My wife and I have been married just over 10 years. It has been an up and down marriage almost since the beginning mostly somehow related to her three children (then ages 11, 7, 5) and their natural father---they appeared to me (and still to) to have an allegiance to their father that wouldn't allow me into the circle. I have paid much so for this----my wife has always seen it as I "hated" the kids; or I treated them differently because they weren't mine; etc. I feel I have tried very hard---she doesn't. I am not entirely blameless, because at times I "blew" (no physical violence towards them) because I felt trapped. The oldest (now 22) has been involved with sex, drugs and who knows what else since age 13. The second (a girl, now 17) is unmarried and had a child just February 4; the youngest (now 15) is serving 2 months in juvenile for hitting someone at school, hitting his mother and doing distruction to a mail box and other things. <P>My wife blames me because i wasn't a better father. I am sure that I could have done better, but feel that I tried my best to be with them, play with them, etc----they have always tried to avoid it unless they wanted something. We now have three of our own ages 9, 7, and 6. My wife sat the three younger ones down along with their sister and baby and told them that she thought that we were going to get a divorce because "she couldn't take it any more." She feels that I "interfer" in her kids lifes and I have no right to do that (quite a change from earlier what she wanted). It came up because she wants our daughter to marry her boyfriend (age 16) so that their son can have a father and mother. She has great hopes of them making a go of it, plans to have them live with us for a couple months until he can get his GED (our daughter already has hers---she was homeschooled; him regular school) and find a job to support them. I made the mistake of misagreeing and saying that they were both too immature to get into such a relationship. My wife feels that they must be given "a chance so that their child may not have to go through life without him father as her children did."<P>I don't know where to turn next. To make matters worse, I travel a lot and generally am only home weekends. I call home nightly to talk to her and sometimes our three (generally our daughter [hers] answers the phone and I talk to her first for a few minutes too)<P>as i said, I am not perfect, but I feel a lot of it is that she is under a lot of pressure and doesn't want any help and, of course, is getting nothing but garbage from her first husband as far as helping with the older children. I also don't help her much mentally (which I am trying to work on) because I want to be with her when I am home on the weekend because I am gone during the week. The 17 year old wants her all the time and my wife feels that she must give it to her----this causes conflict too. She has now asked me to not come home this next weekend (which was the weekend she has plans for our daughter to get married).<P>HELP!! I love her very much and want to stay married whether we ever had had any children or not. She is a very beautiful woman and I have told her this but she doesn't believe me because she weighs about 250 pounds. She is also very spiritual which was important to me. She is good with the children but screems a lot when disciplining them. She leaves the older ones pretty much alone (the 22 year old moved out about 5 months ago so he is no longer home [about 400 miles away---we only hear from him when he needs something and it is hard for us to contact him as he moves from house to house----this hurts my wife very much).<P>Any suggestions on what i can do to help with the situation?

Just want you to know you're not alone; my husband has full-custody of his 3 daughters, and I have also felt like a fifth wheel throughout... The four of them are very close and they want all his time and attention; it hasn't improved much over the years, and we fight continually about this... Blending is very hard in the best of circumstances. No advice, other than hang in there; they'll be gone eventually...

All Ican say also is "hang in there" blending families carries with it a lot of baggage and emotions. I'm on the other side of the fence and married a man with no children and I had 2 of my own. They are very close to their dad who they see a lot and are VERY committed to him and will always lean to him much more than my husband. My husband learned to expect a good friendship from them and knows where their "love" lies. If my ex was out of the picture, maybe he could expect more but thats not the case. I have been in this situation for 7 years and can only say that the emotions from it with me, my ex, my husband, and my kids are neverending. <BR>My own dilemas are overwhelming in all of this - I know they WOULD NOT be if my ex and I didn't see each other so much due to our kids - but its just a mess. HANG IN THERE - try to show your love and support - thats all I can say. Trust me, its been so overwhelming at times, I've wanted to BAIL from it all and just let me and my kids live our lives alone! (fortunately, I've hung in there)

I appreciate your support. I am better today, but I'm still "blue." My wife asked my opinion tonight on something regarding our daughter and when i responded, she told me that I was "wrong." I guess you both are right when you say "hang in there." I plan to, but I really hurt. Found out today from my wife that we are being billed by the State of Washington $2800/mth for our son (my step-son) to be in juvenile. His father refuses to pay anything towards it so it is all on us. My wife is a "stay at home" mother (which I have no problem with) so it is another financial burden on the family which I feel has been caused a lot by a child that wants to get the attention of his natural father. I feel sorry for both my son and his father, but mostly for my wife.<P>