I am in desperate need of advice here. I won't go into a long story at this time. My commom-law husband and I have been together for about 7 years. Lately, we seem to disagree on almost everything. He was raised in a very strict household, where children were simply not allowed to make mistakes. His father was in charge, or as he puts it "ruled" the household. There was very little respect shown towards his mother by his father. I was raised entirely differently. Although there was some rather harsh discipline in my family, I was taught that both people in a relationship were equal. One did not rule the other. My mother had just as much say as my father, and sometimes even more because my father respected my mother's wisdom a great deal. I received an email from my husband yesterday where he states that because he is the man he rules the house. That is the way that God intended it to be. His decisions are the right ones because he is "the man". He feels that we would not have so much chaos in our household if things were only done his way. This completely floored me. Although I have always known that he held these beliefs to a certain extent, I had no idea that they were this radical. I am still sitting here trying to pick my jaw up off floor. Nothing I can say or do will change this belief. I have tried to reason with him by saying that a marriage is an equal partnership, based on love, trust and mutual respect. However, when I try to present an opinion or when I disagree with his opinion, he manipulates me to the point where I either just back off, or stand up for myself and fight. This causes him to get even more aggressive. He feels this is his right as a man!<P>I don't know what to do anymore. After receiving his email yesterday, I feel that we have a major problem. We simply do not see eye to eye a major fundamental cornerstone of our relationship. I am struggling right now trying to decide if I should continue in this relationship. Can I remain with someone who holds such radical views and beliefs? I have no right to change his beliefs...they are his, just as he has no right to change mine. But can I actually live with someone who's views differ so much from mine?

I was legally married to a man for almost 10 years who sounds very much like your husband.<BR>I never knw how much money he made or how much the bills were because it was his busines. I had money doled out to me, even though I had a good job. My ex thought that he knew everything and tried to intimidate me and convince me that he had the final say-so no matter what. Needless to say, we are not married any more. Things began to crack when I began to stand up for myself. He left for another woman and thought I might not survive, but I did. I remarried a wonderful man who values my opinions and is my best friend. After I had been divorced for a while, but before I remarried, a friend asked what my 1st marriage had been like. I told her that I felt like an indentured servant who had finally "earned" her freedom. Don't give up your self-respect. Remember you can choose to live your life with or without him, but don't live your life for him.

I am so glad that someone posted on this type of problem. I've been married (second time) for three years. We are 43 and 40. I told a friend at work about by h and how he wanted to control everything because he was "Head of the House" her reply was, "Those type of men should all be taken out and shot" HA HA HA.<BR>Well we all know she was joking but I also know where she was coming from.<P>My h started by saying that someone had to make the final decision on major stuff. Well I'm OK with that but he demanded that I be quite when he said so, take a bath when he said so, and call him at work if I wanted to spend $5.00 on my lunch hour. Get real! Do these type of men not realize women can vote now! <P>I have always worked a full time job and for the six years before I married him I raised two boys by myself.I keep a clean home and I'm not just a Mom I'm a good MOM. They come first and he knew that before I married him.<P>We've been seperated for four months now.When he attempted to control the way I think , my time, and everything else I said NO. He even wanted to contol Sex. Ladies I need suggestions also. I need to understand what is happening to these men. A guy's reply is welcome. Give us your ideas.

Ladies:<P>I don't have a lot of time to post---I'm holding a sleeping 4-month-old and have to pick up my daughter from a birthday party (while my wife is out showing dogs...). But yet, even Mr. "Sensitive" here used to be called controlling by his wife. <P>I figured it out. Basically it was a lack of respect for my wife's opinions. Not that I was mean at all (I was very sweet about pointing out how right I am), but that eroded my wife's love for me, and she always felt that I was controlling situations.<P>Your situations are probably very, very different. Dr. Harley has posted a Q & A column on Controlling Husbands.<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5043_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5043_qa.html</A> .<P>The simple distillation of his advice is that you should get a copy of "Give and Take" (available from the bookstore section of the website) and read it through. It's an excellent book, and it covers the Policy of Joint Agreement and how to make negotiations safe, pleasant, and "win-win". You'll need these skills (your husbands will too)---they're pretty easy to learn and fun to practice if both partners are involved.<P>If you can't get your spouses to volunteer to do this, you should make sure that they realize it's for their benefit---a happier marriage all around. If they refuse, then I suggest the help of a counselor to take more dramatic steps, which could include going on "strike" for certain needs that you're filling for your husband, as well as separation. But read the book first, and see if you can get "enthuasiastic" participation first.<P>Denise, has your separation had any effect? The only comment I would have made negatively to your post is that you shouldn't put your children over your spouse---the spouse should come first (on average). That works fine in a great marriage, but it can be a source of resentment when the marriage starts to go south.

