I was watching Oprah with my future wife last night and the topic of the show was how troubles in marriages affect the children. The guest was a Ph.D in Behavioral Science, he stated that children know when their is no love between spouses and when there are problems in the marriage. He also stated that children are completely changed as individuals when there is hostility in the household. The children are scarred for life. When they enter school, the children only think that they are the only chilren that experience this type of situation in the household. They start to feel worthless and it erodes any self-esteem that is built before the problems began. They are constantly in fear that their parents are going to separate and it eats into their very innocent souls. The Dr.(can't remember his name) also stated that if parents are to have children, they absolutely need to come first in the family. Don't put your own selfish needs before your children he said. Also, he told of how children learn from what they see, hear, and feel in the household and that a strong foundation of who they are and what morals, character, and integrity are built during early years of their childhood. The preparation for life is given to the children by their parents.<P>My questions to the entire forum is:<P>1. Have you noticed changes in you all's children since the affair(s) started?<P>2. How are you dealing with the issues with the children?<P>3. Finally, do you think that they are aware of what is going on in the household?<BR>

I don't have children, but I was a child in a house with that kind of discord, and here are my experiences.<P>My parents fought from as early as I can remember. I have vivid memories of sitting in the basement cringing in a corner while they fought.<P>When I was 9, my mother attempted suicide and was hospitalized for three weeks. We didn't know where she was, nor were we allowed to see her.<P>By the time my father actually told us he was leaving (3 years later), it was almost a relief. But my mother was a basket case -- bitter, angry, depressed. I became the man of the house. I cooked, cleaned, painted, changed lightbulbs. My sister was undergoing a difficult adolescence. Each time we'd see my father, my mother would sit me down and grill me for every word he said. If she didn't think I was giving her enough information, she'd grill me some more -- like an interrogation of a spy.<P>At one point, she decided that moving to NY City was the answer to her social life. I was a very short, un-athletic, geeky kid, and since she couldn't afford private school, I was terrified at the though of going to NYC public schools. She didn't care. I forget why she decided not to move.<P>At the same time, my father kept brandishing "I'm going to make you sell the house and move into an apartment" as a weapon.<P>As a result of all this, I am the peacemaker. I have what's called "adaptive child/critical parent" problems, in which case I always have to be the one who fixes things. I am the caregiver, I am the nurturer. I am the one who has to swallow emotions and anger so that the other person is free to be a basket case.<P>I no longer live out this scenario with my mother; I do it with my husband and at my job.<P>And that's what this sort of thing can do in a child's life.<P>Does this answer your question?

Dazed,<P>Thanks for responding. It did help. I have never experience any parental fighting because my father left my mother before I was born. They were both very young (teenagers). They were never married.

My son started doing things that were out of character. He got administrative detention for several "attention getting" pranks. Got overly aggressive during soccer and purposely tried to hurt opponents. After soccer season the aggressive behavior turned inward and he started a lot of camping. Got caught drinking in the national forest, and we had to hire an atty to keep his record clean. Then one day I came home early and found him in his car with it running, in the dark garage listening to a cd. Asked him what in the hell he was doing and he said "I just want to end it all". At the moment I called a therapist, pulled him out of wrestling for a while (he would have to cut 20 lbs. at a time before a match and that added fuel to the fire). I am happy to say the therapy worked and he graduated with honors. Is very well adjusted at school now and knows he had nothing to do with the problems mom and dad are having. Too bad he had to be at home during all this.<P>Our 22 year old daughter, on the other hand, is in denial and won't answer my e-mails or telephone calls since she knows I have moved. She tends to be a little spoiled, though, so I'm just letting her cool her heels.

Our five youngest kids (the oldest was at college during the affair) had absolutely no idea that their father would ever leave, although they noticed that we argued "a medium amount" during the months before he left (coinciding with the onset of the affair). His leaving was a complete shock to them. Before the affair, they couldn't have noticed "no love between the spouses" because there was - I loved him and as far as I could tell he loved me. Since he left, the oldest two have lost all love and respect for their father, and the 16 year old won't talk to him. They have very little respect for men in general. The 13 year old is extremely sad and disillusioned, and more prone to arguing with his sisters. The 9 and 7 year olds are much more affectionate toward me than they used to be. The 7 year old in particular tells me over and over again how much she loves me, and is extremely solicitous if I so much as stub my toe. One of the kids has said that they are afraid of antagonizing their father, for fear that he will stop loving them, but not as afraid of antagonizing me, because I didn't leave them. Only the 3 year old, who doesn't talk much, has not shown any major effects yet but a few weeks after he left she stopped mentioning his name except when he is physically present. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited August 27, 1999).]

The only thing I would disagree (slightly... this may be a semantics issue more than anything else) is the doctor's statement that if you have kids, they need to come before everything else. Well, my commentary on that is, that's exactly what I did in my first marriage, and it ended. My H and I let our marriage go to the wayside because we made our daughter the center of our life. <P>I truly believe the marriage has to come first, but not in a selfish way or a way that excludes the children. If the marriage doesn't come first and is allowed to erode like my first marriage did, what does that do to the kids??? <P>My daughter was only 18 months old when my H and I divorced, so I can't really say how she might be different. It's pretty much all she's ever known.<P>Singer

Singer is absolutely correct. The marriage comes first. If you are happy in the marriage relationship, then the relationship with the kids can only be better!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

ENOUGH-just about 5 weks after I was told abut the affair I took my kids to a place where the OW also took her kids. The minute my youngest saw the OW (who used to be a best friend) he ran up and hugged all over her. My embarrassment told me to get him off her-fast! But he didn't listen and I was so shocked and all that I just waited until he got done hugging her. Then later when I thought about it I realized I never did anything wrong-let her feel real bad as he obviously doesnt have a clue as to anything. I did feel though that maybe I needed to tell my kids that we werent really friends any more-jsut so they wouldnt put me in a position like that again. well I got advice first-and I was told DO NOT SAY A WORD. I was told the kids would pick up on the vibes and just slowly detach themselves. And so I said nothing and so far so good. I do feel badly though as the kids must wonder-and it isn't fair they ahve to do that but they also wouldnt not benefit from knowing daddy slept with her. So-I just hope with time they won't be damaged by any of this. I hope I kind of answered.