We have a blended family.He had 3 <BR>I had one, and we have one <BR>together. That is now...back when <BR>we met, He had his children. for <BR>the summer,and when they went <BR>back to their Mother in another <BR>state, we became more and more <BR>serious, then I became pregnant.<BR>We talked about his children <BR>coming back and forth every year, <BR>and staying for the summer,and I <BR>welcomed them. My son was <BR>adjusting nicely, to the thought <BR>of having a new baby sister or <BR>brother, and seemed to get along <BR>ok with having to share all of <BR>his things, and his room with 2 <BR>other boys for the summer.At the <BR>end of the summer, that 1st year, <BR>the oldest of his 3 was told that <BR>he would be staying on a <BR>permanant basis, by his Father, <BR>as I stood by. My mouth hitting <BR>the floor..pregnant with another.<BR>This son has a very severe ADD <BR>problem, and emotional, and <BR>mental problems, and I had no <BR>idea how hard this adjustment <BR>would affect me, or my son. I <BR>felt so trapped, but kept my chin <BR>up and dealt with it. It was a <BR>very difficult year, a baby girl <BR>was born, and now I had 3. We had <BR>to learn to communicate and were <BR>not doing well. By the next <BR>summer, My Husband moved out,and <BR>in with another woman, taking his <BR>oldest son. I was left with my <BR>son and a new baby.We reconciled <BR>in about 7 wks. His oldest went <BR>home to his mother, and our life <BR>resumed. We counciled and life <BR>went on. The next summer the <BR>oldest didnt come but the middle <BR>and youngest came, stayed for the <BR>summer, and went home. Im back to <BR>2 again. Things are good! We <BR>survived all the turmoil and were <BR>working toward the future. The <BR>next summer, again the middle and <BR>youngest came, and the youngest <BR>was given the option to stay for <BR>a year, and if he didnt like it, <BR>he could return to his mother. <BR>This time I was part of the <BR>descision, and thought it might <BR>not be bad, as this son, was a <BR>normal child, and closer to my <BR>sons' age. We bought a bigger <BR>home, and put the 2 boys together <BR>in a large room. Now I have 3 <BR>again, his youngest son 12, my <BR>son 9, and my little girl 4.<BR>Over the last year, I find that <BR>his son, brings with him <BR>infuences that I do not approve <BR>of, and immature behavior, that I <BR>find to be,a poor example for my <BR>younger children. He is a good <BR>boy though, and he is really in <BR>need of the structure my husband <BR>and I provide, as he does not <BR>have that at home. He was <BR>extremely overweight,to the point <BR>of having high blood pressure, <BR>and has lost alot of it, and has <BR>learned self-control with us. <BR>His grades have improved, and he <BR>is doing so much better with us.<BR>But he is not happy, and wants to <BR>go home. He has trouble getting <BR>along with my son,and daughter, <BR>and does not like having to set <BR>an example for the younger ones.<BR>He gets teased in school due to <BR>his weight, moreso than home <BR>because, he is "the new fat kid",<BR>and although he has lost weight, <BR>he is still very large for his <BR>height. He resents that I dont <BR>allow him to play his vulgar <BR>music without headphones, and <BR>dont approve of the fact that he <BR>has been allowed to watch R <BR>movies, and exposed to many adult <BR>situations. I do not like that he <BR>brings home violent video games, <BR>which of course the younger ones <BR>want to play.I have discussed <BR>this with him, and his father, <BR>and it seems they feel I am <BR>overreacting. He also bullies my <BR>son, and being so much bigger, <BR>can hurt him. My husband feels <BR>that the boys should duke it out, <BR>and I just can't see the <BR>fairness, when there is a hundred <BR>lbs, difference. It has gotten to <BR>the point that I want him to <BR>leave. I feel that my son has <BR>always had to give things up,his <BR>room, his privacy, his toys. My <BR>son has obvious emotional <BR>distress, and has grown to resent <BR>my marriage, and even his little <BR>sister. He acts it out, and my <BR>husband punishes him, instead of <BR>trying to understand why he is <BR>doing the things he does. <BR>The whole agonizing thing, is <BR>that I am hurting for my son, and <BR>my life would certainly be easier <BR>with my 2 kids, BUT this boy is <BR>doing so much better here, and we <BR>know his life would go downhill <BR>again if he were to go home.<BR>For me, I truly feel selfish for <BR>wanting so much, for him to go <BR>home. I want my family, and want <BR>his children to be summer <BR>visitors, as it started out to <BR>be. I am afraid of the <BR>reprocussions, if he does leave <BR>too. Will my husband resent me <BR>for feeling this way? Will this <BR>boy go back to his old ways, or <BR>will maybe the things we <BR>instilled make a difference for <BR>his future.<BR>Will my husband take out the <BR>guilt of allowing him to go home, <BR>on the rest of us? <BR>I am tearing myself apart over <BR>this. I really do care about what <BR>happens to his son, but I don't <BR>have it in me to make his son a <BR>priority over my son. <BR>The little one ties us all <BR>together, and there is alot of <BR>love in our home.<BR>I am falling into such a <BR>depression over this, and feel I <BR>cant do anything about it.<BR>My husband and I have many other <BR>issues we need to work on, and I <BR>know that we both want to <BR>continue growing as we have, so <BR>far. Can anyone relate to this <BR>one???? <P>------------------<BR><BR>

It sounds to me like his son is crying out for help in his own way. Sometmes children at his age want the blue hair, earrings, etc, to get attention. Look at what he has been through - I can only imagine that he is craving some stability and love. Children of divorce go thru some very tough times. My husband had no children when we got married and I brought my two children (boys ages 4 and 8) into the marriage. What we thought would be a smooth transition was exploding! He never had children and didn't know how to respond, react, discipline. He was much to harsh on them, expected things you expect out of an adult and had no compassion for a child. I, on the other hand, was so filled with guilt and hurt for them over our divorce (my children are VERY close to their dad) that I did the opposite as him and did everything I could to see that they were happy. I was way too much one way and him way too much the other. We've struggled thru this for 7 years. My boys are now 15 and 12. They are good, clean, honest, straight A students who are very athletic, hang out with the good kids, clean cut - and its STILL not good enough for my husband. In many ways, I feel he is jealous of them. 4 years into our marriage we had a child together - on of our own. It is amazing how his opinion changed. How discipline changed. How compassion and understanding changed. His child is gold, mine are silver. Nevertheless, it has caused much heartache within me that he is still to this day favoring his child. My children always had rules (bedtime, talking on phone hours, etc) - but OUR child? Oh no. He goes to bed when Daddy goes to bed. He sleeps with Daddy. He rules the house. There are no rules. to be honest with you, I have thrown my hands up to it all and now, I handle my 3 children equally - and he can do whatever the heck he wants. My oldest two just "deal" with him - we blow his moods off, we ignore him, and we go to their games, activities, etc., without him. I cannot express to you the heartache this has caused. I don't know the answers for this as I feel that after 7 years of trying to get him to understand and him NOT understanding - its basically where it will always be - me and my two boys and their dad deal with one another, and me and my husband deal with our child. Its a sickening situation, but hey, so is divorce. If I could have had a crystal ball, I'd still be married to my original husband and would have none of this to deal with.