went to the lake with grandson and daughter yesterday. He came down there, wanted to know if I wanted to go in the lake with him for..... I didn't act any different, just smiled - don't know how to react right now without lovebusters, his intimidation is working. He asked me 3 times to come to bed with him last night. I slept on the couch, without lovebusters. I am diverting my energies from dealing with him, because I'm thinking he's up to no good again, and I don't want to lovebust.<P>"Switch the car routine" is changing cars with someone, so he doesn't recognize me following him.

Don't mean to come down on the Nit Wit, but it sounds to me that something is rotten at Hooters, and it ain't the rib eye steak!!He is sounding too defensive for nothing to be wrong. (Been there, done that.) Your BIL is a major PR, but I wouldn't ignore the teasing altogether. Sure, it might be teasing, but there is usually some truth to it, or he wouldn't be teasing at all. My advice? Keep your eyes open, and your mouth shut. You deserve the answers, and if he won't give them to you, you will have to find them for yourself. Don't know if you have been doing this, but have you thought about keeping a journal regarding his whereabouts, times he leaves and gets back, etc? A PI I called last year suggested that I do that, and it was invaluable in recalling past events and times. The best thing was that when he told me that I was mistaken, and crazy, I knew I wasn't. Good Luck.<P>------------------<BR><P><BR>

A journal is an excellent idea.<P>Lying even about a bag of clothes is unacceptable in a relationship. Lying is unacceptable in any situation.<P>There is a difference between lovebusting and legitimate anger and accountability.<P>I would like to slap your H silly for disrespecting you like that, even if he is doing nothing wrong.<P>Everyone needs varying amounts of "space" in a marriage...but basically your lives should be open to one another. After all, you are one.<P>It seems to me your H is taking advantage of your good nature. <P>You may have to catch him red handed and then he will even deny. Sad thing is, since you don't know what is true and not true it is hard to really nail it.<P>So if you found him at Hooters with someone, would that be enough proof for you? Or if he denied what was going on, would you still wonder.<P>What are your bounderies. If the worst is true, what would you like to see happen?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I know what I want. I want my marriage to work, and to be worthwhile! I want that complete intimacy back. Without honesty, it isn't truly there.<P>I've been doing the plan A, and it is working. So, I guess I would continue with the plan A, and catching him red handed would encourage him towards honesty, and...<BR>Counseling?<P>Right now, "I'm the one with the problem." "I think crazy thoughts, and believe lies."

I say this in all concern...Plan A is not really working if your H reaps the rewards of living in harmony with a wife who is trying to meet all needs while he continues, renews or whatever, inappropriate conduct or relationships.<P>Then it is just you being nice and him willfully taking advangage.<P>Sorry, I just want to slap him silly. He has such a wonderful wife! I do not want to see you hurt or mistreated.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thank you FHL. When it is "disclosed" (The famous D Day), I think I'll continue plan A and hope that I made enough deposits and can continue no withdrawals. When I can't do that no more, I'll go to B!!!!<P>Now, I have to catch him. We can't get any closer to recovery until then. Unless Dawn wants to mail me that fryin pan. <P> TNT

TnT,<BR> Isn't it weird how much alike our Hs are?!<BR> My H also reacts with extreme anger whenever I directly address my concerns about his screwing around. He doesn't react so much if I just make veiled and generalized references (so that either nobody else knows what I'm talking about or they think I'm kidding) either in public or privately.<BR> And, then again, sometimes he's just a damned old pr***!!!<BR> This morning, he asked me if I had seen a phone number he wrote down on a piece of paper. I told him no, I hadn't. He goes on to say that it was on a little yellow piece of paper. I was trying to say, "If you just wrote the number down without a name to go with it, it probably got thrown away," but he wouldn't even let me finish the sentence...he cut in, saying, "I don't want to listen to nine yards of s***; I just want the damned number." Well, excu-u-u-use me for living!!! I did not love-bust, but firmly told him that all I wanted to say was (what I said above. But, you know what. That disrepectful remark from him really makes me angry. That's the kind of remark I get whenever I try to express anger about anything--and not necessarily anything to do with him. It's the kind of remark I get when I try to answer a question he's asked me--apparently, all he wants is a yes or no, and no other comments--like I'm his employee, slave, or whatever.<BR> Yes, I'm getting more and more furious with him. The whole deal with the lying, plus his telling our kids about our problems, and his general disrespectful behavior toward me. GRRRRRR!<BR> TnT, I think you need to hire a PI to be sitting in Hooters at lunchtime--preferably with one of those little hidden video cameras.<BR> Failing that, get yourself a wig, some different type of makeup (make yourself look cheap if you can--you know--the blue eyeshadow type), glasses, and some different clothes (check yard sales) and cheap jewelry. Pad your bra and your butt to make yourself even more unrecognizable. (I made myself a bra which gives me some really big saggy boobs. I like to get myself up like an old gal who's been rode hard and put up wet. ) If you smoke, take a different brand of cigarettes. Use brown eyebrown pencil to make age spots on your hands.Get yourself a big purse, put a video camera inside, and cut a hole big enough for the lens to be able to tape. Practice with this at home a little before you try it for real. You might have to put other stuff in the purse to stabilize the camera.<BR> Then, go to Hooters and get yourself a table where you have a good view of the room. Set your purse on the table beside you, order something, and wait.<BR> I have a reddish brown long curly wig. I wear my bra I adapted to make me look like 38E. I'm already heavy, so I don't worry about padding the butt. I went to Wal-Mart last summer and bought an UNflattering knit pants and top outfit. With this get up, I draw my eyebrows to look thick, wear blue eyeshadow, orangy blush, and I remove my lower denture plate and wear different glasses (tinted are best). (I have the kind of mouth where you don't really see my bottom teeth, so basically what removing the plate does is allow me to change the shape of my mouth without too much trouble.) I put on a cheap pearl necklace, and some old scuffed-up white worn-at-the-heels pumps. H has seen me in this outfit and still doesn't know it was me. I wore it when I checked him out on a fishing trip last year--and yeah, he checked out OK that time.<BR> Anyway, I look SOOOOOO CUTE!!! <P>You have just been SO patient and helped me to keep my cool that I hate to see this happening. It does sound like BiL is a pain in the butt, but I think you would do well to consider that his inability to keep his mouth shut may work to your advantage. Really.<P>Take care of yourself!