Dear Women With Controlling Husbands,<P>Historically, people have gained a considerable amount of their psychological profiles based upon their environment. Most people are products of social norms demonstrated as being "the right way to think or act." Most men who are controlling had that example set for them by their fathers from the day they were born. As far back as they can remember they were taught that men had a certain place in a relationship. <P>This train of thought carries over into their adult lives and creates nothing but problems when they are involved with someone who wants equality in the relationship. No one can be right ALL of the time. Everyone needs to take others opinions into consideration when it comes to making decisions. A lot of the time it is hard to see things from an objective point of view unless you ask someone else what they think the right decision is. Anyone who tries to make ALL of the decisions in a relationship is not only treating their partner with disrespect, they are also setting themsleves up for needlessly making the wrong decisions about certain issues. <P>It is unfortunate that many controlling people do not realize this and try to make a change within themselves until something like a marriage falling apart happens to them. The control factor in a person's life may be connected to other things as well. They may try to control certain people because they feel they don't have the control they need over other poeple and things in their lives. If this is the case with any of you out there, the other reasons are sure to vary greatly. <P>Hidden personal issues such as lack of self esteem, chemical dependency, and career problems can cause this. If you feel you're losing control over one part of your life, you over compensate by being a "control freak" in other parts. The bottom line is that the "controller" has to allow others to share in the processes of making decisions. In order to do this they have to respect the opinions of others, realize that they DO NOT have ALL of the answers ALL of the time, and allow others to , God forbid, HELP them with the issues that are making them feel as though they have to be the dominating S.O.B. every dislikes so much. Even if they don't do for the poeple that love them, they should at least do it for themselves. What's the worst that can happen, they become a better person? I thought that was something important.<P>This is just a guy's point of view. Tell me what you think-<BR>

Thanks so much for your posts I knew we could count on some good advice. I hope the other ladies take time to read all this it does help to understand some of what is going on.<P>To: K<P>Putting the children first seems to be an issue I need to look at. The children's natural father doesn't want to support them. He spends a little time with them however he had the time and money to adopt the new wife's son. Our boys are old enough to know and understand what's going on. I feel that everytime I needed help all I ever had was my two boys. The men seemed to avoid responsibility. It's left up to me to raise them with no help. All they have is me. Now my second husband knew all about my feels and responsibilities before we got married. He admired this in me so he said but now I feel that he demands so much time that he is going to make sure there is no time left for the children. That's not right.<P>My h and I went out for dinner last night. Sort of dating during this seperation. He never kissed me, never told me he loved me and asked that I pay for dinner. Its hard to believe I love him so much, he's a jerk.<P>There is so much love between the two of us but I feel if this marriage is going to work I have to do it myself with no help from him. <BR>He will not go to counseling because he says he knows the counselor will tell him that he is handling he's marriage the wrong way. He said "there is no need in going, I am not going to change".My h says, "if you love me you should want to do the little things I ask and do what you are told".<P>My oldest son just came into the room with a Mother's Day present. Where is the h? Sleeping late at his Mother's house. He wouldn't stay last night. Not even for Mother's Day. Well, I'll just pick up my heart off the floor one more time and go on.

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Hope this helps:<BR>"Anger and pain are generous emotions, big enough so that we can't miss the invitation they offer to return to the reality of who we are and what we really want.<P>If you become afraid to to lose a person, follow that thought. It may be trying to tell you that you're choosing to be dishonest with yourself in an effort to appeal to your friend. It's time then to ask yourself where your sense of trust and truth are and how can you call them back into your life.<P>To be spiritual is to tend to your own liberation. It is liberating to learn how to accept people as they are, but that does not mean that you should abuse yourself in the process by forcing yourself to behave in opposition to your own integrity and values. It means thinking ,feeling, and acting in accordance with what is holy to you." <P>

