Update HollyAnn. I had a good conversation with h last night. We talked. I had said that if it is God's will for this divorce than I am ok, I can handle it. And he said "That's the problem, God doesn't want it."<P>What do you think he meant by that? I know that he's having quite a battle right now. He says he keeps praying and doesn't get any answers (he's said this so many times before). I told him I learned to pray for acceptance, peace, and show me the way. Not for what I wanted and not to be specific and I got my answer - peace and happy with myself. I suggested that he just ask for help. One small step at a time.<P>On the other hand, I'm not sure how I feel about him coming back because he feels he's being forced by his religious convictions. Can that work out. Won't that make him feel trapped again?<P>The bad thing is that he's changed jobs and will not be able to go to counseling anymore. I felt that was helping alot. I'll continue to go.<P>And what you're saying about me releasing him out of my court of judgement is that if I forgive him for divorcing me, that God will too? I'm not sure if I understand totally. I'll have to think about that but I think I see your point though.<P>Thanks, Tina

Update: HE called me last night!!!!! Even though it was just to tell me the progress on the building of our son's shop, he DID call me. It was brief but pleasant. Another surprise, the other day we were talking (shock!) but he was telling me how things were going with OW. She seems to be pushing him away. She is seeing someone else and apparently trying to put things back on the friends basis. <P>Now how do I look at this? I'm glad he's talking - one of our biggest problems - and especially about something that personal. I felt good that he confided but the subject!!!!! Does it mean that he no longer sees me as grasping for the marriage and just as a friend? Have I done too well in the Tough Love area? Have I let go too well?<P>Anyone's thoughts?

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

HollyAnn<P>I have read several of your posts especially to BullTina (Tina?). I am impressed with your insight and wisdom. You must be a born-again Christian that has a personal relationship with Jesus!<P>I have been blessed for myself just reading your posts....especially your comment about spouses in "Double Jeopardy". This is something I had to learn in my situation and learned it through the teaching of Joyce Meyer (ever heard of her?).<P>She says as long as we hold on to the situation and try to deal with it ourselves (i.e. revenge, retaliation), God can't and won't deal with it (or the other person). I learned that forgiveness in its' truest meaning means to "let go and give up".<P>If we are trying to deal with the person that hurt us (spouse or whomever); then God won't deal with them.<P>This is a lesson we all need to learn, to put our spouses in God's hands and let Him deal with them.<P>Anyway.....hope you'll contact me back on this board and let me know what you are going through.<P>You are welcome to read my profile and what My Story is.<P>[censored]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

HollyAnn: Why can't I seem to keep myself in line? I think I'm doing pretty well, got my head screwed on straight, I'm looking ahead not behind and then BAM! <P>To get to the bottom line, my h kissed me. And I mean really kissed me in a way that he hadn't in probably 4 or 5 years. We got carried away. I know, there goes all my resolve. I felt good about the incident until we talked the next day. I asked him about something he had said about his OW. He said she told him she wasn't sure how she felt about him and the guy she's dating. He said he told her ok and he claims he hasn't contacted her since. Now I feel like she's playing him. Maybe now that she sees that he's been doing some thinking she's not as willing to let go?<P>But it hurt. Now I'm back to letting him hurt me again!!! Why did I do it? Before I left him, I told him I loved him and he said I know. That is the response I've been getting for quite awhile. But then on the other hand, after that, when I walked out to my car he went with me and hugged me for quite awhile.<P>I think that if the opportunity ever came up again, I will have to take a page from LauraW and tell him that I have to reserve that privilege for someone who's committed to me. (He did tell me that I was the best lover he ever had. Well thanks. Who are you comparing me with?)<P>I feel like my stomach has just been loaded with rocks------again! Lord help me.<P>I'm ready for all the 'shame on yous' and chastisements. Is this irreparable?<P>Tina

Tina,<P>Well, you are right. I always feel like someone is going to say "shame on you" when I have set backs. But everyone has set backs. I told my H yesterday that I have to let go and have some space to heal. He ended up calling me 3 times last night. He says he thinks that I am starting to lose my love for him. I told him that I never said that. But I did tell him that he was pushing me away with both hands and he can't expect me to come chasing after him when he is telling me he is 99% sure he is not coming home. So I told him that I needed to let go a good bit more and try to move on like he has requested that I do. <P>So don't worry about the set backs, you can always gain your composure back and continue on track as before. That is what I am doing. I don't think we can help it if we love some one that deeply. But I refuse to let him have is cake (by living single) and eat it too (by coming to me for other things). I told him that. He seems to be fine with it. Says that he understands. <P>So hang tough, but still be loving. I know it is hard. My H has only been gone 5 weeks now and it seems like forever. God Bless and I hope for and pray for the best for you.<P>Laura