My H and I have had a very difficult 8 months...well, I don't know that he has, but I have. It started with what I felt was an overly close friendship with a woman who is now a former co-worker. He knows I'm uncomfortable with the friendship, but refuses to give it up. Right now it involves E-mail and occasional phone calls only.<P>He is currently out of work for the third time since last August. He was fired last August after 3-1/2 years for giving the CEO the finger after the latter insulted some of my H's work friends. He regards this as having integrity and loyalty to his friends. He soon got another job and was fired after six months because of some projects that went bad. He soon got a three-month consulting that was terminated after 2-1/2 weeks because he had stabilized the environment and the company had decided not to upgrade the system. Losing this contract made him more distraught than even the two firings.<P>During each of these periods of unemployment I have tried to be supportive and understanding, and to his credit, he has gotten right on the case about getting another job. But because he backs himself into these corners, he's then faced with a position where he feels he has to take the first thing that comes along.<P>This situation is very stressful for me, because I am left holding the bag for all the bills. Three years ago we finally bought a house (we are in our mid-40's), and I think he feels that if we didn't have the house, it wouldn't be so bad when he loses his jobs. I refuse to apologize for having wanted a house at age 40...this does not strike me as being unreasonable for a couple with close to a six-figure income when we both work.<P>This morning he interviewed successfully for a job that's only a 7-month contract. The money isn't that good for consulting; after self-employment tax and other expenses, it's less than he was making a year ago. BUT...the woman he's friends with got him the interview. He asked me what I thought about it, and I told him I wasn't going to tell him what to do, but that I felt a) the money wasn't that good when he has at least four other good prospects in the hopper; b) we had already established that he doesn't cope will with consulting; he does better when he can be part of an organization; c) this contract would put him out of work again around Christmas, and no one hires around that time.<P>I would rather he wait for something permanent, even if it takes a few months longer now; than have this end-of-contract hanging over our heads. I think he'd feel better, and I know I would.<P>He seems to feel that I'm opposed to him taking this gig because his friend got him the interview. Now...would I PREFER that he get something without her help? Of course. Because I have no idea what kind of "obligation" he'll feel towards her if she "gets him a job". (She's single.) But if this was a permanent full-time job that he really wanted, I'd grit my teeth, deal with the "obligation" manifestation when it comes. <P>Bottom line: He's now angry with me, and I'm ready to explode. I have let so much run off my back with this man...unstable work history, depression, having to be wife, lover, AND mommy to this man. I've always feared his angry because I felt that if he was angry, he'd leave me. That's MY baggage. But I can't life scared anymore. Nor can I be a doormat anymore. I never ask anything of him...I do all the housework and most of the yardwork. I make sure the bills get paid and the taxes get done. When I felt threatened by this woman and wanted to fight for my marriage, I'M the one who confessed to having neglected him for so many years, and worked hard to improve our sex life (which succeeded, until this latest round of unemployment). I've been willing to do all the work in this marriage, but I can't do it alone anymore. I'm tired, tired, tired. I'm tired of doing it all and getting no thanks for it. I'm tired of not being able to plan for home improvements or my future because I never know when he'll have another car accident (he had 3 in six months) or be out of work again. I'm tired of him never acknowledging how it benefits him that I'm always there to bail him out, to be supportive, to make sure he has a roof over his head when he loses his jobs. I'm tired of hearing about how his first loyalty is to these (expletive deleted) friends whom he hardly ever sees anymore, rather than to me.<P>If I'd wanted a baby, I'd have had one.<P>Thanks for listening. <P>

