I had an affair 8 months ago, my husband found out and it was ended. We went through several months of counseling and it seemed we were back on track and our marriage was better than ever. We have been married 8 years and have two small children. Our life has had lots of financial problems but for the most part has been happy, good, etc. My husband suffers from chemical imbalances and is frequently manic/depressive. The problem is just when things are going well, he will crash into depression and accuse me of still cheating on him, not loving him, etc. I try to be loving and supportive, but I keep feeling like he will never forgive me. Last night we got into a fight over some friends of ours who are going through a similar situation and he blew up at me, threw suitcases at me and told me to move out. I left and went to a friends, but came back because I will not leave my children and I don't really want a divorce. I am not sure I still love my husband though. This morning he was still very angry and said he wanted me to file for divorce. I won't make the first move, but I am slightly worried he will try to take my kids away and turn everyone against me since I was the one who had the affair. I don't want to get nasty and use his psychological problems against him, but I will not lose my children without a fight. Any advice would be appreciated, even if you tell me I'm the one who is wrong.

elle:<P>Take it from a faithful husband who's wife had an affair: you'll have to be a pretty rotten mother to lose your kids. Your husband may be using that as a threat, but the reality of the legal system is that the mother will have physical custody of the kids, unless she's an "unfit" mother. And an affair doesn't necessarily make you unfit (but it is a bad example...).<P>Is your husband on medication to control his depressions? If he's not, then he should be. If he is, I suggest that the two of you talk with his doctor about adjusting medication. In addition, you should try to address the situation(s) that make your husband crash like this, and try to avoid them.<P>You were wrong to have an affair. Your husband is wrong to treat you with anger and disrespect. You need to find some common ground. Get back into counseling: it's cheaper than a divorce. It sounds like you still have to eliminate lovebusters for each other: identify these and make a plan to get rid of them.<P>I agree that you shouldn't initiate any divorce. State to your husband that you do love him, and that you want the marriage to work and are willing to do what it takes. Back those words up with behavior consistant with this: it focuses on the elimination of your lovebusters.

Thanks for the reply and advice. We have resolved the most recent dispute and seem to be back on track. The best thing we have learned from all of this is to communicate by whatever means necessary when we do have a conflict -- i.e. when we were so angry and upset that we couldn't talk, we wrote our hurts and heartfelt expressions out to each other via e-mail. Then once we got past the overwrought emotions, we talked for 3 or 4 hours last night and we're back to going forward with love and hope. He still had some down times today, and yes, he is on medication. And we are going to begin counseling again, either with our minister whom we saw before or with his psychologist who is a marriage counselor as well. I am very thankful for this site though too because I can get advice or just have an outlet for venting when I most need it. Thanks again!