<BR>I was really hoping to get some kind of feedback here...<BR>or should I be posting in another group?

WonderMom:<P>My only feedback for you would be to try to do some marriage counseling: both you and your husband, if he's willing. If he's not willing, you should go on your own.<P>You're stuck with a tough situation, and instead of bringing the both of you together, you're doing separate things. If you're familiar with Harley's concepts, you need to be following the Policy of Joint Agreement consistantly---this will ensure that you feel "good" about the decisions that are being made. The trouble with that is that you need to get your husband on the same page. I don't know of a way to do that immediately; that's why I believe that you'd be best served by some professional coaching.<P>So, having said that, I'd suggest that you find a counselor in your area who is familiar with Dr. Harley's work. You can call the MB office and get a referral (888-639-1639), or if you want to try the phone counseling with Steve Harley (son), you can make an appointment for that. I've been using Steve and he's very effective.

Hi Wondermom...I agree with K on this one. It really sounds like you and your husband have different agendas here. My H is the stepfather to my 3 boys. He has no biologicial children. Adjusting to a blended family is incredibly difficult at the best of times, but when there is so much shifting around, back and forth between families it can be almost impossible. Although I do not agree with what your husband is doing, I can understand it. He appears to feel a bit guilty. Perhaps he feels guilty because of the divorce and the fact that his children are now in this situation. He sounds like he is overcompensating by slacking off in the discipline department.<P>I did exactly the same thing at first. I felt such incredible guilt over the breakup of my family, that I developed an almost liberal approach to the disciplining of my children. Its an easy trap to fall into. When my current H and I got together it was tough at first. To us he was the "outsider", the one who was crashing our little foursome. He tried to immediately take control and approached the disciplining of my sons almost like a drill instructor (I'm not saying that this is what you're doing ). Which, of course caused a lot of resentment. After about 6 months of this I finally decided that something had to be done. I sat down with my H and asked him to please back off a little, that he was being too harsh with the boys. He countered by saying something like "well, somebody has to discipline them!" His philosophy is the 'ol "children should be seen and not heard", which I totally disagree with. We talked a lot about this. I admitted that perhaps I was being a little lenient, but then I explained why. I told him how guilty I felt about putting them in this situation, however I also explained that I felt he was going a little overboard. We both talked about our own philosophies on raising children. He never even knew I felt that way! Its been 7 years now and my children are becoming wonderful young men! (well, almost...14, 12 & 10 ) Why? Because by communicating, my H and I were able to combine our methods so that my sons get the best of both. My H has learned to "think" before reacting and to make the punishment fit the crime (afterall a six month grounding for failing a math test IS a bit much). However, if my sons are doing something that could clearly cause themselves or others great harm (ie., playing with fire, etc.), my H has full rein. The important thing here is that my sons KNOW this. They KNOW that H and I are united on this. This is the key.<P>I would suggest getting together with your H and really comminicating. Explain to him your own philosophies without trying to force them down his throat. Allow him to do the same. You may not agree with him on all things, just as he may not agree with you on all things. But, the important thing is that you each have a very clear understanding of where the other is coming from. Try to combine your methods. Establish a few very solid rules in your home (too many "little" rules cause a lot of confusion and fragmentation)...rules that you BOTH agree on, and stick to them. For example, a rule that is set in stone in our home, is that the boys are to call and let us know where they are at ALL times...there are no exceptions. Whatever rules you and your H decide to establish, let the children know what they are and that the two of you are united on them.<P>As far as visitation with your H's children is concerned, I feel that this also needs to be organized a bit better. Set up a schedule that you both agree to...and STICK to it. Easier said than done, I know. It will have to be something that you decide together, and that you are both comfortable with, and will most likely have to involve your H's ex. Your H's oldest boy appears to have a lot of resentment which is manifesting itself in inappropriate behavior. He sounds scared to death and is crying out for someone to take control. Even as children reach the teenage years and appear to become more independent, there still remains one fact. They NEED stability...they need to know that the parents are in control. It's seems like a contradiction, but it is so true. I can almost hear my 14 year old son's sigh of relief when we decide that it's time to pull the leash back a little on him. Although he'll appear to resent us and will buck a little I can almost hear him saying "thanks, you guys...I needed that".<P>Anyway, I don't know if this has helped at all, or if you can relate any of it to your current situation. My prayers are with you. There is a site you might want to check out. There are discussion forums that relate exclusively to step-parenting and blended families which I found to be a great help. The site is called<P>http://www.parentsoup.com.<P>Check it out!<P>------------------<BR>Peace<BR>

