My fiance told me last night that he had heard from a mutual friend that his ex-girlfriend was having some problems & had moved back home, so he called her to make sure she was okay & found out that she WAS going through some pretty heavy stuff. She made him promise not to tell anybody, so he "neglected to mention" the call to me, because he knew I would try to suss the details out of him. In the course of our discussion about this, he mentioned that she had also called a few months ago & stopped over the house for a specific reason another time. All of this came out because she had called a few times in the past few weeks leaving voicemails & he didn't return her calls. They've been broken up for at least two years & they have history that she already tries to hang over his head & make him feel obligated to be her confidante about. I am truly very sorry for this new traumatic experience, but I feel like there should just come a time when she won't be in our lives. We fight about her every time she comes up & my fiance really believes that she just wants to be friends because she thinks he's a nice person. He is far too nice if you ask me. Yet, she has come up to us when we're out & yelled at him for not paying attention to her after all they've been through, just because he's with me, then she came over to me & seethed some venom before marching off. She is taking pleasure in the fact that he is with me & not rejecting her. The whole situation is bad & the fact that he's been carrying on this "friendship" (or at least calling to check on her & receiving calls from her) behind my back is very disturbing. I know that there isn't anything going on with this ex-girlfriend, but I don't like it that he thinks since I'll get upset that he's spoken with her, that it's better to lie to me!! Also, even if he tells me that he won't take her calls, how do I know that he's telling the truth? I thought this ex-girlfriend was a ghost & hadn't thought of her in months! He doesn't seem to get it. I need help in making him understand.<P>[This message has been edited by lovegirl (edited June 01, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by lovegirl (edited June 01, 1999).]

Welcome to the club, sister! My H was still attached to his ex-g/f for 5 yrs. after their "break-up". I put that in quotes because they never really broke up, just stopped living/sleeping together...all the emotional and financial attachment remained. Lucky you, she's out dating...my H's g/f hasn't "gotten a life" yet, she's still trying to use his guilty feelings to keep him attached to her. They had 15 yrs. together, I have 3 years with him and I can't compete with that much history. A good friend of mine spent many days with the two of them together at work, she told me the ex was overly attached to my H - that he loved her attention - and she could understand why he had a hard time telling her to go away (which he did, to a degree). (She was using her problems as his opportunity to step in and rescue her - which he did - it satisfied his need to be a white knight, and a nice guy who'd always be there for his best "friend/sister/confidante" - his words.) <P>He finally told her they could no longer work together (he owns a business and would frequently hire her for projects). But this didn't happen until after HUGE UGLY fights finally wore him down. I am his future, she is his past - where did he want to go? I was called a hundred names, "jealous, immature, insecure, in need of counselling ASAP, a horrible *itch for wanting to break up two best friends, etc. etc". ARRGGGHH!!<P>Prepare yourself for a long road with this problem because it's two against one here. It's a mess, and I completely agree with your feelings. <P>Don't marry him until she's gone...or maybe marrying him was the best thing I ever did because she finally got the hint that it was OVER between them, and he said he'd be terribly embarrassed to announce a divorce after less than a year together - so that gave him one more reason to end it with her. I made him "pick one" and he picked me. I was ready and willing to walk away and he knew I meant it. <P>I made sure I wasn't anything like her - she was always in need of rescuing - I can take care of myself just fine, thank you very much. I made sure he was having more fun with me than he was having with her. <P>One night after a particularly UGLY fight, I called her. Told her I was tired of her making her problems HIS problems to fix - asked her to get on-track with her career so she wouldn't depend on him to give her cash advances on jobs. She said: I don't know why the two of you got married, you bring out the worst in each other. Big mistake! Now I REALLY don't want anyone around him who doesn't support our committment, especially her! That sort of sealed the deal for us - that was the final last straw for me. Make him pick me or her. He picked me (smart fella)!<P>Yes, they still talk on the phone. I don't know how often or how much because it's done at work where I'm not around. Recently she had a hysterectomy and I just got pregnant with our first child. He hasn't told her yet, because it would hurt her feelings...geez why doesn't she just take herself far far away and not be subjected to having her feelings hurt further? She's some abused child who continues the cycle herself now, by the choices and situations she chooses.<P>It makes me crazy still today - the other day I saw a car similar to hers driving in the direction of his office - I jumped into my car to see if it she was at the office - she was not. But the pain all came back to me as I was getting into my car...ugh, what an awful feeling.<P>Don't expect counselors to support your side - I had a PRIEST tell me there was nothing wrong with a H going out to dinner with his ex while his W is out of town on business - that I should TRUST him! OMG!!<P>I can TRUST him, but I will never TRUST her so that ends that. I mean, he would be confiding our intimate secrets with her - wrong wrong wrong. So she could say "you two bring out the worst in each other!"? So she could lift her skirt and say "remember this? want some?" <P>You have a couple of choices - you can go crazy and fight alot about it and hopefully you'll win OR you can look for another man who doesn't have this baggage. Good luck.<P><BR> <P>

Firstly why are you giving this ex a chance to spoil things for you. You allow her to ruin your relationship. The best advice I can give you is to make sure that your relationship is a nice place to be. This means not arguing about his ex but making the time you have together to concentrate on you two together. Make a date together, go out and have a lovely time and none of you must mention her. Show her you have a strong relationship. Start fulfilling your spouses needs and eventually it will have a knock on affect. Your spouse will become so taken up in your own relationship that his old relationship will take second place. <P>I would find your self a counsellor to help you work through your anger. Therefore you won't need to vex your anger on to your spouse.<P>What is happening with his ex is that she is playing the game of dependency. She is not your problem. Your spouse feels sorry for her and guilty. <P>Over time I know that given that you follow Dr Harley's techniques and start making your relationship a happy haven and concentrate on you and your spouse instead of his ex, then and only then will you have a good relationship which will withstand the test of time.<P>Make the investment now and concentrate on you and your spouse. Give your relationship the attention it needs, instead of giving his ex the attention.<P>You can do it - feel the fear and do it anyway.