My husband and I have been having a very bad time of it lately. Saturday night I asked him why he wasn't willing to talk. He said he made a conscience decision not to talk anymore, but, We ended up talking about the last couple of years and it seems he is hung up on something that happened 3 years ago?! He had been back to work for a few months after being off for 4 months due to panic dx. Once back to work he started drinking heavily again. I suspected he was drinking tequila and mentioned this to my sister (in confidence). She told my husband who came home and confronted me. He said "did you tell your sister.....?' I was shocked, scared and caught off guard and just blurted out "No!". Now he says the fact that I bold faced lied to him has been eating at him for 3 years! I have never lied to him before or after that - and he wants to know how he can ever trust me again?

Delchick: Sorry you haven't had any replies. I know how desparate one can be for help. I've been there. There are a lot of caring and experienced people on this site. <P>First a few questions: How long have you been married? Is he still working? Is he still drinking? What has been happening the last 3 years.<P>The first thing you need to do is read all the "Concepts" found on this site.(see on top of this page).<P>I wonder what has happened recently that he decided not to talk anymore and I wonder what his reasoning is. <P>The next thing you need to do is with calmness and sincerity tell him you are not perfect. Explain yourself - ie: "Three years ago you were afraid of what was happening to him and didn't know where to turn. It was wrong of you to involve anyone else (even if was your sister) and you were scared when he found out that he would be angry and leave you." Delchick, you know what was going on in your head so be honest with him. Tell him how you felt. Then ask (not beg) his forgiveness. Leave it at that. Don't go into long lenghy justifications. Keep your dignity. He will probably be non-committal on accepting your apology. (Be sure to say I'M SORRY, WILL YOU FORGIVE ME).<P>It will be hard for him to trust you after that but remember, you were worried about him. (not an excuse to lie) I imagine that you know now that there is never a good reason to lie. Just check out the other topics here.<P>The one thing you don't want to do is to be clingy and desperate in your actions. This will only push him away. Show him your love and your trustworthiness in your actions. (see especially the Love Busters, Policy of Joint Agreement and Giver and Taker in concepts).<P>The more knowledge you gain about how this happened and what to do next, the better prepared you are for anything. Don't let him keep you in the defensive. You are not the only one wrong here. Remember that. <P>Good Luck.

Thank you for the reply. We have been married 19 years. Oh yes, he's a workaholic, "if you don't have work then you don't have anything". Oh yes, he's still drinking. We have had a pretty rough and unhappy 3 years. There have been lots of good times but not hte majority of the time. I have read "concepts, love busters" etc. The only problem that I've always seen with all of that, even when we were in counseling, is that those "rules" are good for someone who is sober, not controlling - normal. Once you add abusive behaviors and panic or such, I think that it changes all the rules. He would never stop drinking because it makes me uncomfortable, he says it's him, get used to it.

delchick:<BR>My H also drinks everyday. This started about 10 years ago.....we've been married for 19 years also. He was controlling of everything before he starting drinking so you can just imagine what he is today. This affair with the bottle is something I cannot change. He is productive, goes to work, and comes home drinking a few beers on the way, then he'll pour himself straight rum in a brandy snifter which is generally about 3-4 1/4 oz. He thinks this is having ONE drink!<BR>He'll drink one, maybe two of these. This is every single night. And the weekends he'll start around 1-2 p.m. in the afternoon and usually by dinner, he's slurring his words and making little sense to anyone. He says also he won't change for me or this marriage, and I haven't even touched on the alchol problems with him. <BR>I'm beginnig to think that there's no breaking through the wall he's created around himself, he's going to first try breaking out from his side. I can't compete with this addiction, it's really got a hold on him and he doesn't want to recognize it at all. He'd rather blame me for all the problems of the world and just pour another drink.<BR>We don't even sleep in the same room anymore mainly because he kicked me out after a arguement. He says he'd rather sleep alone. He turns to the internet and porn for his satisfaction and doesn't concern himself with anything emotional. <BR>I guess I'm not giving you much advice here, I guess I just need to vent on how damaging drinking alchol on a everyday basis is on a marriage. The marriage here is now totally brokened down. We only talk about the kids. I walk away and work when he drinks. His drinking didn't cause all our problems, but it is the reason why there's no desire on his part to resolve and or work out the problems we have.<BR>I wish you luck and hope for you things don't get so out of control. (and by the way, I tell my sisters everything, all four of them!) That is just a genetic thing!

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 08, 1999).]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 08, 1999).]

Dear Mads & Delchick:<P>Bless your hearts. I cannot conceive the pain you live in day to day. I thought my life was miserable...<P>I have a friend whose spouse was an alcoholic. This friend is a big proponant for Al-Anon. He says it has helped him tremendously and he has loaned me some of the books to read. If you don't know about them it is a support group for spouses and/or families of addictive people. It helps the innocent spouse deal with the problems very much like this website does. Talking to people who have gone through the painful experiences that are sometimes unique to the addictive problem.<P>By the way, my friend's w joined AA and they are the ones who led me to my christian counselor. They are doing much better though they do have setbacks.<P>Also, there is a book I read called Love is a Choice, recovery for the co-dependent (the subtitle may be slightly different but I'm sure of the main title). There were some helpful parts of this book. We all need to read everything we can get our hands on, learn what we can about OUR situation and bypass the stuff that doesn't concern us.<P>Mads, I believe there is even a support group for the children of addictive people. <P>You both need to protect yourselves (and children) FIRST. HollyAnn's book, Love Must be Tough is very helpful and insightful. It works. You ladies DESERVE with a capital D a stress-free life, one filled with love and contentment. You don't deserve to be treated with disrespect. Please read the book.<P>Tina<P>P.S. What is this, a mid-life crisis thing? I used to think that once we were married for as long as we had (29 years) that we 'had it made' we could get through anything. Oh well, I think that's called the sin of pride.<P>PPS. I travel in my business and I met a beautiful couple in their 70's (retiring from their business - my job is to help) and the lady asked her husband to get her a drink of water. He brought it to her and apologized that he had to use the glass he was drinking out of and she said that was ok, it just made the water sweeter knowing his lips had touched the cup she drank from. It was sweet and a painful reminder that was missing in my marriage but also a goal to reach.<BR>

Hollyann:<BR>Thanks for the suggestion on the book...actually I already have it. I ordered it this week and got it two days ago. It was so highly recommended on this website. I leave on Monday for three days with all my sisters. We're all meeting in a little coastal town of Maine and will just kick back for three days of sun and fun. Hopefully I can get some reading done! Thanks to you all for kind words of comfort.

Thank you all so much for your help and encouragement. I am going to read Love Must Be Tough and I've ordered,a couple of Dr Harvey's books. I contemplated printing these letters and showing them to H but he would think YOU were all whacko, and then we would just get into an argument because of my frustration trying to explain otherwise.