One more thing. My H and I also have problems that we are working on and I can honestly say, I'm not sure where we are headed. But, one fact remains. We are trying very hard not to allow these problems, or any resentment we may feel towards each other right now, to interfere with what we have shown our children. That no matter what happens, as far as they are concerned, we are united.<P>------------------<BR>Peace<BR>

Thank you for your replies, and support.I am grateful for folks out there who are willing to respond to me. <BR>Over the last few days, I have done alot of thinking, and trying very hard to deal with the realization that indeed it is not my stepson who is the problem. I however still wish that things were like I had the impression they would be. I never dreamed I would become a Mother for any of his children on a permanant basis, due to the way our relationship started, and how it has gone along over the years.<BR>Now, I don't have any doubt that my husband and I are growing apart, and I can see that I cannot do it all by myself. I thought by discussing my thoughts about all of this, with him, would help him see that I have tried to change my attitude, and realize that this was indeed the better place for my stepson to live and that I was willing to open my heart to him. I told my husband that I had a conversation with my 9 yr old son, to help him cope and accept things better.I thought that by telling him this, he would feel more content and willing to unite with me. I am sincere, and have been earnest in my behavior toward my stepson. I can see now that this is far more than that , and think things are going to go downhill from here. I asked my husband to read the concepts offered in this forum. I e-mailed the pages to him. He sat and read...(or at least stared at them for a while) and made no attempt to let me know that he absorbed any of it.Everything keeps getting swept under the rug...so to speak, and life continues as it has been. I don't know what to do. <BR>However, for the time being, I am trapped, and unable to afford a conselor, and I am hoping I can continue getting feedback from you all.<BR>I discussed going back to counselling with my husband, as we did before, when we had separated a number of years ago, over the stress and misunderstanding we had with his oldest son. He has told me that he does not want to go.<BR>You see we are also in a very different situation now..We had just recently bought our first home, and have merged all the monetary issues. We are somewhat extended to the max, due to this home.<BR>I used more than half of my invested savings as a down, and his income, more than less pays the mortgage. I am self employed now, and not earning enough to hold my own, and for my 9 yr old son and 4 yr old daughter. My income as it stands, would cover daycare, and food. I recently had left a company position,before this stepson was determined to stay.Not that I was doing so great there either, but had more security. <BR> So now, I don't feel that my husband believes I could possibly walk away.<BR>So he isn't going to try to do anything other than what he has always done. He doesnt believe that counselling is worth spending the money on. Of course I believe different. and if I can find a way, I will.<BR>You remember the blue hair battle? I had said no to my stepson, and explained to my husband that I felt strongly about it. My stepson had spent the night at his friends house last night. This friends Mother told him about a certain semi-perm product to do the blue hair with. I was approached this morning, in private by my husband, telling me all about this product,and how he thinks it would be ok. I told him again, that I didn't want my stepson to have blue hair! Then dropped it. Then this evening<BR>as the boys were saying goodnight, my husband brings up the subject again..in front of the boys...saying "What was the name of that product again?" "I wish I could remember!" I couldn't believe he put me in that position! The boys stood there waiting for my reaction! I told them to go on to bed, then asked my husband why he is still encouraging this? That he knew how I felt, and that gives the stepson the impression that he is on his side, and against me! <BR>He didn't say anything. I left the room, and he came to bed angry...he flipped off the tv. I told him I wasn't tired, and would it bother him if I got back up, and he told me to shut the f__King door behind me....So here I am. I cant sleep. I hope someone can help me here, I would be grateful....thanks<P>

