Hello,<BR>My fiance and I have been engaged 6 months, dating a year & half. We have both been married before, with children - non-Christian marrages - and are both very committed Christians. Having a God-based marriage and family unit, with church a big part of our family, is VERY important to both of us.<BR>The problem is, we are from pretty different types of churches and styles of worship. Although we are both Christian and have the most BASIC beliefs the same, his church is an Assembly of God/more charismatic church, and mine is a non-demoniational, but more of a contemporary Baptist type church.<P>Each of our churches meant a lot to us, basically saved our lives and changed us so much. The problem is, now that we are planning our marriage and future, we have been looking for a new church to go to together, as our family, and we are having great difficulty finding anything we both can agree on. He wants a more charismatic type church, and while I don't mind some elements of that, the "full" thing with speaking in tongues and laying on of hands, etc just makes me very uncomfortable. Maybe it is part of my former distrust of religion and its hypocrits, but it seems to be a phony show type of thing to me. I just don't get anything out of it. I have tried to compromise, and honestly feel I have compromised much more than he has - I have gone more toward that type of church, much further away from the kind I use to go to, that I would pick if it were just me to consider.<P>However, my fiance feels that he NEEDS that type of church, when he goes to anything less he just feels there is something missing. I don't think he's trying to be selfish or controlling...because he is not at all like that in any other area of our relationship. He is a very giving, loving man who will do anything for me. But as a new Christian, he changed and found so much in that type of church that he feels he needs, in order to be the kind of man and husband he wants to be. And he's afraid of losing that. However, I just can't feel comfortable in the extreme Charismatic type of church.<P>Does anyone have any suggestions? We have prayed about it, we have tried different churches. This is our only major area of conflict, but it has been a continuous struggle and I am just so tired right now.<BR><P>------------------<BR>

I too need an answer to this question. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. We have recently had problems and he has decided he needs to attend church, which we have never done. He too is from the Charismatic type church and won't even consider going to another church. I too have some major philosophical problems with this type of church. I am not criticizing those who attend but I do not feel comfortable there. I do not come from a religious upbringing, but I know that I will never be able to accept some of the ways of "his" church. This issue is so strong to him that he says it can be a major issue in us trying to keep our marriage together. I asked him to at least consider going to some different churches and maybe we could find a church that would be "our" church, but he won't budge an inch. So what do I do? Go to his church and just sit there in silence and endure it? To me this is the heighth of hypocrisy to sit there in a church whose beliefs and idealologies are not mine. Someb ody please give some insight into this.

Lea,<BR>Thanks for your post. I don't get why they are so uncompromising and dogmatic on this, of all types of issues. To me, it just seems to go against the very heart of what spirituality is all about. It seems very sad and ironic to me that one whom supposedly loves you more than anyone else in the world, can be so unmoving and inconsiderate of the other's feelings in this issue. It seems that they are willing to ruin the relationship over it. And this issue, of all issues.....which is supposed to be based on total unconditional love, acceptance, respect, etc.<BR>It baffles me. You would think someone who was very spiritual like this would be the epitome of love and caring and respect, not an unbudging dogmatic type. My fiance has tried to explain it this way - that he is filled with a spiritual renewal through the activities at his church, and he just doesn't get that anywhere else. Therefore, he feels empty and lacking anywhere else, and that makes his spiritual life suffer. And since this is the most important area of his life....<P>Well, that all sounds well and good, but in light of what Christianity is all about it still sounds selfish to me. Especially when you consider that the other person in his life is willing and desires to share this with him, just in a way that meets both our needs. I could understand it more if I was a non-Christian who just wanted nothing to do with church at all. Also, since I AM a very strong Christian myself, I really question the way he seems to depend on so many EXTERNAL things (the church, their ways, the pastor, etc) for his spiritual health. I believe that your spirituality and your relationship with God are INTERNAL things that you cultivate, and that if you have a strong relationship with God He will provide what you need. I mean, let's face it, his pastor could die tomorrow, his church could burn to the ground....if this is what he is relying on for his spirituality then what happens? Does he lose it all?<P>I, too have a lot of questions. In your case the best advice I can give you at this point is give it a little time. It sounds from your posting that your H is a brand new Christian (this is a very recent thing?) If this is so, he will probably need what he's getting at his church for a while. It is like a starving, thirsting man trapped in the desert for 50 years, then suddenly he comes to an oasis. he is not likely to be able to leave it for a while. He is just soaking up the new exciting things that he has been missing for so long.<P>I know that in my situation, a year ago my fiance also could not even dream of leaving his church, of even visiting or considering ANY other church. However, now he feels he has gotten what he needs there to grow as a Christian, and he feels comfortable about going elsewhere. We have been visiting other churches and in fact went to one this past weekend that we both liked a lot.<P>So don't despair, especially if this is brand new to your H, give him time to soak up what he needs. My main concern I would ask of him is, is he keeping an open heart and mind to where God would lead him, and is he truly respecting your needs? The Bible tells husbands to love their wives as Jesus loved the church...therefore, the wives needs must be PARAMOUNT to the decisions made by the husbands. As long as your H is in constant prayer to God about this, is seeking God's will (not his own), and TRULY has an open heart about where God would lead him, then you will be okay. However, if he is just being stubborn, wants what he wants, and is not even praying about it or seeking God's will, he is in trouble (not only with your relationship but in his relationship with God, too.)<BR>I hope this helps. Since we are in much the same boat, if you ever want to email each other privately please feel free to send me a message at shelley@rpsrelocation.com.

One other thing, Lea, I thought of that I would mention to your husband. Breaking up a relationship over this issue is one thing for me and my fiance....we are not married yet, and this is one of many issues that couples must face and see if they can resolve BEFORE committing themselves in marriage.<P>However, once you are ALREADY marriage, a Christian is BOUND to that marriage. If your husband is truly a Christian, for him to even suggest dissolving your marriage over this issue is the height of hypocrisy. He needs to understand that his FIRST priority, after God, is to YOU and your marriage. For him to even consider ending your marriage over this issue suggests to me that he is either USING this church thing for his own selfish purposes (and is not truly growing as a Christian), or he is an extremely immature Christian who is just focusing on one thing and not the bigger picture, which is love and a committment to marriage, both subjects of which Jesus and the Bible speak TONS on.