H and I have been married less than one year (not a first marriage for either of us). We live on a small farm in Indiana. Our home is on one side of the lake -- the large log cabin he built for his parents is on the other side of the lake. His mother is wheelchair bound; father has Alzheimer's. We were married 8/98 --- mother had debilitating stroke 11/98. We moved into in-laws home in November (with the understanding we would live there from that point forward). Didn't work out. Mom in law doesn't think any woman is good enough for her son, and I did everything wrong. Cooked wrong; cleaned wrong; wasn't in the right moods at the right times -- etc. After a near breakdown on my part, we moved back to our house. Sister in law took over living with her mother and father. Lasted 3 months and sister in law quit! Same problems I experienced. Since March, H has been spending Friday, Saturday & Sundays from 4 p.m. through 10 a.m. at his parents' caring for them. <P>Five days ago, for the first time in 2 months, H and I told mother we were going out for a few hours. She promised to stay in her wheelchair or transfer to her recliner, but NOTHING else. We didn't leave until 9 p.m. -- returned home 1:30 a.m. and she was on the floor. Said she'd been there since 9:30 p.m. (right after we left!!). Tried to get on the couch (which is on hardwood floor and slid out from under her). I strongly believe this was done on purpose (although I could NEVER say that to my H who thinks his mother walks on water). The very next morning, mother in law decides she doesn't want me in her home. Says I'm moody and won't come out of her room if I'm in the house. <P>Since sister in law quit, my husband is over there morning, noon and night -- save for the few hours he gets to go into his office, and I've been sleeping, eating and living in the house alone. <P>There is nothing I haven't gladly done for his parents. Everything from cleaning and cooking, to basic needs such as bathing and dressing them both. We spent 2 days planting their entire property (which is huge) with flowers, and I weed the flower beds and run errands throughout the week. <P>I have a tremendous resentment -- both towards his mother (who I try to rationalize because of her age), and my H (who I feel is not being my advocate) for not standing firm on my behalf. <P>I feel my mother-in-law is manipulating this situation so as to keep my H with her -- and I can sit over here and rot. <P>I moved to Indiana from Baltimore last year. Left my sons there (they wanted it that way), my friends, job, home -- everything. Now I am here -- with no one -- and simply stewing. <P>I did see a counselor today. H is to see him tomorrow. Hopefully that will help; however, I do not think anyone can cut the umbilical cord which (after 44 years) must be concreted from naval to uterus.<P>------------------<BR>LSR

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

HollyAnn .. I sincerely appreciate your response. I am truly at my wits end, and my nerves are shot. I find myself shaking as I write this. Just now, my H came home from work, drove right past our house, and up his mother's driveway. Twenty minutes later he came back, said hello and left again to go prepare their dinner. <P>This afternoon, I called over to his mother's house, thinking my H was there. She hung up on me. I related this to my H who replied, "What did YOU say to her?" <P>I sit in our house, day after day, alone. There is no one I can confide with, as I've been here such a short time and been so entangled with his parents care that I've had no time to develop friendships. <P>Were the situation reversed, I would have confronted my mother and told her that if you are hurtful to my husband, you are hurtful to me -- and that I cannot expect him to sit at home by himself day after day, banned from mother's home, and ignore him. But that does not happen. He does not want to upset her, while I am so upset I can barely think straight anymore.<P>I did read the posts you mentioned, prior to my posting. While they are insightful, they just were not targeted enough to apply to my situation. <P>The hardest part for me is that, despite all the kindnesses I've shown his mother, they were all forgotten -- she is happy as a clam having her son by her side daily, while knowing I'm here alone. I struggle with such resentment and feelings which make me ashamed. <P>------------------<BR>LSR

Where is that mother in law questionaire? I am desperately looking for something to help in my situation too (which is very similiar to yours in a lot of ways, LSR). Thanks. I will tell my story here as soon as I have a few minutes to do so.

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Again .. thanks for responding. Funny, last night (before you even posted), it got to a crisis point, and I told my H I was going to fly back East to be with my family. Told him I didn't want to come between him and his mother, and that this was a contest I didn't want to participate in as there could be no winners. And, my friend, I was as serious as a heart attack. I already had the flight held. This discussion was not angry ... it was factual, and I think it made him take a long, hard look at the direction in which things were going to go.<P>He did tell me that I was his wife -- his priority. Promised me that, as soon as the bedrail was delivered for his mother, he would come home and begin living here -- making periodic daily visits to check up on his folks. The bedrail did not come in today; however, he BUILT one this afternoon and set it up. Asked only that he stay there one more evening to be certain his mother could get in and out of bed by herself with the use of the rail. <P>I am encouraged -- hopeful -- elated by his verbalizing what I so needed to hear. However, I will wait and be certain that this comes to fruition. <P>We are both Christian people. Thus, his Honoring of his parents is biblical. But if it serves to the detriment of the marriage, it goes beyond Honor. I will keep you posted, and cannot possibly thank you enough for giving me an outlet. <P>p.s. We saw the counselor together today, and it was a good session. My prayers are lifted up daily; I know they are heard. I'm just impatient ... <P>------------------<BR>LSR

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]