Thank you for your replies, and <BR>support.I am grateful for folks out <BR>there who are willing to respond to me. <BR>Over the last few days, I have done alot <BR>of thinking, and trying very hard to <BR>deal with the realization that indeed it <BR>is not my stepson who is the problem. I <BR>however still wish that things were like <BR>I had the impression they would be. I <BR>never dreamed I would become a Mother <BR>for any of his children on a permanant <BR>basis, due to the way our relationship <BR>started, and how it has gone along over <BR>the years.<BR>Now, I don't have any doubt that my <BR>husband and I are growing apart, and I <BR>can see that I cannot do it all by <BR>myself. I thought by discussing my <BR>thoughts about all of this, with him, <BR>would help him see that I have tried to <BR>change my attitude, and realize that <BR>this was indeed the better place for my <BR>stepson to live and that I was willing <BR>to open my heart to him. I told my <BR>husband that I had a conversation with <BR>my 9 yr old son, to help him cope and <BR>accept things better.I thought that by <BR>telling him this, he would feel more <BR>content and willing to unite with me. I <BR>am sincere, and have been earnest in my <BR>behavior toward my stepson. I can see <BR>now that this is far more than that , <BR>and think things are going to go <BR>downhill from here. I asked my husband <BR>to read the concepts offered in this <BR>forum. I e-mailed the pages to him. He <BR>sat and read...(or at least stared at <BR>them for a while) and made no attempt to <BR>let me know that he absorbed any of <BR>it.Everything keeps getting swept under <BR>the rug...so to speak, and life <BR>continues as it has been. I don't know <BR>what to do. <BR>However, for the time being, I am <BR>trapped, and unable to afford a <BR>conselor, and I am hoping I can continue <BR>getting feedback from you all.<BR>I discussed going back to counselling <BR>with my husband, as we did before, when <BR>we had separated a number of years ago, <BR>over the stress and misunderstanding we <BR>had with his oldest son. He has told me <BR>that he does not want to go.<BR>You see we are also in a very different <BR>situation now..We had just recently <BR>bought our first home, and have merged <BR>all the monetary issues. We are somewhat <BR>extended to the max, due to this home.<BR>I used more than half of my invested <BR>savings as a down, and his income, more <BR>than less pays the mortgage. I am self <BR>employed now, and not earning enough to <BR>hold my own, and for my 9 yr old son and <BR>4 yr old daughter. My income as it <BR>stands, would cover daycare, and food. I <BR>recently had left a company <BR>position,before this stepson was <BR>determined to stay.Not that I was doing <BR>so great there either, but had more <BR>security. <BR> So now, I don't feel that my husband <BR>believes I could possibly walk away.<BR>So he isn't going to try to do anything <BR>other than what he has always done. He <BR>doesnt believe that counselling is worth <BR>spending the money on. Of course I <BR>believe different. and if I can find a <BR>way, I will.<BR>You remember the blue hair battle? I had <BR>said no to my stepson, and explained to <BR>my husband that I felt strongly about <BR>it. My stepson had spent the night at <BR>his friends house last night. This <BR>friends Mother told him about a certain <BR>semi-perm product to do the blue hair <BR>with. I was approached this morning, in <BR>private by my husband, telling me all <BR>about this product,and how he thinks it <BR>would be ok. I told him again, that I <BR>didn't want my stepson to have blue <BR>hair! Then dropped it. Then this evening<BR>as the boys were saying goodnight, my <BR>husband brings up the subject again..in <BR>front of the boys...saying "What was the <BR>name of that product again?" "I wish I <BR>could remember!" I couldn't believe he <BR>put me in that position! The boys stood <BR>there waiting for my reaction! I told <BR>them to go on to bed, then asked my <BR>husband why he is still encouraging <BR>this? That he knew how I felt, and that <BR>gives the stepson the impression that he <BR>is on his side, and against me! <BR>He didn't say anything. I left the room, <BR>and he came to bed angry...he flipped <BR>off the tv. I told him I wasn't tired, <BR>and would it bother him if I got back <BR>up, and he told me to shut the f__king <BR>door behind me....So here I am. I cant <BR>sleep. I hope someone can help me here, <BR>I would be grateful....thanks<P>

Wondermom - <BR>I'm so sorry to hear what your going through - it is so very similar to my situation. Your husband sounds like he is angry because he wants you to "agree" to the blue hair so HIS son will be happy. It sounds like to me he is trying to WIN his sons love by showing him that what he wants to do with his hair is just fine with him. It almost appears that he wants his son to know that he agrees with it - but that you are the problem. Thats not good for the boy - as you need to show a united front towards him. I'm in such a similar situation as you (finances, children) and I could and should walk out the door (or boot him out) but our quality of living will go "downhill" quickly and I hate to risk that for my family. Like you, I feel my husband knows that I won't walk out for those reasons. My husband curses in front of all 3 of our children (15, 12, and 3) and he treats my first two boys from my previous marriage like they are nothing. (he has no reason for this, they are straight A students, no blue hair (LOL) and very actively involved in community with good friends). He's never complemented or said "good job" to them. But let them leave a light on, or something little and see him blow off his steam and smart alec mouth. I know that we are at a point that "something" has to be done too. I really wish he would simply walk away from our lives to avoid ME having to walk away. Like your husband, he refuses counseling (though I have been on my own 4 times) and won't talk about things. Our three year old sleeps between us every night and has for 2 years (husbands son). He has no bedtime, nor rules. But, my kids have rules they must follow. He has really built all the walls inside of me to where they cannot be torn down again and repaired. My feelings for him are that of a friend - nothing more. He is ruining our lives and I have got to find some strength from somewhere to let it go. I have fought this battle for 4 long, hard years and have received nothing from him. I feel sorry for you, I know what your going thru, and stepchildren are hard to deal with, but you must not let the child get the best of you. No matter what your husband lets him do; I would still make it clear that I do NOT agree with it. I'll be watching your post as I am in such a similar situation I will be interested to see how you handle all this.

