My husband and I have done alot of talking...first and foremost about the kids, and how we will try to consult each other for descision making and discipline.<BR>This is good!<BR>But how can I make all these feelings go away? Feelings that he is just humoring me. That he will just continue with the only way he knows. Like the whole world rests on my shoulders, trying to make this family a unit, and not divided, as it has been for so long. I can only hope that what I say, and do, will take root and grow to be something better.<BR>Sometimes I look at my husband, and wonder what it was that made me fall in love..<BR>I'm really not trying to pick it apart...I want the life we have built...But there are so many little things that I am resenting. The biggest of all is how he doesn't give of himself to these kids..he will put them to work around the house, or watch tv with them (while holding the remote!)...but to ask them...just once.."What would YOU like to do?" and then actually stop what he is doing to devote that time to them, is nonexistant. <BR>The issue with having my stepson live with us, was just a tip of the iceberg...so to speak. I have come to realize and pinpoint alot of the things that are at the root of my depression.<BR>I have to admit as of lately, he is making an effort to please me...he offered to go for an evening walk to the park, around the corner, and push the kids on the swings, the day before yesterday! I was happy about that! But there are many other issues, that are festering in me, and I do not know in which order I should take them.<BR>I have found myself lacking sexual desire. He isn't romantic at all, or his idea of romance is groping me when I walk by, or displaying his erection...as if I'm supposed to jump him at that moment.<BR>We never go anywhere, unless it is a car show, car auction. race, or monster truck show. He takes the family out for a sunday drive...and we end up stopping at alot of junk car lots looking at old cars.<BR>Granted, we went out to eat for Mothers day, and a movie too! Maybe a bi- annual thing. We took a day to go to the zoo last month,and it was only because my stepson has bugged and bugged him to take him to a zoo. So we all got to go...<BR>Little things...and how do I prioritise? <BR>Can you relate to what I mean?<P>

i am replying to wondermom i know exacually how you feel and what you mean i also have a stepdaughter and my husband has done and is still doing alot of things that are really tearing the marriage up and making me feel like my feelings dont matter and i dont either alot of times i feel he is really selfish and only thinks about himself and what he wants and i really believe that if anyone or anything starts to come between a marriage then thet thing has to be removed you can personally e-mail me because it really helps to get alot of that stuff off your chest YStep47282@aol.com

I know he is really thinking he is doing something nice by sharing his passions with us. What I hope to teach him is how to appreciate OUR passions, and give us equal time. We have a situation where he seems to have no patience, or understanding toward the kids, and how little of yourself it takes to make memories. Today we spent the whole day painting our deck...when the kids came home from a picnic, and found us working on the deck, of course, they wanted to come out with us. We explained that it was wet paint, and they would have to stay away untill we were done. Then the four year old came out the door, walking across the wet paint. <BR>In a situaton like that...I use a firm voice...he uses a MEAN voice. That is one of the many issues I am stressing about. He believes my way is why the kids "walk all over me"....<BR>But you know, they dont. They may try my patience a little longer, and whine sometimes...but they know that unconditional love is in me, and they don't know that with him. They are afraid of him, but love him too.<BR>When it comes to bedtime, I ALWAYS hear "NO, I want Mommy to bring me to bed"<BR>I get all the hugs and kisses, and even though they also give him bedtime kisses, they want me.<BR>How do I make my husband understand that they should want him just as much?<BR>Oh...I could go on and on...till next post. <P>------------------<BR><BR>

Wonder Woman, you cannnot make your husband do anything. His change of behavior has to come from a heart change. Is he a Christian? My husband is mean too at times and our kids do not love him the same way they love me. He interpreted them as walking all over me too..but the issue is loving them with a Father's heart of compassion and that only comes from an intimate relationship with Jesus! I finally separated from my husband because of all of the meanness. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I would tell you to pray that your husband makes Jesus his Lord instead of race cars his lord. And ask Jesus to show your husband what it really means to care for others. Only in that will there be a real change. It took our family separating for the real changes to take place.<P>------------------<BR>God go with you! Ramy<BR>

I can appreciate what you are saying, Ramy, and there is faith in my life, and also it has been, and continues to be, for my kids. But how do you make that happen for another? You can't. I am only hoping that by me,acting accordingly, that they will follow. Thanks for your kind words.

We have a blended family too, 6 children in total. my son, 25; my son, 22; my daughter 19; and his daughter 19; his daughter 16 (today) and our son, 6.<P>We've been married 8 years, together 9. My husband left us 3 years ago - moved 2000 miles away... We reconciled, I put the house up for sale and moved my then 16 year old daughter and our son to be with him.<P>Since then, his daughter has come to live with us, and my daughter moved out - got married, had a baby.<P>We live totally for his life. He proclaimed Christianity before he left us, but now since we live near his non-Christian family, this isn't primary in his life anymore.<P>It has always been an unequitable situation, with my kids on the short end of the stick. I have no say over how his daughter is parented, and many times I feel like just the furniture in the home.<P>I have been suspicious about infidelity, and feel it was a miracle that I found this site. I am learning about love busters, mostly - but am very bad on the negotiating end.<P>I suggested a compromise for us yesterday about a fight about money. He feels like he hasn't done his part financially for his kids, and feels like my kids shouldn't have anything. So he is always "sneaking" money from our family to give to them in one way or another, and then justifies it saying he should have the right to do with what he wants with His hard earned money, and that I shouldn't decide what I do with my money... (another inequitable situation)<P>My suggestion was that I would get $25 a week and he would get $25 a week, that each of us was unaccountable to the other for. He felt that it was giving up on his end, but for the sake of trying to appear fair, he agreed. We'll see how this works.<P>I can't make him love my kids fairly. But, thank God they are on their own now, for their sakes. <P>As I have no authority or no right to opinions to parenting his daughter who is currently living with us, I ignore her almost completely. This is not good, I know, but helps us from fighting. She is going back to California in 4 days, and I am grateful.<P>Still trying to hang in there.<P>