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Well, if you've seen my posting on the Infidelity board, you know what's going on.<P>He took the job she referred him for, and he's already had a conflict about who he answers to -- the guy who signs his checks or the company who's employee referred him (they are a vendor to the company he's working for).<P>I've done everything I know how to do to deal with the situation. Because the job is making me freak out as much as it is, I decided to seek counseling. I told him last Sunday that I was going back into therapy (after 14 years without) because I had "some emotional problems" that I felt I needed help with. He was very supportive, and kind, and said that we make a good time, and I'm his wife, partner, and best friend, and if there's anything he can do to help, to let him know. I then tentatively brought up this friendship, and told thim that I felt threatened by it. He refuses to give it up, but he did not seem angry when I asked him to be up-front about it and stop sneaking around. I told him that with the phone calls always when I'm not home, and the secretiveness about his E-mail, what did he expect me to think?<P>What's bizarre about this is that ever since last August, the sex has been GREAT. Now with the new job, the frequency isn't what I'd like. He's terrified of getting fired again, so he went in yesterday for about 4 hours and today for about 2....or so he says. He takes his briefcase, but my mind is racing.<P>I don't know if he's having an affair or not. I have talked to him a few times in the last week and told him that if there was anything he needed he should tell me, or anything that bothers him, he should tell me, and I'd do the same. The only thing is, I can't live up to it, because then I'd be constantly asking him for reassurance that he's not having an affair. And he gives lip service to openness, but when I ask him what he'd like, he says "Nothing. You're doing fine." Even in bed. I'm willing to experiment, but he won't tell me anything he might want that I don't do. He's never been very adventurous on that front, but still...<P>I even offered to give him all MY E-mail passwords so he can see that my nose is clean on this matter.<P>Yeah, my giver is tired. Dead tired. I've been giving for 15 years. And yet, my own psyche won't let me take, because then I'm not in control of the situation. This is stuff I'm working on with the therapist.<P>The good thing is that I have very little appetite, so some of my extra weight is starting to come off.<P>But yesterday I knew I'd go nuts worrying about whether he really went to set up the new office, so I went to a movie. That helped, somewhat. <P>My biggest problem right now is the worry about the friendship, and whether it's an affair. I have no direct evidence. Unlike most people on these boards, I don't think you can FORCE someone to give up a friendship -- not without a whole lot of resentment. And since I'm somewhat suspicious and paranoid by nature (as well as perimenopausal), I'm not convinced my perceptions are accurate either.<P>And yet I hate this waiting around to find out either way.<P>So I'm trying to eliminate the lovebusters, take care of myself through the counseling, and hope for the best. But sometimes I just go on crying jags.....

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

The problem is, I really don't know how EXTENSIVE the friendship is. My problem is that I hate that it even exists.<P>The last time we talked, when I told him I was seeking counseling, he didn't balk at including me in the friendship. I told him that if he needed to go to her house, that I wanted to go with him -- and he didn't object.<P>The reason I'm in counseling is because my suspicions coincide with our reaching income parity as well as the friendship. I have self-esteem problems that tell me "If he doesn't need you for money, he has no reason to stay". I also have problems with any kind of competition, whether it's over money (with him) or over a man (with her). I always assume I'm going to lose. That's why I'm back in therapy.<P>I know he feels bad that I'm back in -- he says he "drove me back into therapy", but doesn't understand how.<P>He shows few to none of the usual signs of an affair. He's kind, loving, affectionate, and seems perfectly normal. We don't have sex as much as I'd like to but we are still at once a week, and it's very, very good. <P>He's home every night by 6:30. Really, the only thing that would be a trigger is the working weekends. But having been fired twice in the last 8 months, and having a new job where he's expected to get a fast start out of the gate, that stands to reason. Saturday he left at 6:30 AM and said he hoped to be home by two -- and was home by 1 PM (I went to the movies). Sunday he left at noon and said he hoped to be home by 3 and was home by 2:30. I always ask him how it went, and he always tells me what he did.<P>Now, either he's wrapping a big package of lies, or the guy is just trying to do a good job and not get fired again.<P>I do not like that he has contact with this woman through the job, but that's something I can't change. And a look through his E-mail cabinet shows NOTHING other than friendly, "what's new" stuff. A co-worker whose wife had an affair and is now having affairs of his own says that e-mail between participants in an affair is NEVER "just friendly."<P>So it's possible that all that's going on here is a) I feel inadequate compared to her because I'm not thin (though I'm working on losing some weight, and I've told him so) and I'm not a party girl (he's not a party guy); and b) I feel no longer in control because I don't make most of the money.<P>What I'm trying to do is get my own self-esteem back up so I don't create a self-fulfilling prophesy if there's nothing there.<P>He's talking about us taking a really nice vacation next year (maybe Tahiti), so he ain't looking to leave.<P>I've tried to talk to him a bit about love units and lovebusters and he looks at me like I'm nuts. But I have told him that if there's an emotional need he has that I'm not meeting, she can let me know; and I'd do the same. Unfortunately, one of my emotional needs is for him to get out of contact with this woman, and he's not about to do that. But being naggy, whiny, and clingy is CERTAINLY not going to help me in any perceived "competition" I'm in with her. The other thing to keep in mind is that this circle of friends he has now (of which she is a part) is the first friends he's had outside our relationship in all the time we've been together. It's always been just me, and that's kept my green monster at bay until now.

