My wife and I have been married for 10 years now. It's been a wonderful happy marriage that's produced 2 wonderful boys thus far. My wife is a stay-at-home, yet-extremely-active Mom. When we met 11 years ago, my wife was a casual smoker (normally only in social situations). By way of background and to put it in perspective from my point of view -- Smoking to me is a very personal thing as I lost my grandmother to it. Watching her breathe hard and slowly die from Emphysema was difficult and has set me against it with all I'm worth. At the time we were dating, I basically laid down the ultimatum that she choose it or me. She chose me and we got married. There have been a few incidents throughout the years where she'd do it and I'd react very negatively. It was never comfortable and always difficult. I realize and fully admit now that over the years, conscious or not, I've done some "controlling" in the relationship -- I teased her about where's she's from, made comments on coffee drinking, and generally was a pain in the behind when it came to things I didn't like or didn't approve of. Of course, on the flip side, I think I was also very loving and supportive of her needs, wants and desires, etc.<P> (Fast-forwarding back to the present)<BR>About 3 months ago, I began to see a change in my wife. She started losing weight, changed her hair, and started needing more independence to 'discover who she is', etc. She asked me for an hour or two each week to just get away. I willingly supported her. She then told me that over the years, she felt like I've tried to control her with the prime example being the smoking. She said that whenever she felt like doing it, she'd think "Oh no, better not, Bill would have a cow" -- this in turn produced some resentment over time. She felt it was now important to move beyond that -- she needs the freedom to make her own decisions.<P>I want to support her and give her the space she needs but for some reason, I'm scared to death of the whole situation. I mean, it's not like she's started smoking every day or anything like that. I know she wouldn't allow that to happen. But at the same time, I can't get over the feeling like I'm somehow not as important to her right now. Maybe I'm just being selfish. I see it like everything else in life -- you always have to make decisions and you always have to weigh whatever it is with the needs and desires of your spouse and family. We are all adults and we need to act like it. For example, I may find another woman attractive, but then I have to weigh "Is an hour or 2 of pleasure worth hurting my spouse and kids?" The answer is, "Of course, not." To me, this is the same type of thing -- "Knowing how Bill feels on this topic, is it really worth hurting him over it?" My answer again would have to be "NO". In my mind, it's as simple as that. To her, it's more like "Why does this always have to come back to you? Why can't I just make my own decisions?" I know I have to give her the space she needs and I know she's smart enough to make the right decisions. I'm just hurt that I'm being "excluded" from the whole thing in a way -- to me, it shouldn't be an issue. You should always weigh what's best for all concerned. Maybe I'm wrong -- maybe I'm blowing it way out of proportion. It still doesn't take away the hurt and it doesn't make it any easier. I tell her I'll give her the space she needs and I will, but inside me it's eating me alive. Am I crazy? Am I just being selfish and controlling? Or is she being selfish? Or is it some combination of the two?<P>I will do what I said I'd do and give her space but I have needs too...<BR>
