My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15, we have a 3 year old boy. Our families are from Pittsburgh we have moved away to Philadelphia because of my husbands job. I thought we had a wonderful relationship, I thought we were best friends. Recently [within the last month] my husbands company merged and he began to worry about his job. He became very withdrawn and angry at me. Did not want to talk to me. I have finally gotten him to talk [yell] at me and he blaims me for everything wrong in his life. From not having friends, family etc. I was completely shell shocked, I am usually who people go to at my office when they have a problem, because they thought [as did I] that I am so in love and in the perfect relationship. I am not a perfect person and have a tendency to verbalize my stress, whereas he holds it in. He will not tell me he loves me or that he is not going to leave me. I ask him if we can try to work this out - he responds that he can't promise that. He just wants me away from him. He has built up anger for 15 years and instead of talking about it he is letting it go now. I love him, but I am afraid that we have lost everything.<P>Any help, encouragement, words of wisdom anything anyone has to offer is appreciated.

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

I second HollyAnn's advice. <P>I don't think you should go asking for reassurance from him now - it will only lead to more frustration on his part. Just try to back off from him, and give him the space he needs.<P>Try to be strong, and focus on your little boy. Let your husband work out these feelings on his own, and trust that he will come back to you.<P>The key, I believe, is understanding and communicating (when he is ready to communicate.)<P>Good luck!

We have some similarities - we moved cross country from Chicago to Philadelphia for my husband to go to school for his Phd. We had rough spots before then, but things got BAD once we moved here.<P>Our income was cut in half, we have no friends or family and he is totally absorbed in his schooling - has NO time for me... little time for our almost 3 year old.<P>And me? I blame him I guess... I said I agreed to the move, to the sacrifices, but I didn't agree to being left out, a single mom with no support, to feel neglected...<P>About your husband... he's probably depressed, can't lash out at work, so he's lashing out at you... unfortunately. He probably is scared, depressed, unsure of his future and since he keeps everything bottled inside, it just grows.<P>I would encourage him to seek counseling - maybe you can even suggest he seek a minister (if you have one - we aren't religious, so...)<P>But I feel for you. I suspect you feel you've been dealt a bad hand and are left with no support and a small child to think about.... that's difficult, I know.<P>Take care,<BR>Melissa

Hi everyone,<P>Thanks for your input. I have spent some time at my parents with my son. Thinking that time away from my husband would help. He remained very bitter while I was away and although he called every day to speak to my son, he had very little care for me. Finally, when he came to pick me up on Sunday, he let a little out of how he has been feeling [also he shared this with my parents who he respects and loves very much]. The only thing that I have to go on is that he would have been there if he didn't think there was a chance. He also spoke to his family to let them know what was going on. Last night we had a two hour - fight/exchange/discussion - I am at the point where I am now begging him to consider letting me back in.<BR>The problem:<P>He resents me for all of his problems over the last 15 years. Although he thinks of me as a friend, he doesn't love me like a husband should love a wife. He is unhappy. He blaims me for all of the negative feelings in his life. I have made him who he is today and he does not like himself or me. The only positive thing in his life is his son. He realizes what he would be giving up, but he is not happy and at this point he can not figure out what is wrong with him or allow us to work on our marriage. He blaims himself for never saying what he has felt but bottling everying inside until now. Instead of working on it he is not ready to say that he wants to. His anger toward me is stronger than his love for his son [my words]. His mother left his father for a year when he was 19 - she came back and she is still unhappy, he does not want to fall into that trap. He does not want to live the next 50 years unhappy. However, he will not allow me to even try to find out if we can rebuild happiness. At this point he is not even sure we ever had happiness because we married so young [23 and 24]. He allowed me to get away with a lot of pouting over the years and now he is finally saying that it bothered him. I've told him that I haven't been happy with who I have been either and that together we should at least see if we can again change that. He says I can't change who I have always been and will always be. He blaims me for his lack of friends, not traveling with his job, relationship with his family - - - but he has never told me that until now. I told him I was willing to work on it, especially for my little boy, he is not ready to tell me if he even wants to - he does not like me right now and holds a lot of resentment [his words]. By the way his father is a depressive, which I mentioned to him that I was worried about him [my husband] could be going down that same track, he refuses any type of counseling. He said he will never be like his father. I really need direction, help, something. He will not allow me in - as he said this is about him and it is about time he is selfish. What scares me the most is the man that would never ever harm anyone or anything would leave his son behind to possibly "find" happiness. Asking questions about what he thinks would happen to his son - he truly sees himself being a father from a 5 hour distance [he knows that I will go back to Pittsburgh], he has it all worked out in his mind - he thinks he will even be there for a father son night - loss of a first tooth, etc. He always wanted to be my son's little league coach - he even thinks he will still do that - he believes that his son could come out for the summer and live with him - he has everything worked out and glorified in his mind.<P>I did ask him if he was having an affair - no, just more anger that I could even ask that question - "don't I understand that this has to do with him?"<P>So as an end result my husband and "life" partner of 15 years has decided to bottle up years and years of anger - let it out - and end our marriage in 6 weeks. I have asked him what the light at the end of his tunnel is - he doesn't know. He needs to find out what is wrong with him and why he feels this way before he can even tell me if he will let me try. <P>Please help any words of advise would help.