Thank you to all who replied to my post. This has caused a great deal of confusion in me. I would not call my husband "controlling" in the classic sense. He has never controlled our finances, and I would have to say that I have more control over that than he does, because he admits to be a bit of a compulsive spender. He doesn't tell me where to go, when to go or how long I can go, what I can and cannot wear, who I can talk to etc...He is not controlling in that sense. This is what makes this so very difficult for me. It is all very subtle. If his behaviour was as blantenly controlling as some of the examples I've read here, it might be easier because I would never tolerate being treated that way, and would simply leave. I was taught by my parents that I have a right to live my own life.<P>However, my husband does try to control me in other ways on an emotional level. He is very threatened by my strong will and my resolve. I have definate opionions and beliefs on certain things, and when they deviate from his own he tries to force me to accept his. He will do this by yelling, interrupting me when I talk, manipulating something I've said to the point where it no longer resembles my original comments, etc. He will try to browbeat me into finally throwing up my hands and saying "you're right, I give up!" This is particularly dangerous, because although I say I agree with him, I really don't at all. It creates an uneasy tension because in my mind I still have my beliefs. And resentment begins to build. I'll give you an example.<P>I was taught by my parents that it was normal and actually quite healthy for a person to have friends of the opposite sex. All through my teenage years and right into my adulthood I had both male and female friends. My husband's belief was that this was not right. He did not believe that a male and female could be "platonic" friends. Throughout our 7 years together, he has started to realize that I could be right, or so I thought. Once, last year, his father saw me in a restaurant with a male co-worker. We were very busy at that time and had to "double up" on our lunch breaks. His father couldn't wait to tell my husband that he had seen me with another man and that he had better keep an eye on me because I was "laughing and seemed to be having a good time." My husband got very angry with his father and basically told him to mind his own business. He told his father that it was perfectly ok for me to have lunch with another man. I was so happy to hear this and told my husband so, and I thanked him for being so understanding.<P>Then, about 5 months ago I discovered my husband had been going into chat rooms and using icq to meet women for sex chats. This upset me a great deal and I confronted him with this. His response was..."Well, Michelle, you were the one who told me it was OK to have a friend of the opposite sex!" This is NOT what I meant at all, yet he manipulated one of my beliefs in order to accommodate what he was doing on the Internet. I tried telling him that having a female friend was one thing, but discussing such intimate matters was something entirely different. I tried to explain that it wasn't "who" he talked with that I had a problem with...it was "what" he talked about. I asked him if he would like it if I started having "cybersex" with a man on the net. He said it wouldn't bother him because all it was was typing and he knew that I was with him. This is from the same man who in the past would have freaked out if I even LOOKED at another man. He had taken what I said and totally twisted it around!<P>Basically, what I'm trying to point out is that he sees only in two colours...black and white. There is no grey area. There is no compromise. Either it is or it is not. I am starting to pick and choose my words very carefully in case he takes what I say and manipulates and distorts it to fit his own reality. He now tries to control me by using my "own" words because he has come to realize that he cannot force "his" opinions down my throat.<P>I am not an opinionated person. I am, however, a strong-willed person. If I don't agree with something that someone says, I'll say so. But, I will always say..."I respect your opinion, however I disagree." I will not force someone to listen to me or to agree with me. I will simply state my case, but I will also listen to theirs. To me, this is fair.<BR>

Is he still cyber-sexing?<P>My H is ARGUMENTATIVE...he'll say the sky is green just to provoke a debate. (exaggerating, but you know what I mean.)<P>I don't mind a HEALTHY debate on occasion, but he makes everyday a debate on something. Half the time I'm AGREEING with him but he'll still twist things around and put me on the other side. GAWD I JUST HATE IT. <P>I hate it because he won't just debate the subject, but will get a snotty attitude, his voice fills with anger, gets loud, and suddenly I'm feeling this (-) big. That's what makes me so mad. He hurts my feelings, and it's usually over little STUPID stuff. Is his side of the dabate SO IMPORTANT that it doesn't matter if I'm being belittled and yelled at???? <P>Finally, one night as I was bedding down on the couch after a particularly upsetting debate, I told him I was tired of feeling like an idiot, was tired of his attitude towards my opinions/myself, and wanted him to be NICE for one whole week. It was a great week! I could see him choking back his argumentative side. It was sweet!<P>He understands that his attitude and anger slowly rips up the love I have for him. I told him I was scared, that I don't think that I could continue to love him year after year if this continues. He really needs to learn tolerance for other people's opinions, it has cost him friendships and it may cost him our marriage.