In Nov. of 1997 i left my H for another man, and other reasons but it was a wrong turn or road to take and i went through alot of regret and remorse and after alot of counseling together we got back together and them got remarried, its been a year and my H still makes me pay for what i did he doesnt see it all the time and i dont always show him because i want to understand and give him time, but now he's getting into bar fights or any fights with these past people and then he always brings it back on me that its my fault he acts like this he is always accussing me of not being there for him, not standing by him and I do i swear i do I went through alot to get my family back i would do anything for him but i cant take these fights anymore he is making me feel like i am nothing as a person and i really think i am a good person. I am starting to lose all hope I have come to this point where i dont know how to handle it anymore and i try to talk to him but its always my fault can i always be to blame.<P>------------------<BR>CC<BR>

C louise,<P>Well by reading your post I have a sense that your husband has problems of his own. He may be using your past mistakes as an excuse for his bad behavior. If he is continuely pointing the finger at you and the past mistakes that you have made than he needs to get counseling for himself. At some point your husband needs to gain a new perspective in your marriage. I know it can be very hard to get a marriage back to a healthy state after a break-up and divorce. Trust is very important in a marriage. Trusting one another is the foundation of a marriage. All I can really give for advise is rebuild the TRUST back into your marriage. Your husband needs to give you a chance to regain his Trust. You may have communicated that to him many times already, that you need him to Trust you again. Thats where you need to start. unless he is willing to let the past be gone, and a new beginning begin between the two of you, then hes really causing the marriage problems himself. You have done your part, unless your still giving him reasons not to trust you.....??If you are honestly trustworthy and sincere in your marriage to your husband, than its his choice to help rebuild your marriage. For him to keep throwing the past at you is getting your relationship nowhere. He may need to get some kind of counseling to help him get past the hurts that he still feels..........Violet1<BR>

Thank You Violet 1, Beleive me i have given him no reason not to trust me, I am here all the time occasionly i might go to Bingo w/my mother other than that i am here. He doesnt see that he throws the past in, because he thinks this is all a new situation and it really isnt. I had suggested counseling and he says if thats what you want to do, so i do beleive he will go, We went through counseling before we got remarried and it was very hard on both of us but me alot because i had to open up and talk about the affair which i agreed to do, but this time i will not because he has said that he forgives me and that he is able to move on, its just when he gets mad and angry so i think he needs the anger managment part of counseling and that is what i am going to push for, thank you again for writing, I really needed to hear from somebody, thats another thing when i try to talk to my family or his, he says i am just making him look like an [censored], and that is not true at all. cc

C Louise,<P>Well I would just like to add that from my point of view...I dont think its a good idea to talk to family members..yours or his about your marriage situation. That alone can stir up problems between you and your husband. In order for the healing to begin between the two of you, there needs to be grounds for Trust. Your husband may be feeling invaded if family members are always aware of the personal things that go on in his marriage. It may be ok to confide in one family member who is mature and not a gossiper, to get advice from. My personal opinion is to confide with a counselor only and begin making positive steps forward.. for a healthier marriage..........Violet1<p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited May 24, 1999).]

Actually the only family members i talk to is my mom and his sister, And the reason I talk to his sister is because when we had gotten divorced she said she wished i had talked to her more and when we were getting back together he pushed me to talk to her and my mom isnt really alot of help she never knows what to say, and talking to counselors first is kind of why im on here just for other input I did metion going back to counseling this weekend to him and he said if thats what (you) want to do and i said its better than what we are doing now and asked if its what he wants and he just said if thats what you want, so im sure thats where we are headed just hope it helps, we went through alot of counseling before and i thought it was good and helping but here we are again and its kind of scary that it wont do any good and that scare me.<BR>We have a 4 yr, old boy and i know people have different oppinions on staying together for the kids and i wouldnt normally but this time i have too, my son asks me all the time ( We are gonna be together forever right mommy) and that hurts I tell him yes and so i have to do something i cant be the one to leave,I cant do that to him. I also think my H knows that and I really hope that that is not what hes going off of too knowing that i wont leave because of our son. cc