How do I know when it's been long enough? How do I know when things are past being worth saving?<P>H & I are in counseling. We have had some serious troubles over the past 1-2 years: insecurity & jealousy on his part, resentment of control on mine. <P>When it started, I felt really supportive, I felt like we could tackle it, like if I just met his needs and helped him through the rough times, we'd be fine and he'd recover and all would be well. What ended up happening is that I gave and gave until I had no more left ... and the time that I hit rock bottom coincided with the time when his need was greatest. He demanded I do what he needed, and I complied as best I could, although I told him that what he was asking was hurting me in ways that it would be nearly impossible to recover from. He continued anyway. Of course, he didn't know any better ways to handle his feelings, he did the best he could, I *do* actually forgive him and understand at least some of where he was coming from ... but I still hurt. I sting inside. I am lonely and aching.<P>I feel like I have become what he made me to be: that he pushed me away with his demands, and refusal to meet my needs in any way, and so I have found ways to meet those needs elsewhere, through my friends, my family, hobbies, whatever. Of course, my biggest need, for emotional intimacy, goes unmet. And so I hurt. And I feel like he missed his chance to save what our marriage. I realize that I allowed this to happen, that I did not stand up soon enough, but I too did the best I could. I told him, with my words and my tears, at least, that this was hurting me beyond repair. He could not see any way to meet his needs that did not involve hurting me, so he hurt me. He is sorry, but it doesn't take away what happened.<P>When I mentioned a trial separation recently, he suddenly seemed to recover - perhaps it is manipulation, perhaps it was just the wake-up call he needed. But I see him trying so hard to be nice, to be polite, to be helpful … and it makes me recoil. He seems so artificial to me (he has for a long time). He has a hard time saying how he feels, a hard time even knowing how he feels … and I am so hurt and withdrawn right now that he can't meet my needs in any way. I can't let him, it hurts too much. I asked my counselor to help me understand how I felt and he phrased it really well: you love him very much, but it hurts to much to love him right now.<BR>I used to feel that if H just learned some new ways of behaving, if he could just learn how to ask for his needs to be met without hurting me, if he could learn to take others into consideration … if he could do all that, it would be fine, the hurt would ease and I could love him again. Now, I feel like no matter what he does, it won't help. I can't imagine us being intimate in any sense - emotional or (especially) physical - and I need this so badly.<BR>How do I know? How long do I wait? How many chances constitute "giving it your best shot"? We have a preschool child, I want so badly to do what is best for all of us. Help!<BR>
