I am in such a turmoil over the state of my marriage and am desperately seeking advice on how to save it. We have had what I thought was a good marriage up until 3 months ago. We had a "disagreement" one Sunday morning in which I yelled at my husband to "get out of my life." He left and has not been back. There was never much conflict in our marriage so fights were not something we dealt a lot with. He is a people pleaser and does not handle conflict well at all. He always put his family first, was very giving and attentive to our needs but in return did not demand much for himself. I would often question him about his needs and ask him how he found it so easy to make us his whole life. He always told me he was happy, that he had all he needed at home.<BR>Since leaving he has different things to say though. He says he "lived in hell for 14 years." He says that when I yelled at him he "lost all trust in me." He will not communicate with me. He gave me permission to e-mail him but very rarely responds to them. He says he loves me but "has to have a divorce." He seems to be in a deep depression and sees and talks very little to his children. I talked with him over the phone about 6 weeks ago and he cried and told me he was "nothing and that he felt as if he had "come to the end of the road." He is seeing a counselor but says it is not to "save the marriage but to help him come to terms with his problems." He has already filed for divorce, and seems to think that once he is rid of me that his problems will be resolved.<P>I have tried to talk with him but he is always very agitated when I try and discusss the marriage and what went wrong. Says he will not "rehash the past" with me, that he just wants to get on with his life. When we have talked he can be very callous and cold yet he says he has no anger toward me. I finally told him that I expecting from here on out to be treated with respect, the same respect that he had always treated me with. I have cried and told him I love him and want him to come home but have not begged him. I feel such frustration over the situation. I would walk through hell to save our marriage but I don't know how to do it alone.<BR>Nothing I do seems to help, if I'm nice to him it angers him if I get upset it angers him. He no longer seems to be the man I married. In fact he seems to think that I am the root of all evil in his life and although he says he "has no agenda to hurt me" seems to do exactly what he knows will hurt me in the long run. I've read books on mid-life crisis and male depression trying to understand it all. I have to say that I am at a loss and don't know what else to do. Please help if it is at all possible.<P>Cathy

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

HollyAnn,<P>Thanks for your response, you have been very helpful. I spent most of the night last night reading Love Must Be Tough and found it helpful but couldn't quite figure out how to put his theory to work in my situation. I understand so much more now that I have read your response. My husband is as you say a "giver" and I used to often question him on how he found it so easy to put his needs aside. I wish that he could have been more honest with me about his needs. He worked so hard to not be the kind of husband and father that his "absent" father was, I thing he went to far in the wrong direction instead of finding some middle ground where he could take care of himself and still feel that he was giving his family what they needed. I think he has probably suffered a severe loss of autonomy and is out there flailing around trying to figure out who he is and what he needs. As cruel as he has been over the last few months my heart aches for him. He is a kind and gentle man and I don't know why he failed to let me do for him the things he did for me. <P>I'm almost certain that he is going through a clinical depression. He is a military man, a pilot, and will not consent to seeing a DR. He fears the diagnosis and what it would do to his career and I can understand this because at the moment his career is all he has. I will write the letter as you suggest, I will set him free. One day he will hopefully come home. I love this man dearly and I only want him to be happy. When I tell him that I won't be lying and if he can only find happiness away from me then I will have to learn to live with that. All I want at the moment is to put my arms around him, to take care of him the way he always took care of me. Why did he find it so hard to show his weaknesses in front of me? It is all so frustrating!!<P>cathy

Here is a quick update on the situation with my husband and I. I got an e-mail from him saying that he wanted to come by yesterday morning and pick up the rest of his stuff. My heart just sank. I was so nervous about being around him but I did well when he did get here. I was very pleasant, even helped him go through some of his things and managed to get him to laugh at a few of my silly jokes. There was no talk of the marriage, I don't think he is ready to go there yet. It always seems to agitate him and drive him away when I bring the subject up. He was here for about two and a half hours and we really did have our first pleasant time alone together in over 3 months, I of course hate that it was under such circumstances but I'll take any chance I can to remind him of how we used to be together. He seems to be doing okay but then again I'm sure he got the same impression from me. There were some indications as to his state of mind though, he didn't even know that it was April and time to file our tax return and seemed to know very little of the details of the divorce complaint he had filed against me. He told me he was working 12 hours a day and watching videos on the weekend. I think he has immersed himself in his work and is not allowing himself to think about much else. I don't know if this is a good sign or not.<P>I sent him off yesterday with a letter telling him that I loved him and hoped he would one day want to work on the marriage. I also told him that if he felt that the only way he could be happy was to be away from me that I would let him go. It scares me to say these things because I feel like I am only making it easier to do what he is doing, kind of aiding and abedding I guess. The only thing I know to do now is sit back and wait and hope that he will one day want to come home.<P>Cathy