My husband and I have been married for 3 years and have been together for almost 6 years. This is a second marriage for both of us, and we both have 2 children from our first marriages. His daughters are 13 and 9, mine are 9 and 7. Recently (about 6 weeks ago) his oldest daughter called me crying and told me that her mothers live in boyfriend had molested her. H and I went right away and got her, called the police and filed a report. We got temp. custody of both girls and are going to court in a month to get full custody. The problems are many, and it seems the solutions are few. My H treats his kids much better than he does my children. My girls get yelled at, and when he disciplins my kids, they get it in front of everyone else in the house...but when his girls are in trouble, he takes them to a private room and everyone comes out laughing. His 9 year old is considerably larger than my 9 year old and is constantly pushing her, and once even slapped my daughter in the mouth. My H saw this, but did not reprimand his daughter. Every morning is a struggle to get his 9 yr old dressed and ready for school. Yesterday I told her that if she wasnt dressed by the time the bus came, she would be sent to the bus stop in her PJ's...when her father came home, she told him about it, and that caused a fight between he and I. But this was the exact same technique he used on my daughter to get her to speed up in the morning (he put her out on the porch in the rain one morning in her PJ's). When I tell his 9 yr old to clean her room, she tells me she doesnt have to listen to me, then I raise my voice and tell her she DOES have to listen to me, then she cries to her dad that she is going back to live with her mother. I feel like I am walking on eggshells, and I hate it. I love my husband dearly, and I love his kids. I know they are going through an adjustment right now, but so are the rest of us. The list goes on and on...my kids bring home A's on tests and show them to my H and he says in a flat voice 'That's nice'...his daughters bring home B's and he says 'Great job! Keep up the good work!' The other day my 9 year old told me 'Mommy, Scott treats his kids like angels and me and sissy like ugly witches!' Oh how that broke my heart!! I am at the end of my rope. When I try to talk to my H about things, he gets defensive, no matter how gentle I am about the subject, and says things like 'Fine! If that's the way you feel I will just take my BRATS and leave!!!' Not once have I ever called his kids brats. We never fought about anything until his kids came to live with us. And I know what most of you are thinking, 'All couples fight'...well we didnt. We could always sit down and talk things out before they got out of control...but not now. Everything causes a fight, and that just kills me. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks for taking the time to read all this rambling.

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Boy, that's a tough situation. I really don't know what to tell you...I can only imagine how hard this must be.<P>The only thing that comes to mind that I wanted to share with you is, your husband has to have some reason why he is treating your children so differently. Does he seem to even realize he's doing it? You have obviously tried to talk to him about it, and it sounds like he gets defensive and doesn't want to hear it. Maybe he feels inadequate to be a parent to your children, maybe he's jealous of your children, maybe he feels very insecure with his children, or feels bad that he's not with them all the time, so he's trying to go lighter on them to make up for that. You didn't say whether your children lived with the two of you before your stepchildren came (I am assuming so) - if so, the fact that he has been the divorced father, not living with them, etc may be why he's giving them preferential treatment.<P>I honestly think that this man needs some professional counseling. There has to be some reason he is treating the children differently, and he needs to get at the bottom of the root cause and he MUST work on it. Because this is going to do horrible things to all children involved, especially yours. If it were me, I could simply not stand by and watch while this lasting emotional damage was done to my children. <P>I don't know what other advice to give you, but I feel your H must talk to someone about this problem and try to figure out why he's doing this so that he can find some solutions. <P>------------------<BR>

Jo-ann: Keep trying. I assume your husband expresses his love for you also, and during times of just the two of you, everything is okay. There are many reasons your husband may be showing more caring to his own children. If you've read any John Gray--men are more logical; women are more emotional and capable of showing love easily. Before your husband's children came to live with you, was he basically affectionate to your children, or is it just now, with his kids, that you're seeing a marked difference in his demonstrativeness toward yours? I'm sure he feels very guilty for having left his daughters and his ex's b/f molesting the one and is somehow trying to make up for "abandoning them." <P>Read as much as you can about blended families. It helped me a lot in my situation. My SO has a 9 yr. old son and I have two daughters, 15 and 9. Same thing...if any affection was shown easily by him, it was to his son. We went round and round about that, and also punishments and discipline. For months, even if the taking away of privileges was the same for the two 9 yr olds, it was viewed as unfair because at least my SO hugged his son and talked to him afterwards, and this cuddling was not extended to my daughter. Her feelings were very hurt. My SO expressed his feelings of guilt to me, because his son is not always with us as my children are. He said he feels he has to "make it up to him." (which is the wrong approach! Special relationships must develop with all the children for harmony to reign.)<P>As soon as possible, convince your hubby that all is fair and equal with your children. Discipline MUST be the same, and in front of the other children, meted out the SAME. No more differences in discussions with the girls; they are either in front of all, or all behind closed doors. But first, the toughest part. If either of you are unsure what the other would want in a situation, DO NOT discipline. I know it creates for mass chaos at first, but it's a retraining of what the actual rules are for you adults! This will stop the nasty arguments between the two of you afterwards--they only breed resentment and a breakdown in the family nucleus. And remember, in the midst of all of this, you're trying to instill warmth and caring in all 4 girls toward adults who are not their biological parents. It's VERY difficult, and takes TIME. <P>Take time for just you and your girls. Let him take time with his. And vice versa, spend time with his daughters and he spend time with yours. And those ever-important all-togethers. Convince him, lovingly and caringly, that these things must be.<P>But most importantly, set the rules, your family rules, possibly different from what the kids were used to, but your FAMILY rules. ("but that's not what we did when we were with mom...." "that was the situation at your mom's, this is here and our rules.-smile") Decide how to handle household chores, how privileges are earned and revoked, and maintain fairness and shows of caring consistently. <P>I realize it will be a tough road to convince your husband. Kids are very resilient, they also will settle down and act better with each other, and you, with time and understanding what the family rules are. And they also will be more understanding of the special relationships, yours with you, and his with him, as time passes. Keep trying, and good luck !!

Hi,<P>This isn't really advice for you... the other posts seem to have more information for you... I just want to let you know that I feel for you and the situation you are in. <P>I too, am in a similar situation. My H has children from a prev. marriage... they used to live with us... but so many problems came up for so many reasons... they now live with their mother. Although I can't honestly say that I am disappointed about this... I can tell you that it has not helped our marriage one iota. <P>My H goes out of his way to make time for visiting his children, but NEVER makes time for my children (mine live with us). His job keeps him at work practically 24/7, and he feels tremendous guilt over allowing his kids to return to their mother... he therefore finds all kinds of reasons to justify his lack of attention for my children. <P>He says that he sees mine "every day" (for 5 min. before he leaves for work) and he "doesn't see his kids at all"... but if you add up those 5 minutes for the entire WEEK... it equals all of 35 minutes.... compared to the 3 HOURS every week that he spends with his own. <P>Of course this causes problems with my own children because they see the effort being made toward the other kids, and not for them. They know that they don't really see him either... and they know that he doesn't care to see then. It is painful for them, and at this point... there is nothing I can do about it. <P>So, I am lost as to a solution... because he does not consider my children to also be HIS children, and therefore is justified. <P>Good luck... I can totally relate to your situation... If you find something that helps... please let me know...email me at: postsonly@bigfoot.com <p>[This message has been edited by SadQT (edited May 08, 1999).]