\<BR><p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Well, it's too late.<P>Last night I became panicky and couldn't sleep. He came in at 4 AM (he gets up at 3) to get his sneakers and asked me what was wrong...and I made the mistake of telling him.<P>It became a big row, the details of which are posted on the infidelity board.<P>He denies everything, even being friends with this woman, when I know that they make E-mail plans to get together. I know that Thursday or Friday this week, he's going to tell me he's working late, because I saw E-mail that they are planning to get together.<P>He yells at me that I don't trust him, that 15 years of faithfulness should tell me something, that I should have enough faith in myself to trust him.<P>He just doesn't get it. Yes, I have a lot of self-esteem issues. I am also in perimenopause and that is wreaking havoc on my mood and my self-image. St. John's Wort is not helping. He feels guilty about "driving me back into therapy", but not guilty enough to help me feel better about US. He's far more empathetic to things SHE'S going through than what I'm going through.<P>At any rate, we've now had this big bustup and I am now the naggy, clingy, impossible wife, while SHE is the happy-go-lucky, vivacious party girl.<P>I'm sure when I go home tonight, he'll tell me it's over.<P>

\<BR><p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

No, he didn't leave, and he wasn't angry. If anything, he seems very sad. He doesn't understand what's upsetting me at all.<P>I got home last night and he was playing Quake. He's very huggy and very affectionate, but there's a sadness to it that I don't like. <P>I know he did something with his E-mail because his file cabinet date was last night around 6 PM. I did NOT look at the file this morning. I was going to, and I started getting heart palpitations and panic, and decided that if I was going to get through a day at work, I couldn't do it. <P>He is not happy about the new job. He thinks it's the job that has me upset, not that it means contact with HER. And yet, he also feels he has a conflict of interest between the two companies. This is bunk, of course. His loyalty should be to the guy who signs his checks. But clearly he has a bad case of "Please like me" with this OW, and if he does anything to make HER company angry (like buy equipment elsewhere), it bothers him.<P>Bottom line: I am getting nothing from this marriage, except too-infrequent sex and the knowledge that I am married to a handsome guy. That's it. I cater to him, and I give him love and support and caring and what do I get in return? He devotes more empathy to this OW when her CAT dies than he does to me. He thinks he cares. He thinks he's loving. <P> Right now I am so full of rage I can't see straight. I do all the cleaning, all the laundry (he can't figure out how to sort it), and most of the yardwork. When he's working, he comes home at night stressed out and just wants to sit and watch TV and have me rub his back until he can't stay awake another minute (usually around 8:30-9 PM) and then he goes to sleep. For a while there was occasional sex during the week; that's gone now too. It's back to once a week. He knows I want more. I've told him. But during one of our LAST bust-ups, he told me it was controlling for me to always want to set the agenda of when we do it.<P>I have tried to relinquish some of my need for control. But right now it's hard, because i feel so helpless about this "friendship" with the OW (which now he says isn't even that close).<P>I could write a whole ton more, but that's enough for now, this is getting long.<P>Thanks to you all for your help, support, and feedback. It really does help. I don't want to share this with my real-world friends. You know how they get -- they shun you because they fear it might be contagious.<BR>

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]