My wife and I have been married for 10 years now. It's been a wonderful happy marriage that's produced 2 wonderful boys thus far. My wife is a stay-at-home, yet-extremely-active Mom. When we met 11 years ago, my wife was a casual smoker (normally only in social situations). By way of background and to put it in perspective from my point of view -- Smoking to me is a very personal thing as I lost my grandmother to it. Watching her breathe hard and slowly die from Emphysema was difficult and has set me against it with all I'm worth. At the time we were dating, I basically laid down the ultimatum that she choose it or me. She chose me and we got married. There have been a few incidents throughout the years where she'd do it and I'd react very negatively. It was never comfortable and always difficult. I realize and fully admit now that over the years, conscious or not, I've done some "controlling" in the relationship -- I teased her about where's she's from, made comments on coffee drinking, and generally was a pain in the behind when it came to things I didn't like or didn't approve of. Of course, on the flip side, I think I was also very loving and supportive of her needs, wants and desires, etc.<P> (Fast-forwarding back to the present)<BR>About 3 months ago, I began to see a change in my wife. She started losing weight, changed her hair, and started needing more independence to 'discover who she is', etc. She asked me for an hour or two each week to just get away. I willingly supported her. She then told me that over the years, she felt like I've tried to control her with the prime example being the smoking. She said that whenever she felt like doing it, she'd think "Oh no, better not, Bill would have a cow" -- this in turn produced some resentment over time. She felt it was now important to move beyond that -- she needs the freedom to make her own decisions.<P>I want to support her and give her the space she needs but for some reason, I'm scared to death of the whole situation. I mean, it's not like she's started smoking every day or anything like that. I know she wouldn't allow that to happen. But at the same time, I can't get over the feeling like I'm somehow not as important to her right now. Maybe I'm just being selfish. I see it like everything else in life -- you always have to make decisions and you always have to weigh whatever it is with the needs and desires of your spouse and family. We are all adults and we need to act like it. For example, I may find another woman attractive, but then I have to weigh "Is an hour or 2 of pleasure worth hurting my spouse and kids?" The answer is, "Of course, not." To me, this is the same type of thing -- "Knowing how Bill feels on this topic, is it really worth hurting him over it?" My answer again would have to be "NO". In my mind, it's as simple as that. To her, it's more like "Why does this always have to come back to you? Why can't I just make my own decisions?" I know I have to give her the space she needs and I know she's smart enough to make the right decisions. I'm just hurt that I'm being "excluded" from the whole thing in a way -- to me, it shouldn't be an issue. You should always weigh what's best for all concerned. Maybe I'm wrong -- maybe I'm blowing it way out of proportion. It still doesn't take away the hurt and it doesn't make it any easier. I tell her I'll give her the space she needs and I will, but inside me it's eating me alive. Am I crazy? Am I just being selfish and controlling? Or is she being selfish? Or is it some combination of the two?<P>I will do what I said I'd do and give her space but I have needs too...<BR>

Hi:<BR>I too lived with a smoker for about 10 years. My wife finally quite, almost a year now. I watched my father wither away after quiting for about 10 years he got lung cancer and lost 3/4 of one lung and then cancer to his lymph nodes and etc. You are right, it is not a pleasant sight. I have asthma which complicated matters with our relationship. Her mother has emphasema and it hurts hearing the coughing and watching her use her ocassional oxygen. I used to say to my wife a guilt statement, like, "how can you do that in front of your mother knowing of her condition." Of coarse this lead into an arguement, but non-smokers have rights too. It may be selfish on our parts, but in my opinion, "smokers" are selfish too, especially when they are exposing those around them with their smoke. The question to ask yourself, is your health being compromised and if so what are you doing about it. If it is not and you are only concerned about your wife's health, you have that right, but then are you watching her diet and whatever else she is doing? You have to decide if your statements to her are controlling or not. She may need some space to do the things she wants to due to being at home all day. Variety is good for anyone. I suspect, your wife is not proud of the fact she is a smoker and would love to quit for all parties, but she needs to do it for her self first. Smoking is one of the most powerful addictions in our society and there is much shame associated to it today. She is probably dealing with a lot of guilt everytime she lights up. I suggest to back off and let nature take its course. She is an adult and knows what to do about it, adding insult to injury is not the answer. This is of coarse if her smoking is not affecting your physical health, if it is I suggest to read material about "codependency." You do need to take care of yourself and your children too. Good luck. I know the road to recovery is not easy, but is worth the trip. JW