Cndy, you and I should get together! We do have similar situaions. Although what my husband does is sugar coat everything, by telling me how much he loves me,and what a good Mom I am. He left this morning for work, with a kiss, and "I love you, dear." He has just gotten home and we havent had any time to fall into the usual thing. The kids are acting like wild animals in the other room, while I do this.<BR>I really don't know what is in store for tonight, but I'll keep on posting this way. <BR>I wish you luck, also with all of this.

Hi Wondermom...I'm sorry, but "Blue Hair?" Come on! Who cares? He may get his tongue peirced in a year. So what? The problem right now is between you and your H. Period!! That's the deal right there. Work on that...if that's a no go, then move on.<P>I'm sorry, but I've seen too many people (myself included) go through the same ****, and it makes me sick. Get yourself and your husband on the same side...until then, you have got to decide whether or not to **** or get off the pot.<P>I don't mean to be rude, but I've have been through this and I know what it's like. Take your stand and let H know that something has to be done. Or you are walking. It sounds drastic and cruel...but you are talking about you OWN chidren here!<P>Sorry, but this makes me angry!<P>Michelle<P>------------------<BR>Peace<P>

Michelle - <BR>I NEED YOUR GUTS!!! My heart knows that I need to tell my man to take a hike and quit bring us all down with him - but I am so afraid to do it - for the child we have together, and my home, living, everything! It is so darned scary. Me and my children are very close and talk about things all the time. I ask them how they feel about my husband (their stepdad) and they tell me that they don't worry about him and his commetns, etc, they just ignore him.

well...Last night we had a long talk,(my husband and I) I told him how I felt, and that he was undermining me to his son. During the conversation, the phone rings, and it is his sons teacher from the class in which he is failing. We had a conference call with her. I casually asked, if anyone in the 6th grade class is sporting blue hair, and she told us that not only is no one wearing blue hair in the 6th grade, but also that it is against the rules, and he will be sent home. Of course, his father then told him that blue hair is out...<BR>Case closed. How about that! So we resumed our conversaton, and for the first time in years, I actually heard him say "I'm sorry"<BR>I told him that I was not willing to give up on us, over our differences in parenting, but that I want him to think about his approach and how he handles things, before he makes any statements to the kids. That he needs to come to an agreement with me, about issues concerning the kids.<BR>He listens, he hears, but I don't know if he will make a conscience effort to do this. He is so set in his way of thinking...I have to wonder. He has come a long, long way since we had met...and I just can't see moving on...just now. Michelle< I do understand your feelings. I think it would be premature to cut my losses at this point.<BR>I've got a man that comes home every night,doesn't drink, or do drugs...doesn't hit me. He hands me his paycheck every Friday, and gives me freedom, and authority. He kisses me goodbye in the morning, and hello in the eve.<BR>What we have is a real difference in parenting styles, and I have to believe that He will be willing to work on this with me, at this point. If not then, I'll rethink this situation.<BR>Cndy> Keep me posted too, my prayers are with you also.

Hi Wondermom! Glad to see some positive steps being taken here! . Forgive me for spouting in my last post...sometimes I get a little worked up when I see someone else being treated unfairly.<P>Your H sounds a bit like mine to a certain degree, ie., He is attentive, generous, loving, etc. Our problems also arise from our different philosophies on raising children. But, look at it as learning from each other. Both of you have strong points to make, and if you are willing to draw on them you will be left with a solid stand which comprises the best of both.<P>You will be surprised just how much your H will change his thinking, just as you may surprise yourself. Compromise is a wonderful invention, don't you think? My H has given up a lot of his radical thinking when it comes to child rearing. He has come to realize that "instilling fear" into a child is terrific as a short-term motivator, but the long term affects can be very destructive. Myself? I have let go of my guilt and am starting to view discipline as a way to show my sons how much I love them.<P>Keep us posted, OK?<P>Michelle<P>------------------<BR>Peace<P>