My husband and I started going to a marriage counselor last week. After our first session, the counselor wanted us to come in separately, so we each have had a separate session as well. Now we are going back in next week together. The whole situation is strange. The therapist can't figure out what the problem is. He doesn't think it's marital, although, I do. That is, my husband's own private and personal problems are having a bearing on our marriage. The counselor thinks my husband needs to come in alone more because he is reluctant to speak his mind in front of me. During my separate session, he wondered why I was there. He thought I was fine...and I am. I explained to him that it was my husband's unwillingness to communicate his problems and concerns to me that is bothering me. The therapist asked why he doesn't, after all, I'm his wife. I agreed. I said he had to ask my husband. I reiterated that I wanted to open-up our lines of communication so my husband would realize I am here for him and always will be. The counselor agreed that we would work on that. Now he wants my husband and I to come up with a game plan on how we want to work on a resolution. I mentioned that to my husband and he said absolutely nothing. All he said was that it was the counselor's job to do that. My husband refuses to tell me anything. He keeps everything bottled-up inside until it erupts. I almost feel sorry for him.<P>So I am not sure that this counseling is improving anything. I feel comfortable and happy in our marriage. I wish my husband felt the same. <p>[This message has been edited by staceym (edited April 22, 1999).]

Stacey,<BR>I have a question, did you read the second to last sentence in your post?<P>Marriage is a union of two people. It is sharing, communicating, and trusting. Do you have this?<P>A counselor's job is to try to help people help themselves. They do NOT give the answers. <P>Why not look at yourself and make a list. This is what makes me happy. This is what makes me sad. Maybe ask your counselor for excerises or "homework" for you and your husband to help develope trust, communcation, etc. I wish you luck!

My husband stated that it was the counselor's job, not me. I know that the counselor is just there to help us help ourselves. I am just trying to get my husband to see it that way. He has been a little resistant. We have an appointment together tomorrow. I hope we all agree on "a plan of action," as the counselor calls it. I think it's just helping my husband being able to talk to someone. I just wish that someone could be me.<BR>Thank you for your comments.

It must be so hard for you to keep reaching out to your husband and him have such difficulties accepting. I admire your strength! Just try to hang in there. I think that that there is only so much one can do in a marriage. It sounds like your husband is in a tough place with his past, and dealing with the past is very difficult. But don't lose yourself in this either. And I am sorry I have no advice on how in the world to combine all that. <P>

We went to our counseling session and it went miserably. There was a lot of bickering and snapping at each other. We don't normally do that. The counselor decided to have us go individually and see different counselors. I don't agree with that because I'd like to work through things together...but I'm not a psychologist. I hope it helps.

Stacey,<BR>Hi- I think you should hang in there a little longer. Sometimes these things are really buried; sometimes it will take awhile for him to even find the words to say what "it" is. Sometimes it will take while for him to feel safe to say anything. I have been there. Also, sometimes you really paddle up the wrong creek- only to find that wasn't the problem at all it was something else entirely--but remember that you had to paddle up that creek to find out- so it seems like wasted time and expense, but four you and your spouse, it was the only way at this moment to get there. For example: I said to my couselor"My husband is so complex!" he replied (after a separate session)" He's really simple- he's not complicated" I said (before) "I think he's unhappy because he is not living up to his potential" The councelor said "He's quite happy where he is" --> I was making agenda for him. You see? It turned out to be more my problem than his. He had a problem with my judgement. <BR>Hope this helps -hang in there<BR>Mary